California
Created | Updated Jun 21, 2004
California: A Product Review
[Author’s note: This review does not contain any previous bias or impartiality. It is the simple truth about that big bucket of fun-in-the-sun that is the West Coast. Written from the point of view of a moderate user of the state, a Texan. No, we are not all hicks.]
California. A place full of evil hotels and cities with people who apparently wear flowers in their hair. But is this place a one trick pony, a location with fantastic and rich cultural history, or hell? Well, I intend to take a closer look at this untamed demon of geography and give you the goods …if there are any.
Before I arrived, I was warned that it would not be anything like what I have experienced before. That is understandable though, because I am not that well traveled. However, in all fairness, value this analysis of the society of California – after my hard research, I have figured out that this is the general consensus held by outsiders.
I flew into Ontario, a city melted into LA. In fact, I have found that California is just one big community that is melting because of the hot sun (Texan is certainly not lacking in this) and the breezes from the Pacific. Earthquakes serve to only stir it up a little. Independence is just a meaningless buzzword in Californian. This may be rather stereotypical of me, but I seriously believe it is true.
The first thing that I noticed in LA was that ever so insignificant thing called a state imposed speed limit. In Texas, it is routine to drive the safe ten miles per hour over. This, I supposed, was common practice. However, in LA I learn differently. Apparently, Californians routinely hit 90 in 40’s. It appears that all Californians hold the misconception that they are on a racetrack. Another theory is that they believe living in the movie state gives them the authority to zoom a little. This seems very likely actually. And yet another: California is a government testing ground of a change in driving laws – that is to say a canceling of all driving laws.
After spending a little time there, I have concluded that the real reason is that Californians are more susceptible to marijuana fumes wafting up out of Mexico. At any rate, you must be careful when driving in California. These are a list of tips I have compiled about commuting in LA:
- do not be surprised by the reckless driving, just keep your cool and your eyes on the road
- Californians practice ’offensive’ driving rather than the more customary and time-honored ‘defensive’ driving. As a result, you have to keep up with the pace of traffic – it really requires a mindset change.
- Be aggressive and be rude, otherwise nobody will let you in.
- Very important. Be a jackass on the road. Not only will it ease driving, but you will also blend into the Californian crowd.
[Don’t be offended; I was just poking a little fun with that last one.]
Kind of as an ode to their recklessness, there are small telephone-like things lining the highways every few hundred yards. These Call Boxes are to call in emergencies on the road, presumably to get medical help for the wounded. Although they had good intentions, I don’t believe that anyone could survive a crash on a California highway. And if they did, they would die waiting for the ambulances to get through traffic.
Maybe I’m going too far saying this, but what the hell: California is the kind of place where fellow drivers would just dodge the flying car in front of them and keep on trucking without giving aid. In fact, seeing by the way they drive, I’ll half bet that they’re used to it.
Ok…ok…it’s probably just me. Maybe I’m just furiously jealous of the fact that Californians always seem to have a place to go, and fast. In Texas, having a life means watching a few hours of television a day, and going out to eat a couple times. And I’ll admit, there is sort of a California/Texas rivalry – it’s California’s doing of course. I think that they’re rather envious of our size and our laid back attitude. They used to be bigger, but they just can’t get over the change. Plus, they can’t afford to be laid back because they have so much damn stuff to do. Despite all this, the real reason they are a little rough on us Texans is that they don’t live up to the archetypical “Wild West” and we do. Anyways, Texas still just smiles and tips her hat to California.
California has some knock-your-socks-off drop-dead beautiful beaches though. That really impressed me because Texas doesn’t have much for beaches. I’m no big fan of beaches, I always considered watching vile tasting water interspersed with dead sea life staggering out onto the sand only to run back down again to be a little humdrum. There are only so many times that pretending the water is going to actually keep on coming can be entertaining. In truth, I think that the Californian beaches made me come to respect what beaches really are – beautiful and majestic encounters of land and water. Sure, there will be a little dead sea life and the occasional mound of seagull shit, but I can deal with that.
In fact, I shouldn’t be complaining. California is very clean compared to Texas. No, I don’t mean people, I mean landscape. [Just a little fun with that one… no harm intended.] In Texas, there is not a place you look and don’t see litter. Perhaps I just missed it by not paying attention, or can’t remember correctly, but I really didn’t notice a sufficient amount of litter to matter. As a result, it made the place look pretty darn good – thanks Californians! Thanks for being stark liberal environmentalists. [Ok, so that was a little stereotypical…but somewhat true?]
One thing that California does have, but Texas doesn’t is graffiti. California has got a lot of graffiti, in my opinion, particularly in San Francisco. Litter is to Texas what graffiti is to California. I might be being a little naïve here, but it really didn’t bother me at all. If your not used to seeing it so often, it actually comes off as somewhat artistic. The eye-candy of the streets. It is a form of urban art, but only in moderate doses.
What struck me the most about the atmosphere of California was my observation that everyone seemed to have at least a decent car. Everywhere I looked there was a BMW, Mercedes, Minicooper, Scion, Jaguar, Porsche etc. And if not that, it was a Lexus, Lincoln, Nissan, or else, a nice Pontiac. I noticed this and I noticed the lack of pickups. That, to me, was astounding, although perfectly logical. There’s just not a reason to have a pickup if it takes five hours to get into the country and you don’t have anywhere to go when you get there due to the ridiculous cost of owning land anyways. The other thing that I liked was the lack of minivans, which I feel are merely eye-sores. It is also worth mentioning the lack of big cars, like Suburbans. In general, Californians know how to get around. Maybe this factors into the speeding issue…
While on the subject of automobiles, I’ll point out a funny little thing I saw in California. Their school buses have a rounded end, making them look remarkably like a stretched yellow beetle. It looks sort of retro, like everything is a Greyhound bus. In Texas, all the busses are nicely squared off. I don’t know, it might be just Texas that is different.
You knew that it was coming, so here it is… Prices in California are insane, seriously. I’m not sure why though. Maybe having so much stuff to do makes that hamburger worth the ten extra dollars. Honestly though, I ate steaks in California for a price that was roughly equal to a decent sized ransom for a small kidnapped child. You routinely have to pay three dollars for a slice of cheese and gas prices aren’t even funny. The sad thing is that many Californians don’t realize that if they sell their house and move to another state, they would be rich.
And perhaps the most astounding thing about California is their obsessive addiction to decorative water fountains. I saw more fountains in California than I have ever seen or perhaps will ever see. These people have a fountain at every nice hotel, every public structure, every shopping hot spot, restaurants, even at gas stations. This is not to mention the others sprinkled around randomly just for good measure. After a while, fountains are as common as cars and no one really cares about them anymore. I can imagine the dedication of a fountain to someone or something… what an honor, let me tell you.
All in all, California is a nice place to visit but definitely not to live. There’s a little of something for everyone, beaches for the beach-goers, mountains for the mountainous, San Fransico for the gays (used to be anyways), fountains for the penny-throwers, highways for the reckless, and graffiti for the vandalistic. It was pretty much what I had expected for a state ruled by Arnold Schwarzenegger. (If you don’t know already, you get a lot of jack from the other 49 about that one.)
And now the original question: is this place a one trick pony, a location with fantastic and rich cultural history, or hell? I’d have to say a little of all three.
[Author’s note: This review does not contain any previous bias or impartiality. It is the simple truth about that big bucket of fun-in-the-sun that is the West Coast. Written from the point of view of a moderate user of the state, a Texan. No, we are not all hicks.]
California. A place full of evil hotels and cities with people who apparently wear flowers in their hair. But is this place a one trick pony, a location with fantastic and rich cultural history, or hell? Well, I intend to take a closer look at this untamed demon of geography and give you the goods …if there are any.
Before I arrived, I was warned that it would not be anything like what I have experienced before. That is understandable though, because I am not that well traveled. However, in all fairness, value this analysis of the society of California – after my hard research, I have figured out that this is the general consensus held by outsiders.
I flew into Ontario, a city melted into LA. In fact, I have found that California is just one big community that is melting because of the hot sun (Texan is certainly not lacking in this) and the breezes from the Pacific. Earthquakes serve to only stir it up a little. Independence is just a meaningless buzzword in Californian. This may be rather stereotypical of me, but I seriously believe it is true.
The first thing that I noticed in LA was that ever so insignificant thing called a state imposed speed limit. In Texas, it is routine to drive the safe ten miles per hour over. This, I supposed, was common practice. However, in LA I learn differently. Apparently, Californians routinely hit 90 in 40’s. It appears that all Californians hold the misconception that they are on a racetrack. Another theory is that they believe living in the movie state gives them the authority to zoom a little. This seems very likely actually. And yet another: California is a government testing ground of a change in driving laws – that is to say a canceling of all driving laws.
After spending a little time there, I have concluded that the real reason is that Californians are more susceptible to marijuana fumes wafting up out of Mexico. At any rate, you must be careful when driving in California. These are a list of tips I have compiled about commuting in LA:
- do not be surprised by the reckless driving, just keep your cool and your eyes on the road
- Californians practice ’offensive’ driving rather than the more customary and time-honored ‘defensive’ driving. As a result, you have to keep up with the pace of traffic – it really requires a mindset change.
- Be aggressive and be rude, otherwise nobody will let you in.
- Very important. Be a jackass on the road. Not only will it ease driving, but you will also blend into the Californian crowd.
[Don’t be offended; I was just poking a little fun with that last one.]
Kind of as an ode to their recklessness, there are small telephone-like things lining the highways every few hundred yards. These Call Boxes are to call in emergencies on the road, presumably to get medical help for the wounded. Although they had good intentions, I don’t believe that anyone could survive a crash on a California highway. And if they did, they would die waiting for the ambulances to get through traffic.
Maybe I’m going too far saying this, but what the hell: California is the kind of place where fellow drivers would just dodge the flying car in front of them and keep on trucking without giving aid. In fact, seeing by the way they drive, I’ll half bet that they’re used to it.
Ok…ok…it’s probably just me. Maybe I’m just furiously jealous of the fact that Californians always seem to have a place to go, and fast. In Texas, having a life means watching a few hours of television a day, and going out to eat a couple times. And I’ll admit, there is sort of a California/Texas rivalry – it’s California’s doing of course. I think that they’re rather envious of our size and our laid back attitude. They used to be bigger, but they just can’t get over the change. Plus, they can’t afford to be laid back because they have so much damn stuff to do. Despite all this, the real reason they are a little rough on us Texans is that they don’t live up to the archetypical “Wild West” and we do. Anyways, Texas still just smiles and tips her hat to California.
California has some knock-your-socks-off drop-dead beautiful beaches though. That really impressed me because Texas doesn’t have much for beaches. I’m no big fan of beaches, I always considered watching vile tasting water interspersed with dead sea life staggering out onto the sand only to run back down again to be a little humdrum. There are only so many times that pretending the water is going to actually keep on coming can be entertaining. In truth, I think that the Californian beaches made me come to respect what beaches really are – beautiful and majestic encounters of land and water. Sure, there will be a little dead sea life and the occasional mound of seagull shit, but I can deal with that.
In fact, I shouldn’t be complaining. California is very clean compared to Texas. No, I don’t mean people, I mean landscape. [Just a little fun with that one… no harm intended.] In Texas, there is not a place you look and don’t see litter. Perhaps I just missed it by not paying attention, or can’t remember correctly, but I really didn’t notice a sufficient amount of litter to matter. As a result, it made the place look pretty darn good – thanks Californians! Thanks for being stark liberal environmentalists. [Ok, so that was a little stereotypical…but somewhat true?]
One thing that California does have, but Texas doesn’t is graffiti. California has got a lot of graffiti, in my opinion, particularly in San Francisco. Litter is to Texas what graffiti is to California. I might be being a little naïve here, but it really didn’t bother me at all. If your not used to seeing it so often, it actually comes off as somewhat artistic. The eye-candy of the streets. It is a form of urban art, but only in moderate doses.
What struck me the most about the atmosphere of California was my observation that everyone seemed to have at least a decent car. Everywhere I looked there was a BMW, Mercedes, Minicooper, Scion, Jaguar, Porsche etc. And if not that, it was a Lexus, Lincoln, Nissan, or else, a nice Pontiac. I noticed this and I noticed the lack of pickups. That, to me, was astounding, although perfectly logical. There’s just not a reason to have a pickup if it takes five hours to get into the country and you don’t have anywhere to go when you get there due to the ridiculous cost of owning land anyways. The other thing that I liked was the lack of minivans, which I feel are merely eye-sores. It is also worth mentioning the lack of big cars, like Suburbans. In general, Californians know how to get around. Maybe this factors into the speeding issue…
While on the subject of automobiles, I’ll point out a funny little thing I saw in California. Their school buses have a rounded end, making them look remarkably like a stretched yellow beetle. It looks sort of retro, like everything is a Greyhound bus. In Texas, all the busses are nicely squared off. I don’t know, it might be just Texas that is different.
You knew that it was coming, so here it is… Prices in California are insane, seriously. I’m not sure why though. Maybe having so much stuff to do makes that hamburger worth the ten extra dollars. Honestly though, I ate steaks in California for a price that was roughly equal to a decent sized ransom for a small kidnapped child. You routinely have to pay three dollars for a slice of cheese and gas prices aren’t even funny. The sad thing is that many Californians don’t realize that if they sell their house and move to another state, they would be rich.
And perhaps the most astounding thing about California is their obsessive addiction to decorative water fountains. I saw more fountains in California than I have ever seen or perhaps will ever see. These people have a fountain at every nice hotel, every public structure, every shopping hot spot, restaurants, even at gas stations. This is not to mention the others sprinkled around randomly just for good measure. After a while, fountains are as common as cars and no one really cares about them anymore. I can imagine the dedication of a fountain to someone or something… what an honor, let me tell you.
All in all, California is a nice place to visit but definitely not to live. There’s a little of something for everyone, beaches for the beach-goers, mountains for the mountainous, San Fransico for the gays (used to be anyways), fountains for the penny-throwers, highways for the reckless, and graffiti for the vandalistic. It was pretty much what I had expected for a state ruled by Arnold Schwarzenegger. (If you don’t know already, you get a lot of jack from the other 49 about that one.)
And now the original question: is this place a one trick pony, a location with fantastic and rich cultural history, or hell? I’d have to say a little of all three.
