Meet Mr Inquisitor [Redux]

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Meet Mr Inquisitor [Redux]

In the second of my pre-recorded Sunday afternoon Interviews (chances are as you are reading this, I'll be revising, in an exam, or in the Algarve watching football having bottled out completely). I have, for your entertainment, the lovely, but mental, Dr Anthea. Someone who claims to be a Jedi and an assassin. Which is nice. Anyway, as I said last week, I can't put any of my usual topical humour in, but I can torment you with this;

What's brown and sticky?

A Stick.

Well, you've suffered enough, so here's the Interview1!

Firstly, thanks for volunteering for this ordeal Anthea, I'll try and keep this as painless as possible. So, the first question in all its safe glory is this. You're a Post Poet and I must confess to being a fan of your work. Where do you get your inspiration?

My inspiration? Well at the start it came from the fact that I was generally upset and lonely. But then I went and got myself a man so I couldn't be a depressed, lonely poet anymore. So then I had to look to other things... Exams, H2G2 things... and, of course, a lot of mushy poems that will show up in the future when I have nothing else to submit. Gives you something to look forward to then.

Right, our second question is a new feature... *drumroll* Guest Question of the week! This week HPB from somewhere asks: 'Do you have a Phd?' So, Dr Anth, do you? Or do you lie about your doctorhood?

Well... I am astounded that Mr HPB thinks I could be lying about being a Doctor. Quite frankly I think he has taken my professionalism into disrepute, I am quite insulted... I mean I got My PHD from the well known and well respected university of Mice at which I am also a professor of Assassinry as long as I never practice on campus... Really how HPB can think that I would make up something like being a Dr is absurd. Really I don't ask him if he lies about being a hologram... *goes on complaining for several hours* and another thing, I have a well respected and rarely visited theatre where I offer psychological advice... which is how the entire Dr thing came about...

Well, there you go. Anthea Doctor, HPB offensive. Righty-ho, moving swiftly onwards, and other such phrases to bulk out my flimsy interviewing technique. You recently had a few University interviews North o' the border, so what I want to know is do you think that it's right for Scottish MP's to have helped the government bring in extra expenses for us poor students in England when it won't affect you lot in Scotland?

Well... that all sounds rather political to me... but I suppose if our parliament had more power we wouldn't have to mess around in yours... its all very complicated, wordy and boring...

Well, politics generally is. You're quite active in the h2g2 RPGs aren't you? Of all the people you come into contact with, who are the most memorable characters?

The most memorable? Well there's all those people in the Jedi RPG, and of course my own creation the assassins guild. However were I to pick a memorable person I would have to say that its Khamsin who plays Jo'tra in the Jedi academy; he really does get into the strangest muddles imaginable. But there are so many great characters who have obviously had a lot of imagination put into them. I mean Master Puppet is possibly one of the funnier characters and there are so many more. It's great! I really like RPGs however none of my characters are as insane or as weird as the real me...

I refuse to believe that you are less weird than the insane Anoon Br'kil, estranged bride of Ma'rol Mannan, winner of Tinpot Dictator of the Month award 5 months running. I may as well throw the patented Fight Question™ at you now, so here it comes. Gandalf the Grey in a head to head fight with Obi Wan Kenobi. Who emerges victorious?

Oh that's an easy one! Obi Wan would win easily. So what if Gandalf can use a few spells, that staff against a lightsaber... No contest, although I don't think Obi Wan would kill him, being one of those lightside Jedi who go about protecting life, but he might cripple the old dude.

That's, erm, quite a disturbing thought. Now I'm about to introduce a new feature, due in no small part to HPB's whinge after the interview with Luthenia2! You have 100 words to sum up why MMI is better than SSS, and why I, in my wisdom, am better than HPB!

Well MMI is much funnier to read. It's something you can really look forward to and it has the ability to make people come back and read more. It's great. I hate to miss reading it, Whereas SSS is... well it's a review page basically. I don't read it very often, but I do sometimes... when I have nothing else to do, or h2g2 is being very slow... I don't think this is one hundred words, but feel free to point me to bits I have missed out.

Eighty-nine words there Anth. But you did miss out I'm much more charming and debonair, oh, and apparently HPB is secretly an eighty-five year old Traffic Warden from Darlington, whereas I'm a hip young student from Salford. Here's an interesting theory. Given that Hitler, Stalin, Sadaam Hussein and that caped guy from the silent movies all had moustaches, is facial hair inherently evil?

Well I think it is, but then again I am sure there are a few people who will argue to the contrary. Maybe all facial hair should be banned... Its just a thought, but maybe if they didn't have the hair to hide against then they wouldn't be so evil... Or this could just prove my complete lack of anything resembling sanity... The choice is yours...

*twiddles moustache* Hmm? What? No, it does make you quite evil. And to prove it I shall provide you with a fiendish choice for your penultimate question. It's midnight, I've strategically placed roadblocks around your town to prevent the fire service arriving, and torched your house. You can save one thing. What Do You Save3?

What do I save... My PC oh my PC how I love thee...
Hey I could write an ode to my PC, what do you think... a little OTT?
Well as I see it I save the PC then I 'borrow' someone else's phone line and come to live on H2G2 perfect, it would be like a dream come true, Imagine the possibilities... *goes off into a day dream like trance*

Riiiight. Oh-kay. I'm obliged to ask the standard ending question now. So here it is. Does HPB smell of kippers or cheese? Oops, not that. What I meant to say was; What's the most important thing you've learned through being a member of h2g2?

Well I learned that forty-two is good and a towel is the most important thing you can possess... but on a more serious note, I realised newbies scare me, that insanity makes things much more interesting, and that you can never judge someone on what they look like, but what they type can reveal everything about them... or that their a few threads short of a carpet... mainly that actually... yes. Insanity is an essential component to life the universe and everything, and that everyone needs at least three towels...


So there you have it, an Ace who's scared by Newbies and is totally fixated on her computer. And they said the Internet was safe! Hopefully next week you'll be treated to either Werekitty (who makes Anthea look saner than, erm, a sane thing) or JoeC. However, after that there may be a void unless you party people start emailing Shazz! Even if you want to nominate a different researcher4 for the Dentist's Chair™, get those mails sent!

Until next week, I've been Mr Inquisitor, sayonara!

Meet Mr Inquisitor Archive


with Dr Anthea

17.06.04 Front Page

Back Issue Page

1For earlier, non-h2g2 interviews, check It was never finished, but there are three interviews in my trademark style.2'First 'Meh' then '...' and now INSERT THING HERE (tm)!! Stop stealing my mannerisms!!!!! ARGH!!!!' and 'Even the never get any viewers joke!!!! Stoppit!' from his Van HPB conversation on the Luth Interview.3Bwahahahahahaha! I'm so eeeevil!4I'd like to interview Asmodai Dark, Master B or possibly one of the Italics actually.

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