Rounds IV

2 Conversations

In the interest of not crashing my poor old browser, Round IV.
smiley - winkeye

Thank you, LT&PP


Posted on someforum by Løønytünes»» Ace up sleeve

Subject: Creep...

slightly edited


[A man] was wandering around in a field, thinking
about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate
he was to have her. He asked God, "Why did you make her
so kind-hearted?"

The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her so good-looking?"

"So you could love her, my son."

"Why did you make her such a good cook?"

"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don`t mean to
seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so
stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

EXPRESSIONS FOR A "HIGH STRESS" DAY

Originally titled:

"EXPRESSIONS FOR A WOMAN'S "HIGH STRESS" DAYS.."smiley - winkeye

  1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
  2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
  3. You! Off my planet!!
  4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  5. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
  6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for
    30 years.
  7. Allow me to introduce my selves...
  8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
  12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  13. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you
    haven't fallen asleep yet.
  14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
  15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
    [leave the house?]
  16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
  17. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
  18. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
  19. Okay, okay, I take it back! Un(blank)you!
  20. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  21. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
  22. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep
    inside the earth.
  23. Earth is full. Go home.
  24. Is it time for your medication or mine?
  25. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
  26. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  27. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  28. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
Action Alert

The Truth about Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO)


Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these
deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers
of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure
to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of
DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and
possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte
imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO
withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide...

  • is also known as hydroxl acid, and is the major component of
    acid rain
  • contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
  • may cause severe burns.
  • contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
  • accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
  • may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
    automobile brakes.
  • has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer
    patients.


Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every
stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the
pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in
Antarctic ice. DHMO has caused millions of dollars of
property damage in the midwest, and recently in California.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used...

  • as an industrial solvent and coolant.
  • in nuclear power plants.
  • in the production of Styrofoam.
  • as a fire retardant.
  • in many forms of cruel animal research.
  • in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing,
    produce remains contaminated by this chemical.
  • as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food
    products.


Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing
can be done to stop them because this practice is still
legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot
afford to ignore it any longer! The American government has
refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this
damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of
this nation." In fact, the navy and other military
organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing
multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during
warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities
receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground
distribution network. Many store large quantities for later
use.


Act NOW to prevent further contamination! Write to your
representatives, calling for an world-wide ban on the use of
dihydrogen monoxide, this silent killer! Let's give those
politicians something more important to worry than figuring how to
prevent the application of natural, well known properties of
numbers to encrypt data. And find out more about this
dangerous chemical. What you don't know can hurt you and
others throughout the world.

Note:  In case you haven't already
figured it out, the symbol for dihydrogen monoxide is
H20 (water).

Anagrams

An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.  The
following are exceptionally clever.  Someone out there either
has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

Word

Anagram

DormitoryDirty Room
The Morse CodeHere come Dots
Slot MachinesCash Lost in 'em
AnimosityIs No Amity
Mother-in-lawWoman Hitler
Snooze AlarmsAlas! No More Z's
Alec GuinnessGenuine Class
SemolinaIs No Meal
The Public Art GalleriesLarge Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal PointI'm a Dot in Place
The EarthquakesThat Queer Shake
Eleven plus twoTwelve plus one
ContradictionAccord not in it
AstronomerMoon Starer
Princess DianaEnd Is A Car Spin
And, interestingly enough...
Year Two ThousandA Year To Shut Down
Birds and Bees

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds
and the bees.  "I don't want to know!" the child said,
bursting into tears.  Confused, the father asked his son what
was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "At age six I got the
'There's no Santa' speech.  At age seven I got the 'There's no
Easter bunny' speech.  Then at age 8 you hit me with the
'There's no tooth fairy' speech!  If you're going to tell me
now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left
to live for!"

Computer-age Nursery Rhymes

This one, again, was posted by Loony in 'some forum'.

Note to Loony:  If these are your
original works, and you'd rather I take them down, let me
know.  On the other hand, if you have definitive knowledge of
who did write them, let me know that, too, so I can properly
accredit the articles.


Mother McGee went to drive C:

To find her poor Windows a byte

But, when she enquired, all drive space expired

And not even Stacker would put it right.


Little Miss Muffet opened her notebook

And called on WordPerfect to write

Along came a spider, who sat down beside her,

and explained how the function keys worked.


Jack and Jill are married still

But things look kinda scary

He loves a PC; she's fond of a Mac

and RISC makes both of them wary.


Mary had a little Lan

Then, she wanted more

First she bought a lot of RAM

Then part interest in a computer store.

CSC -- Government Official(tm)

Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your genuine
Government Official[tm].  With regular maintenance your
Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of
sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation
and other fine services.  Before you begin using your product,
we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this
customer service card.  This information will not be sold to
any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better
fulfilling your future needs in political influence.


1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

__ President
__ Vice-President
__ Senator
__ Congressman
__ Governor
__ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
__ Cabinet Secretary - Other
__ Other Elected Official (please specify)
__ Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government Official[tm]? Please check all
that apply.

__ TV ad.
__ Magazine / newspaper ad.
__ Shared jail cell with.
__ Former law partner of.
__ Unindicted co-conspirator with.
__ Arkansas crony of.
__ Procured for.
__ Related to.
__ Recommended by lobbyist.
__ Recommended by organized crime figure.
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
__ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
__ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
__ Solicited bribe from me.
__ Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official[tm]? (Please check all
that apply.)

__ Obtain lucrative government contracts.
__ Have my prejudices turned into law.
__ Obtain diplomatic concessions.
__ Obtain trade concessions.
__ Have embargo lifted from own nation / ally.
__ Have embargo imposed on enemy / rival nation / religious infidels.
__ Obtain patronage job for self / spouse / mistress.
__ Forestall military action against self / allies.
__ Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for

future conquest.
__ Impede criminal / civil investigation of self / associates / spouse.
__ Obtain pardon for self / associates / spouse.
__ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies / rivals / hated ethnic
groups.
__ Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental
exploiters / capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)

__ Performance of currently owned model.
__ Reputation.
__ Price.
__ Appearance.
__ Party affiliation.
__ Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
__ Orders from boss / superior officer / foreign government.
__ Blackmail.
__ Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned
Government Official[tm]? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.
__ Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
__ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
__ Defect in current model:
__ Dead.
__ Senile.
__ Indicted.
__ Convicted.
__ Resigned in disgrace.
__ Switched parties / beliefs.
__ Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time. Always remember: in choosing a Government
Official[tm] you have chosen the best politician that money can buy.

Five Questions Men Hate

The 5 questions most feared by men are:


1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public
service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible
responses.

Question #1:  What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear.  I was just reflecting on what a warm,
wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and
how lucky I am to have met you."  This response obviously
bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one
of the following:

a. Football.

b. Golf.

c. How fat you are.

d. How much prettier she is than you

e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question #2:  Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
answer is in order, "Yes, dear."


Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, [email protected]*-loads.

b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

c. That depends on what you mean by love.

d. Does it matter?

e. Who, me?

Question #3:  Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"  Among
the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?

b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

c. A little extra weight looks good on you.

d. I've seen fatter.

e. Sorry what did you say?  I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4:  Do you think she's prettier than
me?


Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality

b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner

c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age

d. Define pretty

e. Sorry what did you say?  I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5:  What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.  (The real answer, of course, is
"Buy a Lotus and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour
of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:


WOMAN: Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with
pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Sh&%.


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