I've noticed a few people recently who have had a bad time at funerals. The pastor/minister knew nothing of the deceased. They used the time available, with a captive audience, to frighten them to death with stories of sin, death and eternal damnation.

Now, I find that a little unfair for people who, generally speaking, have avoided religious establishments like the plague for most of their lives.

So, in order to give people a bit of a chance of reducing the pain suffered by their loved ones (who have to attend such an enterprise) I thought that I would write this so that you can add what you would like to happen at your funeral or rememberance service.

I cannot guarantee that your wishes will be carried out as I'm not sure whether an entry on H2G2 counts as officially part of your last will and testament - but who knows?

Of course if you would like to mention what you want on your tombstone/memorial plaque/dedicated bird bath or whatever then please feel free.

I believe Clement Freud (ex-politician, radio and TV personality and chef) wants "Best before" followed by the date of his death.

What do I want? Well nothing fancy, just a small gathering of close friends (2 or 3000, say) in a small chapel (if St Peter's isn't available) with a small choir (combined south Wales colliery choirs would do). The address should be by someone respectful (Dame Edna Everidge) or who knows me well (preferably not my bookie).

What I would especially like someone to say is, "Look, he's moving!"

Flowers would be welcome but donations to the Keep Vestboy's Remains Cryogenically Fresh Until We Can Bring Him Back To Life fund would be more welcome.

I won't then be buried but will be frozen solid and have an expert ice carver turn the block into a permanent ice sculpture of someone with bigger muscles and a smaller waist.

And on the plaque something throw-away like "His modesty made us cry"

This is not fixed in stone and I may change this as I get closer to my death.