I realised that she was a little timid and wasn’t very confident when it came to sex. Luckily, earlier in the day, I had brought a sex therapy book, you know, the ones which tell you to stand in front of each other stark naked without touching for three months.
Well, I quickly skipped that chapter and went to the one which tells you to start exploring and ask questions on each others body. I was a bit hesitant, I already knew parts of her body and wasn’t sure that I wanted to make any other discoveries. Still, I had paid good money for the book so we gave it a go.
I inquired about her foot, the bent toe and the mould. She burst into tears and told me that she could not hide her secret from me anymore. I was a little worried thinking that she had other things more secret than her feet.
She got up, poured me a large drink and told me to sit down. I was really worried now..
I am not like other girls she said, I have a secret, I am not who you think I am.. She went on to reveal that she was the illegitimate daughter of Mother Nature… I assumed she meant a sixties flower child but then I soon realised that she was serious and meant the real Mother Nature.
I tried to explain to her that Mother Nature doesn’t really exist but she got angry and started insisting that her mum did exist and that she would prove it to me.
So not only did my girlfriend have smelly feet and no teeth but she also had a few screws loose, probably due to all that sixties pollen. I put my arm around her shoulder and tried to calm her down, but she pushed me away, stood up and jumped into a large flowerpot in the corner of the room.
Oh my god I thought, good job my names not Bill otherwise all we needed now was for Ben to come in and start talking more gibberish.
To be continued ?