Miscillaneous Word Jokes

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Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing

Oxymoronic Sayings

Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface.

On one hand, I'm indecisive; but on the other, I'm not.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

The world's full of apathy, but I don't care.

Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.

Prejudiced people are all alike.

What is the probability that something will happen according to the odds?

Exaggeration is not all it's cracked up to be.

Evil is not all bad.

I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.

Always be on the lookout for conspicuousness.

There's no such thing as nonexistance.

Co-operation can only be reached if we work together.

As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.

He doesn't have much of a reputation, or so I've heard.

I disagree with unanimity.

I have my doubts about disbelief.

Avoid Alliteration. Always.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

One should never generalize.

Avoid cliches like the plague.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

Profanity sucks.

I have a twin brother; he's identical, but I'm not.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Death to all fanatics!

An oral contract isn't worth the paper its written on. -- Sam Goldwyn

If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. -VP Dan Quayle

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

I always wanted to be a procrastinator!

Rehab is for quitters!

The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.

Don't be redundant by repeating yourself.

Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?

My identity lies in not knowing who I am.

I am becoming increasingly worried that there isn't enough anxiety in my life.

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

Free advice is worth what you paid for it.

Entropy just isn't what it used to be.

I keep telling myself that I am a pathological liar, but I am not sure if I believe it.

Not only am I redundant & superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't.

Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.

Axioms For The Internet Age

A computer in a bin
1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
Woman asleep at her computer
16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There's no place like home.com!

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

The 10 Commandments of Email

A row of computers
  • Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
  • Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
  • Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
  • Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
  • Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
  • Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
  • Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
  • Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
  • Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
  • When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
    • And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:
  • That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

On Marriage: One-Liners

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton
Bride and groom on a wedding cake
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want
to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

-Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

-Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing 'em.
-Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr

I think, therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

-Gilda Radner

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you
want anything done, ask a woman
. -Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinhem
An engagement ring
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

-Glori Steinhem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-Marie Corelli

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

-Baroness Edith Summerskill

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

About 30 pounds.

-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She
said, "In the lake."

-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for
success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul

-- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The
other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife

Fellows, it's often easier to just give in to your wife...

What's your word against thousands of hers?

The next time, words pass between you and your wife...

Make sure she's not about to throw a book at ya.

Next time you see someone "acting stupid"...

Consider the possibility it might be the real thing.

God is amazing. Ancient man had no idea we'd need glasses...

And yet, look where God put our ears for wearing them.

When you dine out and all the waiters are wearing gloves...

Ever wonder what's in the food that makes them afraid?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think
they are beautiful.

Useless Inventions

-- The water-proof towel

-- Glow in the dark sunglasses

-- Solar powered flashlights

-- Submarine screen doors

-- A book on how to read

-- Inflatable dart boards

-- A dictionary index

-- Mechanical Pencil sharpeners

--Dehydrated water

-- Pedal-powered wheel chairs

-- Waterproof tea bags

-- Watermelon seed sorter

-- Zero proof alcohol

-- Reusable ice cubes

-- See-through toilet tissue

-- Skinless bananas

-- Do-it-yourself road map

-- Turnip ice cream

-- Toe implants

-- An all white flag

-- Rolls Royce pickup truck

Word Play

1) "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said, dolefully.

2) "That's the last time I'll ever pet a lion," Tom said, offhandedly.

3) "I'll never sleep on the railroad tracks again!" Tom said, beside himself.

4) "That's the third electric shock I've gotten this week!" Tom said, revolted.

5) "I'm never anywhere on time," Tom related.

6) "I won't let a flat tire get me down," Tom said, without despair.

7) "That car you sold me has defective steering!" Tom said, straightforwardly.

8) "I've been on a diet," Tom expounded.

9) "I'll have to send that telegram again," Tom said, remorsefully.

10) "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said, bashfully.

11) "Look at that jailbird climb down that wall," Tom observed with condescension.

12) "I remember the midwest being flatter than this," Tom explained.

13) "That's the third time my teacher changed my grade," Tom remarked.

14) "I'll have to dig another ditch around that castle," Tom sighed, remotely.

15) "I've lived through a lot of windstorms," Tom regaled.

17) "I haven't caught a fish all day!" Tom said, without debate.

18) "That mink coat is on wrong side out," Tom inferred.

Correctly Spelling "Potato"

If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH can stand for O as in Dough

If PHTH can stand for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH can stand for A as in Neighbour

If TTE can stand for T as in Gazette

If EAU can stand for O as in Plateau

Then the right way to spell POTATO should be:


So Long And Thanks For Laughing

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