h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well you don't get to see a golem all hopped up on caffeine dancing the polka every day now, do you? I wonder what kind of effect that will have on the golem?

T, how are you feeling?

/* Zeppo runs over to Titania wagging his tail, and spits out a now very slobbery shiny green object on a chain. */

*surprised to recognize her elf emerald, carefully wipes it off on the grass*

Good boy Zeppo - thank you!

I'm fine d'E - except for my memory being a black hole - last thing I remember was diving into the river...

*checks clothes*

...but my clothes are dry?

Don't question it. Happens all the time in adventures.

*Pours some water from his canteent onto his cape, which evaporates away the second you take your eyes off of it*

See? Or, possibly, it's from the length of time that you were crazy when you got out of the river. Either or. Take your pick.

Crazy? Who are you calling crazy? I'm not crazy!

Titania, I'm a mad scientist. I know crazy. I'm also an adventurer, so I know posessed. You were one of the above.

Ti, is your pearl ok? What's in the coffee cup?

You were all wacked out there Ti, come aboard and get some rest.

*concerned*

What do you mean - 'posessed'?

*checks the cup*

It's empty...

*checks inside blouse*

Yep, still got my pearl...

*climbs into raft*

*Affy's subplot alert goes off. Unfortunately, he still hasn't realized that he has a subplot alert. Instead, he thinks, "Goodness, these shoes are so comfortable!"*

*Doing a head count, realizes that there are more adventurers than previously, is not sure if everyone is aboard.*

Do we have everybody?

I'm on. I think most of us are.

/* Knows his shoes are terribly *un*comfortable, so assumes that the persistent thought about how comfortable his shoes are is coming from someone else. But not Zeppo. */

OK, can we concentrate on getting rid of these orchids now? Maybe we could fly the raft into a desert environment with not enough moisture to support orchid life. They would drop right off, I imagine.

Well, that might work. But they might be the kind of orchids that have those aerial roots, you know, they hang from trees and the roots breathe the air. I saw them on a nature show. Who knew they could put together a 2 hour program on orchids. You should see how many different ways they can pollinate.

*Sees a number of salonistas staring at her.*

What?

I could use the Meef spell, but it made me pretty tired when I got rid of some of my orchids before. I've still got some on my feet, too, so it wasn't really worth it at the time. For all I know, totally removing these things might make us fall asleep long enough for more of 'em to reattach themselves.

OK, here's what we'll do: We'll take the raft up to a height that should allow us to remove the orchids and throw them overboard and them not be able to reattach. I would suggest only de-orchiding one of us to begin with, to see what the effects are. I will even volunteer for this but, it may mean having to wait in the open should I suddenly need to sleep.

Perhaps before we go with Zomnker's plan, we should ask IAN about them. My understanding was that removing them leaves you mentally exhausted - Lil had that experience when she just removed a few. I'd hate to think what would happen if you removed a lot of them.

And didn't IAN say that the only way to get rid of them was to go to the Temple of the Guide, and that the only way to get there from here, at least for us, is through the mine? She's already pointed the way to the mines for us - I think it was something about taking a left at the baobab tree and watching out for the monkey doo doo.

*Looks over at IAN*

Did I get that about right?

Oh, and did you all notice how the Oglemgol disappeared, just before it went out of sight. I mean, just before it would have gone out of sight if it had been still visible.

That's right GL. If you try to remove the Orchids you'll not only exhaust and incapacitate yourselves but the Orchids won't stay passive and let you do it. They'll try to increase their reproductive rate to compensate and they do that by drawing energy and sustenance from you ..... that's why you feel tired when you try it.

If you go to the Temple of the Guide our condition will go into remission as they can't survive there. But that will only be a temporary cure, now we're infested if we leave the Temple it will come back again ..... that means you have to get the Temple to provide you with the cure.

The only way to the Temple is through the mines

As I said - turn left at that Baobab Tree yonder, watch out for the monkeys and you should see the crater from there. Head for the Crater.

Thanks for looking after the things and keeping them safe, guys.

*packs the kit away*

The sooner we set off, the sooner we'll be rid of these things.

*with two orchids attached either side of her head, she looks like she is wearing a pair of exotic earrings*

OK Left at the baobab tree, watch out for monkeys, head for the crater. Question: what's a baobab tree look like?