h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Give me a few rounds of gI_I. It's going to be one of those long nights.

Ever get that feeling when you know something is missing? Something big, yet, you know, not so big as to leave a void in the good craziness locked up inside?

I'm going to tell you a story...

As soon as I successfully order my drinks...

Ah, screw it.


The story is one of idealism, struggle, despair, passion, success, failure, love, and long sleepless nights of Jethro Tull playing in the background.

It begins in a house...

Quite a nice house, actually.

There's no point in describing it, yet it maybe interesting to note that since the house is only five years old, the walls have constantly remained a heavenly, blinding, and clean shade of white that has a tendency to give guests as well as the residents of the house, myslef namely, a very large migraine. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that hits right behind the eyes...


On the second floor of this house is a hall which leads to a various assortment of rooms, the sleeping areas of my family, and the computer room.

The room at the far end of the hall on the left belongs to me. If you were to walk into that room at any moment between 9:36 P.M. to 4:13 A.M., you would have seen the researcher you have all done an amazing job at ignoring, Yossarian Prefect lying on the floor of an incredibly messy room. Right next to me was an unneccesarily large stereo system blasting Jethro Tull very, very, very loudly. Also, at the time the floor was covered in about three inches of history notes. Hundreds upon hundreds of pages on which the history of the entire world is written upon, ranging from the Minoan Civilization (2000 B.C.) to the Enlightenment Era (18th century and early 19th century)

Of course, I didn't just have these pages of notes out for the mere satisfaction of undergoing the pursuit of knowledge, but rather to study for an immensly large final three days away.

I was scrambling through the pile to find a key page about Charlesmagne and the Carolingian Dynasty, when all of a sudden, the issue I was avoiding for months popped right back into my mind.

There was no stopping it. It was on a roll.

I turned the stereo up seven more notches in an attempt to drown out the horrible feeling which had spread in the course of seconds into my spirit. This failed rather badly and resulted in not only the shattered pieces of a heart that at a time was once incalculably compassionate, but also bloody ears.

If you haven't figured it out yet, the problem was this:

I was a nice guy. I was a smart guy. I wasn't a drop dead gorgeous guy, but handsome enough. I also was a fairly witty, amusing, if not eccentric guy as well. These, however, were not the problem.

The problem was that while I tried very hard to be the good natured person I have always enjoyed being, I was incredibly single, and I began to ponder over love in general, the answer to it all, and that special someone that everyone suppposedly meets at some point within their lives. The lucky meet them while they are still young enough to control their bathroom skills, the luckier find them at a fairly young age, and the doomed never find them at all (if this seems a bit contradictory to what I have said before, don't worry, it is. Just remember that this is someone who is not talking from personal experience).

And then the worst realization decided to unexpectedly stop by and cause my brain to notice it.
This realization was that jerks, male-whores of the human race, and just about all people undeserving of good things were meeting girls all the time.

And so I ask to whomever has still sat through this long rambling at the Maverick Table, to please tell me why.

Why?

42?

By the way, it may have been optimistic to expect to get served within an hour; sometimes you have to wait days.

Days?

I thought I was just incapable of creating those little beer mug pictures.
I've been sitting in this bar for the past 24 hours and still haven't been served my drinks!

What type of bar serves drinks days after you order them? That's insane, psychotic, satanic, flamboyant, neurotic, despotic, and just plain ridiculuous pumbleychook if I've ever heard it!


Anyway...

42



I like that. It gives off that same feeling I got when I read that God's final message to his creation was, "We apologize for the inconvenience."
It still doesn't seem to help my bleeding ears, though.

*Gets fairly annoyed due to his lack of service or incapability to order drinks, jumps over the bar, grabs a bottle of gI_I, jumps over the bar once more, punches a fellow researcher in the face, and sits back down at the bar, slowly drinks his misery away*

Try vertical lines (|) instead of letter Is.

And how do I go about typing that vertical line?

If you are using a standard qwerty keyboard its hold down shift and press the key to the left of 'Z'.

*pours and *

For reasons unknown (probaly weird and historical) the symbol on the key is of a broken line.

*takes *

Still incapable of finding the right keys to order...anything really, *takes g^_^ (Guinness, if I happen to mess this up again).*

I'll also have your finest Y (sake, if I mess this up too)

On my keyboard, the ^ is shift and 6 . I'm afraid needs the vertical line, too.

*orders a and passes it over*

I've finally figured this out so let's do it right:

I'll have a and three

*beginning to feel the intoxicating effects*

Bagpuss, I feel this really hoopy pschyic link between us as if we were brothers or something. You were the only one who cared to answer my question. Drinks are on me tonight.

But first answer me this, my newfound friend. Be kind enought to answer this poor, bowler hat wearing, side-burned fool a lesson:



Where's the bathroom? I have to take a leak.

*looks worried, but takes free *

Hmmm, there was a gent's toilets thread before, but I think it's still undergoing moderation. Why don't you try http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A358805 instead?

*thinks that was a bit naughty, so redirects YP to http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A358841*

*orders seven more *



*walks over and starts hitting on an incredibley good looking female researcher*

walks away, rather

*comes back with a black eye. takes a very long pull at one of the *


Drink up. I didn't order all these for nothing