h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
>> >
Two peanuts walk into a bar,
One was a salted.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
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Dyslexic man walks into a bra
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A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to
thebar man. Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh
is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and says "Are you
Vincent Van Gogh?" "Yes" the old man replies "Do you want a pint?" "No,
ta. I've got one 'ere."
>> >
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
>> >

Boom boom

Thanks for your help - the jokes can now be found here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A617753
- if you come across any more, PLEASE let me know.

<BB<

I was just passing through and noticed that there was a bar joke missing.

A string walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, you have to leave, we don't serve strings here", so the string leaves. He goes outside, ties himself in a knot, and roughs up his ends a little bit, and goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you the string I just kicked outta here a minute ago". "No sir, I'm a frayed knot"

I told that one in another thread, but so badly it was unrecognizable.

Sorry, I didn't see it, my bad.

Here goes, apologies all round: -

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. He will bet £50 on it. A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his £50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his £50.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the man says, "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at the man and says, "Play it? I'm going to make love to it as soon as I get those pajamas off."


This lady walks into a bar and sees this really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Beer." She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar. After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" He says, "Yes, I'll show you." So, he takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back into the window. She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again." So, he takes another drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Beer. So the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "Superman, you're a real a*****e when you're drunk."


There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean REALLY, REALLY, REALLY DRUNK. When the bar closed the guy got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So the REALLY DRUNK guy stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was really suprised but before she could do or say anything the REALLY DRUNK guy punched her again. This time she fell down and the DRUNK guy stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So the REALLY DRUNK guy stumbled over to her and said "NOT VERY STRONG TONIGHT, ARE YOU BATMAN?"


A man goes into a pub in an isolated part of Ireland. The place is full of regulars, but they make him welcome and he sits down at the bar. He's been sitting there a little while, and someone says '365', and everybody bursts out laughing. The man is mystified, but says nothing. Anyway, a few minutes later, the same thing happens again: someone says '129', and all the locals start roaring with laughter.

After it's happened a couple more times, the man can't take it any more, and asks the barman what it's all about. 'Oh, it's perfectly simple, really' he said 'Round here, we don't get to hear any new jokes, and we all know the same ones, so to make life a bit easier, we just numbered them, so that we don't have to keep on telling them over and over again' The man can see the point behind this, but it's really quite unnerving to have everybody around him laughing without knowing what's going on. Anyway, in the interests of being polite, he decides to enter into the spirit of things, so he shouts out '621', and the pub descends into uproar as every single person in there starts laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor with tears in their eyes.

Even more mystified, the man turns to the barman again, and says 'Well, what's that joke, then? It seemed to go down pretty well' The barman wiped the tears from his eyes and says 'Ah, that's because they've not heard that one before'


A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The barman gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic.... and that aftershave is just wonderfull!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realising he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You TWIT......Oh my god you STINK..........Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."


An Englishman, Irish man and a Scotsman sat in a pub talking about their sons' names. The English man says that his son George is called that because he was born on St. George's day, the Scots man says that his sons name is Andrew because he was born on St.Andrew's day. The Irish man then pipes up "Well my son is called Pancake!!"


A guy walks into a bar and notices two pieces of meat on the ceiling. He asks the bar man for a pint and the bar man asks, "Don't you want to participate in our competition?"
The guy asks "What's it all about?"
The barman informs him, "All you have to do is get those pieces of meat off the ceiling and you get a free pint!
If you fail you have to buy the whole pub a drink."
The guy replies, "No I don't think so mate... the steaks are too high!"