Driver's education, driving lessons, or driver's ed, as it is sometimes referred to, is a brief course designed to turn inept and inexperienced teenagers into competent and decently skilled operators of cars. What it actually does, however, is entirely different.

Driver's ed actually just annoys and bores young people who might have been driving for years and have just not told anyone official about it. The course is also designed to convey the impression that two out of every three teenagers will die within 15 seconds of getting their driver's licence, and are the only hope anyone has of surviving to 25. Upon reaching 25, in the eyes of insurance companies, you will magically turn into a real person.

Driving Lessons

Driving lessons is the nasty part. In order to learn to drive in the United Kingdom, you need to be at least 17 years of age, and satisfy certain requirements as regards health and eyesight¹. It may be possible to have a specially modified vehicle to cater for physical disabilities.

While you are a learner, you must be accompanied by a licensed driver who is at least 21, and has held a full UK driving licence for at least three years. You must also display red L plates² at all times. This means that everybody knows you're a learner, and will then begin to suffer from the curious affliction involving the thought 'Got to get past that learner' which takes precedence over all else in their minds, even when they're coming up to blind corners.

Driving Instructors

In the UK, if you want to pay somebody to teach you to drive, they must be an Approved Driving Instructor, which means they've taken several horrendous exams and driving tests, and been taught how to teach. They will usually have a dual control car, so that they can slam on the brakes if you're about to crash into something. This can be very useful.

If you're feeling more adventurous, you could get anyone to teach you to drive, although you aren't allowed to pay them.

There are two kinds of driver's ed teachers:

• The Old Man

Who teaches in the classroom. This teacher is invariably at least 60 and often as old as 172. He remembers the Good Old Days, when people were taught how to drive by the car salesmen, who showed you which pedals were which and then left you to your own devices. The Old Man ends every sentence with some variation of, 'That's the problem today,' even if he's relating a story that occurred over 30 years ago. If you try to talk to or explain something to the Old Man he will not be able to hear you until you agree with him, at which point he will compliment you condescendingly.

• The Heavy Smoker

Teaches driving. Their job is to sit in the passenger seat of a car which has seen better days and criticize the driver. If the driver does anything differently than the Heavy Smoker would do it, even if it works just as well or better, the Heavy Smoker yells at the driver and insists they 'get it right'. If the driver doesn't play along, they are forced to repeat the class until their will is destroyed.

One thing that the driver's ed course never fails to do is to make certain that the student (or, more often, the student's parents) parts with a large sum of money, regardless of whether or not the student passes the test.

The Theory Test

You have to take this short exam before you can take your driving test, and you also have to pass. The questions are of the multiple-choice answer kind, and basically you have to use your commonsense to answer them. If you've read and digested the Highway Code, you should do fine. There are 35 questions, and to pass you must answer at least 30 correctly.

The Driving Test

This is the big one. Forty minutes of driving with a total stranger in the passenger seat, who sits next to you putting marks on a big form. What you want is for your examiner not to put anything on the form other than your name, because that means you're a perfect driver. You're allowed to make 15 small mistakes, called driving faults, which are things like putting a signal on at the wrong time, passing vehicles too close, and so forth. If you make more mistakes than this, you fail your driving test. You can also commit a serious fault, marked with a big X, and one of these will fail you. However, unless the examiner believes you to be risking an accident, he will not terminate the test early.

During the driving test you have to perform two out of three of the following: a turn in the road, a reverse around a corner and reverse parking, and you may also be asked to do an emergency stop. This is great fun, especially if there is lots of loose stuff in the back of your instructor's car which can fly forwards as the car comes to a perfect halt, almost standing on its nose because you applied the brakes so hard³.

The turn in the road, which used to be called the three point turn, involves moving very slowly forwards with the steering on full right lock, until you reach the opposite kerb, then reversing very slowly on full left lock, then moving forwards again to get onto the correct side of the road⁴. Reverse parking is a manoeuvre designed to get into tiny parking spaces by going backwards, utilising the fact that the car steers on the front wheels. Because you have to find some unsuspecting person's car to practice this on, it's best to be careful. The reverse around a corner involves lots of looking over your shoulder, and as such becomes extremely painful. Watch out for malicious driving examiners who make you reverse into a road which has a speed hump just inside it.

Afterwards

Go down to the pub and have a drink (if you're over 18), because your nerves will be singing like a choir of robots exactly a flattened fifth out of tune. When you do this, however, remember to walk, because the police take a dim view of people who drink and drive. You don't want to get caught just after you've earned your licence, because you'll most probably lose it.