Babies: the war against storks and cabbage
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Every day, a great number of people have sex. Those who pair off in such a combination as will allow for procreation sometimes do just that1, and lo, a baby is formed. If nothing prevents the baby from being where babies normally are in the 9 month gestation period2, this woman will grow considerably larger 3. She will begin eating several combinations of foods that aren't generally though of as going together, and eventually will start leaking, meaning she must immediately be carted to the chosen place of birth for the child 4.
After the leaking comes hour after hour of horrific pain, which can easily be dulled by drugs5. In these hours, equally horrific things happen to the genitals of the woman that aren't neccessary to the birthing process if you have a caesarian section6. What happens is, the whole shebang stretches out, making way for the passing infant, also possibly tearing things up, which is just an awful thought. All this, combined with what comes next, is why no birth should ever be set to videotape or anything of the sort. See, what comes out is less a child, so much as a thing. A blood and goo covered, toothless thing with complete lack of muscle control, and a tube connected to it7. This thing is then wiped off and made to breathe, under threat of being slapped around and having blue rubber sucky things shoved into their breathing passages.
By the time they are brought home, babies have turned into cuter creatures9 that make everyone talk funny. In this state, they have retained a few of their traits from the hospital, including toothlessness and complete lack of muscle control. They require constant care, and may cause many hours of sleep loss10. Babies are fed in many ways, but mostly by putting some horrid form of milk substitute into a small plastic bottle, putting this bottle on the stove, and watching it melt before realizing you were supposed to put it in a pot with some water. Parents are then to scald their wrist by squirting this fetid mixture onto said part, supposedly as further punishment for putting the kibosh on that other bottle and making the kitchen smell of burnt plastic. Babies are also fed by latching onto the nipple of their mother, from which they suck milk11.
Being so tiny and helpless, it would be very easy to just let the baby sit around all day, poking it with a stick once in awhile, to see if it was ok. Somewhere along the line, someone got sick of using perfectly good sticks to poke a baby12, when those very sticks could be burned to create warmth, and loud, noise-making toys were invented to free up the stick for burning. These toys, once such a savior of cold people, have just become a hassle in these modern days when heating technology is quite advanced, and homes can be heated well without sticks. It seems that they, while useless, and sometimes vastly more expensive than a stick, have become customary, and so must be bought, putting the number of years the parents will have to work until retirement at least 10 years farther back13. These toys only seem to get more expensive as the child gets older.
Occasionally, there will have been a child born before this new one, causing the older child, once it notices that there is a baby around, to ask the dreaded question "Where do babies come from?". At this point, the child's parents make up stories14 about storks15 or that they found the baby in a cabbage patch16, this is most likely because they can't bring themselves to admit that such a thing could come from them.
Eventually, they child will grow17, and it will sprout hairs and various other things (like breasts) that didn't used to be there18. They aren't babies at any of these points, they are non-babies19, and therefore, don't need to be written about in an entry about babies20.
1 often by accident.2the womb, duh. 3 larger here is meant to indicate width, any 50 foot tall women you see running around did not get to that height by being impregnated.4 Assuming that it indeed is a child.5 These drugs are preferably administered by someone with a medical degree.6This is when the baby is being terribly stubborn, and refuses to come out, so they cut the woman open and reach in to get it7This tube, which connects the baby to it's mother, was probably originally meant to keep the child from running away back in the prehistoric times, when babies had to be able to run away from the many dinosaurs that were around8. Since these dinosaurs have gone extinct, there is no longer a need for these tubes, and so, they are growing smaller through evolution, soon to become no more useful than appendices, which underwent a similar process (the appendix is believed to have once crushed hard things we ate, like bones and nutshells, and twigs).8Though scientists say that no human ever lived at the same time as a dinosaur, this has never been proven absolutely, and so I will take liberties with it. 9Unless it is an ugly baby.10Unless, that is, you just decide to ignore them.11Babies are fetishists by nature, some grow out of it, some spend an unhealthy amount of time on the internet, looking at pictures of their particular fetish in action.12Probably someone who had been very cold.13That is, if they decide to send it to college eventually.14Stories which have caused great battles to be fought against storks and cabbage, though they could have been avoided if people would just not have children. "How would we create more generations then?" you ask. Well, there are many ways, we can grow them in test tubes now, or we could just do it the old way and grow them on farms.15Storks, so far as anyone can tell, are the drunkest of all birds, and so it is was an easy choice for the parents, being as the bird would have to be drunk to do something crazy like carry a being with no bowel control in it's beak.16This is an obvious attempt to use the excuse that they were just going along, picking cabbage, and some crazy baby followed them home, though they didn't feed it or touch it, thinking it was rabid.17Unless it doesn't.18Unless they don't.19Unless they're not.20The word "breasts" has been used once in this entry, discluding this time here in this footnote, unless you'd like to include it, which would make it twice. The word "day" had been used a total of 3 times, if you count it's variant "days", and discount the 2 shown here. The word "shebang" is said once, but is fun to say, and so probably should've been used more, as is the case with "kibosh".
