h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I don't know the exact procedures for how you work here, but do you do upgrades for previous items? I've got this penny-whistle here, and I've been using it as my temporal medium of choice at the H2G2 Time Travellers Society. Would it be possible to sci-fi it up a tad, but let it keep its fantasy world-ish charm?

Well, probably....we could always add an oscilloscope to it. Make it auto-tune itself, thus providing for smoother time travelling.

Any other ideas, GL?

*Begins trying to set up an oscilloscope*

Well...since you want it to maintain its old world charm, I guess upgrading to a nickle whistle, or a dime whistle wouldn't do, would it?

Hmmmm. We could equip it with a sci-fi special effects generator, so that when you do a time jump, it would create your choice of puffy clouds, swirling spirals, or shrink-to-a-dot effects, accompanied by your choice of pwing, shooooop or ffffttttt sounds. We could also install an auto-return timer, where it would automatically return you to the present after a time that you preset on the timer. We have one of those here in the lab, except that it is the cuckoo clock model and it cuckoos for the 5 posts before you return. Swiss guy ordered it and never picked it up.

If you thought you needed a little, er, protection, we could install this snowzar attachment. Has nothing to do with time travel, but if you play the proper notes on the penny whistle, while aiming it at someone, it will fire a blast at them that will freeze them for a selectable time, all the way from one post up to permafrost. The particular note sequence that you play determines the length of freezing. We've made some changes since the prototype, where we had set "Mary had a little lamb" to correspond to permafrost. Uncle Ned misses Aunt Hellen's cooking, but he's not too unhappy with her inability to talk to him. And he still never misses the opportunity to show off his limited musical talents. Anyway, you now get permafrost using Beethoven's 5th and a 5 post freeze using "Smoke on the water". Other lengths of freeze use other tunes that hopefully won't be played by chance sometime.

Um, what else, Affy? Any of those appeal, Penny?

Well, we could give it a Demo Mode, where it could just play its own ambient music in the background, might make a nice party favor.

Similarly, an Auto-Pilot might be a nice feature. If you're ever, say, back in World War I and are about to be captured, you could send this ahead in time to your most likely prison cell an hour after you're most likely to arrive. Or, just have it go home to a safe time so that someone can check the history books and send it back for you.

Oh, and you could try a phone feature. We could give you a communication song that would allow you to briefly speak with someone else, wherever they are at the moment.

Lemme think....there could be more....

Actually, I think that's a good selection. How soon do you think that this could be ready? And for how much?

Oh, I think we could have it ready pretty soon....as long as we don't get distracted by the little details....

Distracted by the details? Us? Never!

Say, Affy, that "ambient music" you mentioned for the Demo Mode. I think it would be cool if it played some classic rock songs. I can just imagine it playing "smoke on the water"


tweet tweet tweet
tweet tweet TWEET tweet
tweet tweet tweet
tweet tweet

Yes, I think that could work out pretty well....oh! And since this device is musical in nature, adding a low-level Polka Gun would be a snap!

We should make up a play list for that Demo Mode. Let's see, we have "smoke on the water" so far.

Hmmmm....

How about something by Jethro Tull - you know, the band that used a flute in their rock music. A flute is sorta like a penny whistle, isn't it?


This isn't getting distracted by the details, is it?

Not yet....give us time, though....


Yeah, I think a penny whistle can do anything that a flute can. Just differently.

Let's give it the music from Chariots Of Fire on the Demo mode! Theoretically, we could also tie that in to the temporal facilities of the device, thus allowing for a time slowing effect.

So....think it's about finished yet?

Er, yes, we've just about got the play list sorted out.

Yeah, it's a nice list. And, uh....

*Quickly types up a sheet of paper*

If you'd like to add any more songs and their respective effects, just follow these instructions....

*Hands over the paper*

I think that should about do it....

Ah, okay! Thanks! With this new-improved penny whistle, I can actually start doing...stuff. Like adventures, if I was ever around long enough.

Affy - did you install all that other stuff? I was working on the play list. Wait a minute, you were working on the play list too. We'd better get to work.


Er, Penny, we're not quite done. Uh, we'll need it for a few more minutes. We'll just slip into the lab with it...

*sounds of frantic hammering and sawing and drilling*

Okay! Just tell me when.

*sounds of jack hammer and chainsaw*

*Penny Whistle goes through some fingering practise while waiting*

*sounds of dentist drill and hamster wheel*

*Practices her soft shoeing*

Say, one last little thought: would it be possible to create some form of....I don't know. Time/space beacons? So that I could, you know, just play the "Beacon" song, and then be teleported to any of the Beacons that I choose to go to, whenever and wherever they are?

Maybe tiny electronic devices that I could imbed in things, or something. That'd be cool. If possible, could I have five of them put inside miniatures? Not more than a few inches in size, of course. Perhaps a Mole, a Unicorn, a Martian, a Dragon, and a Parrot?

Thanks.