h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*sribbles 'Just seeing how soft it was'*

*waves at Menz@@se and the drinkers before gripping scythe in teeth and scampering away*

No, the Fuel was mixed deliberately. And after only a few beers, few were needed after it was mixed.

*enters, head bowed, dressed entirely in black* Barman? BARMAN!!! A quadruple vodka, a bottle of paracetemol and two minutes' silence for the death of love, if you'd be so kind. *kicks a table over*

grandfather clock ticks very very loudly

tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, , tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, , tock, tick, tock, tick, tock, tick, tock,tick , tock, tick, tock.

Er... hi! I heard that there might be a late licence here. Or a lock-in, anyway. Is that true?
I hope so, because I've had a terrible day and I want to drink like a .

I think there's something wrong with your clock - it's digital.

Well, have a pint on me. Peanuts?

I think there's something wrong with the bar staff. I'm still thirsty!

no, it is pendulum operated with appropriate compensations for the oblate spheroid shape of the earth.

Mensa**e, the barman, has retired for the night. So help yourself. All you have to do is pull the pumps. It's easy, look
*pulls down the Bud tap, but accidently hits chin with pump, and drops glass, spilling glass and bud all over the floor.*
Erm, well, you get the idea....

SERVICE!!!!!

mI apple gies - it wos mi watch I woz looOooking at.... pErHApS Ive' hAD a lItTLe two mach to RdiNk.

Can you keep the noise down? Some of us are broken hearted and trying to drink ourselves to death here. *kicks the clock over*

That's all right. I think I need a pint of whatever you've been drinking.

R u bWavE eNUff tWo tRY a pINt od DRUMROLL?????

*raises himself to his full height* I DEMAND TO HAVE SOME BOOZE!!!!!!!

*grandfather clock crashes over very very loudly
smash as case splits open
boings as springs bounce everywhere
off key tones as chime-bell bounces against clapper and then a dull tone as it cracks
mouse runs down and dies of fright

Mad Hatter runs out of the pub, sobbing*

Okay my friend. As we're both regulars I'll get you a drink. Aren't you always in the far corner of the pub, at the other end of the bar to me? I don't think we've talked much.
Wow! I've got my voice back! Time for a ninety percenter, I think...

Don't talk to me about bravery or broken hearts. A football team very dear to my heart is now top of the Nationwide League Division Three...

...But only if you hold the league table upside down.
So yes, fire away!!! A pint of drum roll, with a drum roll chaser!!! Line 'em up!!! I want your best cure for sobriety and I want it now!!!

I know the feeling. My local teams never got itself out of the Doc Marten's League.