h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Give some people a 'speak and spell' for their birthday, and they think that they know it all.

Isn't it always the way the way with Biographers, they always concentrate on the the 'titilation' over 'illumination'.

- I knew GOOD-NEWS wouldn't sell.

Actually, Mr. God sir, being the omniscient entity that you are, I am sure you are aware of the numerous other articles I've written explaining in detail that neither I nor anyone else actually knows anything at all. As far as the speak and spell, thanks for sending it my way but my articles are still laden with numerous spelling errors, ample evidence that I haven't made much use of it.

I agree that unauthorized biographies rarely have much to say that warms the heart of the biographee. Perhaps you would like to offer a retelling of your own life story somewhere without a bunch of nationalistic jewish crap cluttering up the narrative. Just a suggestion.

* lurches into the room after a night-out that inadvertently lead to the demise of several small planets, still, at least the locals had only get as far as paganism... *

Look, I wasn't having a ...I think the term is... a 'go' at you about lack of spelling. When your someone in my position every Millennia or so you are called apon to frame your articles in a new language. I was just getting used to Latin and all its many inexplicable foibles, and then I find out the faithful have decided English is all the rage...

Mind you, working in mysterious ways through prophets is just a nightmare, as they tend to go a little potty with the voices in their heads.

By the way, I didn't think bringing up your prior indiscretions was a worthwhile activity, given that a lifesaver would have a better chance of saving your soul at this juncture of time...

- DEFINITELY, holier than thou.

Sorry to hear about those planets. Between your drunken brawling, Shiva's dancing on the tabletops, and Allah picking fights with all those infidels sometimes I am amazed this planet is even still here.

As far as the language thing goes, would you prefer Sanskrit or Esperanto? Maybe you need to find a deaf-mute prophet or something who just paints what he sees... oh wait you say you've thought of that already?

Saving my soul? Why is it that souls are always in danger of destruction? Seems we have enough problems just keeping our mortal bodies going. Maybe you should have built the things a bit sturdier. From all I hear about you it would almost seem you created life simply with an eye towards finding fuel for your flaming pit.

I...I...I...Yes, Hmmm... You can blame the likes of Greebo the Cat and Doctor John for reintroducing me again to the delights of the ‘demon’ alcohol, I think they get some perverse pleasure out of seeing the Universe spinning out of control, whilst I’m comatosed...

In terms of Prophets, I've given up using them. The likes of Saint Joan put me off for good, trying to get them to here over their own multitude of internal voices, is guaranteed to drive even the most determined deity mad...

Besides, It seems there is to much competition from the David Koresh’s of this world, give them a Gideons for their Birthday, and they think their god...

I thought, I would get 'hip daddyio' to the internet age, as most people think I'm an old fuddy-duddy for believing in things such as respect, morals & kindness.

The whole saving souls routine is basically out of pure nostalgia. If I can use the analogy of Victorian wooden peg soldiers, they being lovingly hand-crafted with due care and attention, it would be an awful shame to use them as firelighters - now wouldn't it ?

- Saving humanity from itself...

Due care and attention? I rather hate to bring up something that's going to sound a lot like artistic criticism but you are not a terribly careful artist. Between atavisms, deformities, and other physical defects and a host of emotional/psychological defects it seems like you could be paying a little more attention. Ever think that rather than having us indulge in slavery, war and class conflict motivated by the need to fuel ourselves that you could have just gone with photosynthesis? Come on, admit it, you're not the designer here. I can't imagine being in your shoes and storing something as precious as a 'soul' inside of a soft, hairless monkey container.

Kindness is a good deal. Morals do a lot more harm than good, though. Everyone's a moralist. Yawn. Suffice to say that no army has ever marched carrying the banner of 'Satan' in their front lines, now have they? As for respect; not worth much unless its earned. Very few people go out of their way to earn it from me.

David Koresh might have been onto something with the whole 'I am God' thing. He just kind of got stuck there before realizing that everyone else is as well. Better luck to him next time I guess.

Not to change the subject here, but i notice that you are supporting the celery, Godster, this makes us other candidates feel slightly overshadowed. Thankfully we have Archangel Zax on our (evil) side, should God and his/her Archangel be on different sides?

Given that the nature of savng souls was to allow them entry to the kingdom of heaven...following what you've just said about getting pissed and playing pool with planets, I'm starting to wonder what the advantage of joining you in heaven really is?

As mentioned in Black Adder, Heaven really isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Watering pot-plants and talking to god really don't turn me on too much.

I'd rather not have any more of these sorts of pointless discussions, if you don't mind (and I don't care if you do)....

Fruitbat

why did you bother joining in then?

Hmm.. Interesting... But my soul don't need saving, my spirit has wings.. and breathes fire.

'Nonnie

Sometimes I like to have the penultimate word on something....usually when someone else has spent a lot of time and energy 'proving' they're right and waiting for everyone else to agree with them....and few do.

Fruitbat

Oh no.. Tell me I haven't stumbled onto the lair of the GAs.. one of those groups that go 'round making the world unfit for the rest of us to live in?! *scampers away*