On the Subject of Pie - Episode Seven

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Secondary Phase - Episode Seven

Cedric was rather confused. Fair enough, it didn't take much to get him confused, but just for once he had thought he was onto something. He'd seen the bloke he was looking for while swooping across a nice big green area, but he'd had to land to follow the man once he left the park to head along a footpath between the trees. Ever hopeful that there would be some breadcrumbs in it for him, Cedric had landed and waddled quickly after John, trying as best he could to keep up. Cedric caught up with him just as he began to fiddle with an odd-looking brown thing, which a nearby lady also started to show interest in. Just as Cedric was about to quack for attention, he was blinded by a rather irritating flash of light. It took a few seconds for the red patches to fade, and by the time Cedric had blinked away the last influences of the strange light, both John and the lady had disappeared, leaving Cedric with a few charred feathers and no breadcrumbs. Irritated, Cedric quacked in disgust, gave up the chase and decided to go for a swim in a nearby pond.

smiley - biro

'Wow — it is a good view.'

'What did you expect? Pass me another jelly baby, will you — and make it a red one this time, please.'

'You've already eaten all the red ones.'

'Fine. Just give me any colour, as long as it's not yellow.'

Lluchmoor passed Pyrodæmon another sweet and the went back to admiring the amazing view he had from the passenger seat of the stolen tow truck, allowing Pyro to get on with contemplating how he was going to do this next one. It wasn't easy burning people alive and not getting caught, so he usually preferred to sedate them first. After all, just because he was planning something akin to world domination didn't mean he had to use inhumane methods to attain it. Besides, these were special people he was dealing with, and it didn't necessarily pay to give them a chance to duck out of the way and make a run for it — Pyrodæmon most definitely preferred working with stationary targets. He mulled this over and then bit the head off the small orange one that Lluchmoor had just handed him.

smiley - biro

John couldn't remember how long he had been falling through darkness. It probably hadn't been very long, but he had a rather short attention span and so all he could assume was that it was more a matter of minutes than hours or days. He found it strange how he was falling at a steady speed, yet there was no wind passing him by and the scenery wasn't changing much at all. He started to feel quite ill and decided that this wasn't the sort of place he would be visiting again anytime soon. Just as John was getting really bored and began to wish that something would happen, a flat-looking object began to appear directly below him and started to get closer and closer at a rather unnerving rate.

smiley - biro

Emily had no idea where she was. She didn't recognise the cold, hard ground she was standing on and she couldn't see anything for miles. There was nothing except for a few patches of bluey-greeny grass, which she quickly realised was made of something remarkably similar to plastic. Just as she was beginning to wonder what had happened to John, a loud thump announced the fact that he had collided with the ground just behind her.

smiley - biro

The Grand Controller noticed a little light flashing amongst all the little indicators and controls which were spread across her desk in such a manner as to suggest that the person who built the desk had decided that it didn't really matter where any of the bits and bobs went as nobody was ever going to use them and besides he wasn't paid enough to do a proper job of it. She wondered for a second what is was and got up to check the microwave, but upon finding there was nothing in it she lost interest and went back to making up answers to fit the daily crossword. She was especially stuck on nine down: Rural town situated south of Poole on the Dorset coastline (7).

smiley - biro

As John clambered to his feet, he realised that he was completely unharmed and that Emily was looking at him as if he were somewhat mad. John reasoned that this was probably because he was in actual fact quite insane and that this was just a horrible nightmare, and then turned to face the Grand Controller, who had just appeared out of thin air and was blocking John's view of the absolute nothingness which he was yet to notice and be perplexed by. Yep, it was definitely a nightmare.

'Hi there. The real Grand Controller is busy right now and therefore can't be here to give you your briefing, so you've got me instead. Any questions before we begin?'

'Yes. You don't suppose you could just run through where, who, how and why for me, could you?' asked Emily.

'Quite. I see the Grand Controller has obviously not explained any of this to you — I had a feeling she'd be too lazy to bother... For starters, this is a basic virtual world which has been used to contain your secret documents, as a safeguard in case the package fell into the wrong hands.'

'So we're standing somewhere that doesn't really exist? That's impossible.'

'I daresay you haven't had much practice. And if you can't cope with that idea, then I may as well just give you the briefing and let you get on with it. Honestly, I thought the GC would at least send someone with an open mind...'

'Try us.'

'Right then. I am a virtual representation of the Grand Controller of RSPS and you are standing inside an envelope which cost nearly seven billion pounds of research and development. You got here by activating the envelope and you're here because I need to give you both your briefings on the mission. Does that all make sense, or am I just talking to myself? Oh, never mind — follow me...'

Both feeling rather bemused, they began to follow the Grand Controller, who was now busy trying to find the right key to unlock a door which had appeared out of empty space while no-one was looking. Emily gave John a mildly inquisitive look as if to ask what on earth was going on, but John quickly replied with an even more inquisitive look in the hopes that he wouldn't have to answer any difficult questions. They both looked back to notice that the door had now been opened and they were being beckoned through into a large green room. They followed her inside to see that the room contained nothing but a large painting of HRH Queen Elizabeth II, which sat on the wall behind a small desk. The Grand Controller took a sip from a convenient glass of water, which she placed on the desk, then began:

'We have a problem, ladies and gentlemen. One of our swans is missing.'

Emily heard a thump and looked round to see that John had fainted. The Grand Controller rolled her eyes and sat down, deciding it would be more worth her while to have a go at a crossword puzzle which had just appeared on the desk.

On the Subject of Pie Archive

AlexAshman

07.12.06 Front Page

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