Free Internet CDs

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Our homes and offices are currently plagued by an invasion just as bad as junk mail and spam emails. This is the horror of Free Internet CDs. Unlike junk mail, they cannot be easily shredded and recycled. Unlike email, they cannot simply be deleted. And most people feel that a CD is a useful and innocent object, and therefore do not throw them away.


The content of the CDs are mostly of the same pattern, with a few frills. A few of them offer shareware programs to entice you to insert it into your CD-ROM drive. These programs, on use, are found to be completely useless without the included internet connection to the advertised company. This connection is no better or worse than any other, but will be much applauded on the packaging as the best possible method of connection.


The CD itself comes in a flat plastic or card wallet. This is also useless. The CD label is brightly coloured and displays a particularly gormless catch phrase. These include:

'GET that career - ZOOM free internet'

'The fastest way to connect to the internet'

'FREE! EASY! FUN! FAST!'

'All New'


Instructions to the use of the CD are usually included either on the CD or on an accompanying leaflet. These instructions are specially written by primary school special needs teachers, and are edited by industry standard Cool and Groovy people. The net result is that the instructions are bright pink and have randomly sized and placed headers saying things like 'ENJOY' and 'READ'.


If you are stupid enough to actually install one of the CDs, your hard drive is instantaneously filled with a whole load of junk that you really don't need. Once you connect to the internet, even more junk will be downloaded without you even asking. Your computer will no longer be yours - it now belongs to the CD's creators. If you do not permanently use their connection, and their email services, and their supported browser, and shop on their online shops, your computer will suddenly produce random bugs and your server will explode.


In the old days, when this kind of software was distributed on floppy disks, a solution to the problem was obvious. Insertion into the computer was followed by a quick formatting routine, and a blank, useful, free floppy disk was produced. Sadly this cannot be achieved with a CD, and so millions of people are left with an ever increasing pile of Free Internet CDs which they are sure will come into use one day.


Something obviously has to be done about this problem. Certain inventive minds have come up with a number of uses for these CDs, thus avoiding space wastage and also preventing future generations making the mistake of coming across these CDs and inserting them into their computers.

Uses for otherwise useless CDs


1. The current most popular use is to use them as frisbees. They don't fly very well, and break easily, but there's plenty where they came from.

2. They can be stuck (label first) onto the wall in a pattern as a nice modern art decoration.

3. They make great novelty beer mats.

4. Use the particularly shiny ones as shaving mirrors.

5. After using them as frisbees the edges are often left broken and sharp. Use them as ninja discs.

6. Superglue them all together, and use as a large-volume, small-capacity smarties tube;

7. or as extra-secure cable insulation;

8. or as small coffee tables;

9. or as rollers for transporting large furniture.

10. Cut them into sections and use them as shiny pie charts.

11. Become a physics lecturer and use them to demonstrate refraction of light.

12. Glue to the floor in a pattern as novelty tiling.

13. Glue one to the back of your hamster's wheel so it can use it's reflection as a pace setter while exercising.

14. Propose to your beloved and present it as a novelty engagement ring.

15. Use them as trainer wheels for your children's bike.

16. Use them as targets for your rifle practice. If they don't smash, you're either an exceptionally good shot or an exceptionally bad shot.

17. Put them into the microwave and watch them spark.

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