Idiot Box
Created | Updated May 19, 2004
Say Cheese
It's always discourteous to criticise the person paying the bills, but a deep and alarming psychosis appears to have seized the BBC - at least if the oddly-titled Strictly Come Dancing (BBC1) is genuinely the corporation's idea of what people actually want to watch on a Saturday night. Yes, it's the 21st century, people are more sophisticated and demanding in their viewing habits than ever before - so what does the Beeb come up with? Live pro-celebrity ballroom dancing.
Hosted by Bruce Forsyth, a showbiz veteran of such long standing that even his toupee appears to be going bald, this is shaping up to be a disaster of historic proportions. The idea is pretty straightforward - eight celebrities (this is 'celebrity' in the modern sense of the word - meaning, someone who is occasionally on TV) are paired up with eight serious dancers (oxymoron ahoy!) and they compete on live TV. A panel of judges are also competing to see who can do the feeblest Simon Cowell impression. At the end, you guessed it, there is a phone vote.
As you can probably guess it is completely and utterly horrible and only occasionally funny ('Amongst my fellow dancers I'm considered a bit of a man's man,' declared the partner of Natasha 'All Journalistic Credibility Lost Forever' Kaplinsky, seriously, over footage of him whiplashing camply about in a suspiciously tight vest). And I fear for the effect it may have on the hapless celebs - three minutes of cha-cha-cha-ing plainly very nearly killed satsuma-hued antiques pundit David 'Cheap as... ahhhh.... ahhhh... let me get me breath back' Dickinson.
If I didn't know better I would swear this was a deliberate attempt to parcel up everything that discerning viewers hate about modern programming: the eliminatory phone vote, the panel of nonentities with carefully scripted impromptu putdowns, the presumption that no achievement is of any interest whatsoever unless the person responsible is a celebrity. Plus, of course, it's a botched revival of an ancient warhorse - Saturday night on the BBC will be stuffed with relics like this come the new year. Naturally, I don't intend to miss an episode.
More cheesy wotsits later in the evening from the 49thEurovision Song Contest (BBC1), this year live from Turkey. I have written at length about Eurovision in the past and so this year will keep my comments brief (this is a lie).
Last year's contest is of course infamous as the occasion on which the UK scored no points whatsoever due to our (depending on who you believe) not taking it seriously enough/singing flat/invading Iraq. Clearly a root and branch rethink was needed and this year we boldly entered a Welsh performer who didn't win a TV talent contest they were on, James Fox from Fame Academy. Obviously no-one noticed that we entered a Welsh performer who didn't win a TV talent contest two years ago (Jessica Garlick off Pop Idol) to no great success, but never mind.
This wasn't a vintage Eurosong Contest. Partly I would put this down to the newly-introduced 'semi-final' which appeared to have winnowed out all the worst (ie best) entries and we were left with a load of men in white suits doing solemn ballads. (Over half the entries were male soloists - a definite break from the norm and one I can't explain.)
Just in case you're interested, and even if you're not, here are how the acts seemed to me, together with their Awix-O-Meter score (out of fifty), based on the catchiness of the tune, originality of the lyrics, staging, hairstyles, etc.
Spain: Ah, yes, things kicked off with the Iberian peninsula's only contribution: a fairly cheesy flamenco thrashalong fronted by someone clearly wishing he was Ricky Martin, accompanied by a man with drums strapped to his chest (this would become a bit of a motif for the evening). Awix-O-Meter Score: 27.
Austria: Oh my God, it's Busted. Or an equally trite and insipid boy-band, with tedious and smug staging, and rotten lyrics ('You are the wind beneath my wings', etc). Hairstyles v. poor too. Awix-O-Meter Score: 17.
Norway: Eventually living up to the fine Norwegian tradition of coming last, a bloke singing a dull ballad. So dull, in fact, I spent the entire song trying to work out what his suit was made out of, possibly a three-part denim-canvas-tarpaulin weave. Awix-O-Meter Score: 26.
France: Another bloke singing a dull ballad, but his score considerably boosted by the fact he shared the stage with a bald woman on stilts. Impressively portentous lyrics, too, if the subtitles are to be trusted. Awix-O-Meter Score: 30.
Serbia and Montenegro: First time entrants but they seem to have grasped the fundamentals of the contest, entering a bloke in a white suit singing an insipid ballad ('O My Faun'). Vague and possibly false memories of someone doing Peter Andre on Stars In Their Eyes troubled me. Awix-O-Meter Score: 28.
Malta: Finally, a female vocalist! Albeit in a duet. The general impression is of a novelty record recorded by Kelly Brook and Russell Watson (or possibly an Australian transvestite). Chirpy stuff, with impressively glossy hair all round. Awix-O-Meter Score: 32.
The Netherlands: Surely not another bloke singing an insipid ballad? No, it's two blokes singing an insipid ballad! They vaguely resemble Alistair McGowan and the posh one from Bread. There is a Polynesian bouncer in their backing group. Awix-O-Meter Score: 22.
Germany: A mono-browed youth with thinning hair do-do-doing his jazz thing. The sort of record Parky likes to plug. Ugh. Awix-O-Meter Score: 19.
Albania: 'Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be PJ Harvey.' Another first time entry. The song is utterly unmemorable but the singer wears a nice cocktail dress, even if her head appears slightly too big for her body. Awix-O-Meter Score: 30.
Ukraine: Now this is the stuff: a musical recreation of the Iceni rebellion, led by Catherine Zeta Jones (or a lookalike). Much cracking of whips and leaping about, with Alpenhorns and leather bodices. Definitely reminiscent of Lucy Lawless (or, if you're much older, Louise Jameson). The chorus goes 'Shi-di-ri-di-da-na.' Why can't all the entries be like this one? Awix-O-Meter Score: 41.
Croatia: Oh, God, another bloke singing an insipid ballad with nothing going on behind him. Awix-O-Meter Score: 19.
Bosnia: Coming to us live from Graham Norton's video collection, a Donna Summer-ish disco number from a fair young man in a pink t-shirt and some cheery dancers. Not really my sort of thing but its nice to see them trying something new. Awix-O-Meter Score: 30.
Belgium: Another disco stomper, brought to you by the colour red. The vocalist looks a bit like Tara Palmer-Tomkinson but it almost certainly isn't her. Nice dress though. Awix-O-Meter Score: 35.
Russia: A sweet-looking young girl doing a ballad - so, obviously, she's supported by a load of acrobats in body paint. As the act goes on she gets progressively covered in the paint herself as they rub up against her. One gets a definite sense she wishes they weren't there. Awix-O-Meter Score: 38.
Former Yugoslavian Republic Of Macedonia: Trust the Macedonians to bring it crashing back down to earth with a bloke in a suit singing a ballad. Admittedly the suit is very fancy and the whole act resembles an excerpt from Dune: The Light Opera. Rather overwrought stuff with the singer accompanied by grumpy mimes dressed as clergy. Awix-O-Meter Score: 31
Greece: A shameless attempt to make people vote for the staging rather than the song, as a Simon Cowell lookalike takes the stage accompanied by two rather attractive young women in white suits. You know in Eurovision that when female dancers start the act in suits that they won't be finishing it in them and so it proves here, as spangly gold bikinis go on display about halfway through. Oddly enough I can remember very little about the actual song. Awix-O-Meter Score: 31.
Iceland: Bloke in suit doing ballad. But he seems like a nice bloke, and gives it some welly - however this is all that distinguishes him. Awix-O-Meter Score: 24.
Ireland: Bloke in suit doing ballad. The song comes courtesy of one of Westlife so you can probably work out what this was like for yourselves. The singer looks a bit like Barry McGuigan which may explain my sudden urge to punch him. Awix-O-Meter Score: 23.
Poland: Bland deviancy from woman in rubber dress, accompanied by a guy in sequinned tights yodelling rather incoherently. God knows what the twelve songs that didn't qualify must have been like if these are the ones that beat them. Awix-O-Meter Score: 27.
The United Kingdom: Bloke in suit doing ballad, but with guitar. I never liked him much on Fame Academy either. Whoever organises our entry needs to start realising we need more dancers and gratuitous nudity in our staging if we want to win again. Organising a massive nuclear strike on the Balkans might not hurt either (joke). Awix-O-Meter Score: 26.
Cyprus: One of those 'false flag' entries as the Cypriot singer is actually a schoolgirl from Kent. Is she really only 16? Hmmm. A nice song, actually, and she has impressive fake nails. Awix-O-Meter Score: 31.
Turkey: Clearly thinking they have nothing to prove (and quite possibly not wanting to have to stage the damn thing thing two years running), the host nation decides to do something a bit different - the Eurovision debut of ska! Suspicions that this is a massive wind-up only heightened by singer's resemblence to Avid Merrion. My mum hated it but I found it quite catchy. Final score suffered due to dodgy hairstyles however. Awix-O-Meter Score: 25.
Romania: Let's do the time warp again. This lot appear to have wandered out of a Saxon promo c.1975, only with a bit more glitter. Another very unmemorable performance. Awix-O-Meter Score: 30.
Sweden: 'Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Belinda Carlisle.' Squarely in the Euro-pop tradition, and brought to us by the colour pink. One of the best hairstyles of the evening. Awix-O-Meter Score: 33.
So the top five on the Awix-O-Meter were:
1st: Ukraine (41 points)
2nd: Russia (38 points)
3rd: Belgium (35 points)
4th: Sweden (33 points)
5th: Malta (32 points)
Well, the various European nations did their ringing in and you'll be doubtless glad to hear that after some dodgy early voting ('O My Faun' from Serbia and Montenegro did astonishingly well) the Ukrainian whipcrackers romped home fairly comfortably. The UK came 16th, hardly cause for celebration but at least we got some points this time (beating Ireland into the bargain).
(Actually, the whole voting thing needs serious attention as a) with 36 voting nations, tallying the scores is on the verge of lasting longer than the performance of the songs, and b) the Eastern European block vote is making Eurovision even more of a farce than usual. A Balkan or Baltic state has won the contest in three of the last four years.)
So, as I say, hardly a vintage Eurovision but one which had its moments to be sure. Hopefully we in the UK can move forward from this and take solace from the very impressive performance of our singer (even if she happened to be competing for Cyprus). Come on, guys - a guy in Istanbul didn't work out, so how about if we try a chick in Kiev?
