Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing
Where was the elephant found?
It was really never missing!
How can you tell that there's an elephant hiding under your bed?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath.
Do you know the similarity between a prune and an elephant?
They are both purple. Except the elephant.
What do you give an elephant with diarrhoea?
Lots of room!
Why did the elephant fall from the tree?
He didn't! The hippo pushed him!
What's the difference between an elephant and a small biscuit?
You cannot dip the elephant into your tea
Why could you see the elephants stomping about in the jungle last Saturday?
They were competing! They got one point per ant.
Why do some elephants have wrinkled feet?
To give the ants a chance.
What can you call an elephant with cotton in his ears?
Anything you like!
Do you know why it is so dangerous to go into the jungle on Thursday afternoon?
It is, that's when the elephant practice parachuting.
Do you know why the crocodiles are so flat?
Guess where they went Thursday afternoon.
Why did the elephant have bananas in his ears?
He couldn't find any cotton.
Do you know why elephants are big, grey and wrinkled?
That's because if they were small, white and smooth, they would be paracetamole-tablets.
How do you make a marble-statue of an elephant?
You take a huge block of marble and then chop off everything not looking like an elephant!
What's the difference between an elephant and a chunk of chocolate?
Elephants don't melt on your tongue.
What's the definition of noise?
That's an elephant removing a splinter from the hind leg of a flea with a crow bar while standing on a hot, tin roof!
Why do elephants wear slippers?
To avoid sinking into the sand!
Why do elephants wear ties?
Trick question: They really don't.
Where do you find your elephant?
Most likely where you left it!
What is small, grey, and has a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday
How do you know when you have an elephant in bed with you?
He has an E on his pyjamas.
What is grey has big ears and a trunk?
A mouse going on holiday
What is brown, has big ears and a trunk?
A mouse coming back from holiday.
Why do Elephants have big ears?
Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom
Old lady on phone to police on seeing an elephant (for the first time ever) in her garden.
"Hello, hello, yes, I want the police! There is a huge animal in my garden... What's it doing?" Looks out of window and runs back to phone. "It's pulling my cabbages out of the ground with its tail and I darent' say what its doing with them!"
How does an elephant get down from a tree?
Sits on a leaf and waits till autumn.
Why does an elephant paint its toenails red?
So it can hide in cherry trees
Q: Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Peer pressure.
Elephant to mouse, "You're very small!"
Mouse, "I know, I haven't been well."
Tarzan And The Elephants
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Here come the elephants over the hill."
Do you know what Jane said when she saw an elephant approach over the hill?
"Look, there's a prune approaching over the hill." She was colour-blind.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
A: Nothing. He didn't recognize them.
Elephants And Fridges
How do you know you've had an elephant in the fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you tell if there's 2 elephants in your fridge?
The door won't close.
Do you know why elephants paint their feet yellow?
That's because they can hide easier when floating on their backs in a bowl of custard.
Now, have you ever actually seen an elephant float in a bowl of custard?
No? That just shows how well the camouflage works!
Do you know what's black, yellow and dangerous?
Sharks in custard. That's why the elephants paint their feet yellow.
Elephants And Cars
How do you get an elephant into a car?
Open door, insert elephant, close door.
How do you get 4 elephants in a car?
2 in the front, 2 in the back.
How do you get 5 elephants in a car?
2 in the front, 2 in the back, and 1 in the trunk.
How do you get two elephants into a mini?
Put one in each of the front seats.
How do you get two giraffes into a mini?
Put them in the back seats, but open the sun roof first.
How do you get two wolves into a mini?
You can't - it's full of elephants and giraffes.
How do you get two whales in a mini?
Down the M4 and over the Severn Bridge.
How do you know when there are two elephants in your fridge?
There's a mini outside with a couple of giraffes sitting in the back seats.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: With a red elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a white elephant?
A: First dig three holes.
Fill the first with peanuts, the second one the bottom half with peanuts and the top half with hay, and the third completely with hay.
The white elephant will come to the first hole and see the peanuts, which he loves, and eat them all. When he gets to the second hole, he'll see hay, which he doesn't like, but he'll smell the peanuts so he'll eat all the hay to get to the peanuts.
Once they're all gone he'll get to the third hole and he won't see or smell peanuts, but since the other two had peanuts, he'll eat all the hay hoping to come to some peanuts. When he gets to the bottom and realizes there aren't any peanuts, he'll get so mad he'll turn red and you can shoot him with the red elephant gun.
Presenter (to paleontologist): "So what would happen if you mated the woolly mammoth with, say, an elephant?"
Expert: "Well in the same way that a horse and a donkey produce a mule, we'd get a sort of half-mammoth.
Presenter: "So it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla?"
Expert: "Er, well yes, but elephant shaped, and with tusks."
|So Long, And Thanks For Laughing|