h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Knife - A14465739
Author: Xantief - U1434608


Something in the Hallowe'en spirit.

erm, that's almost a bit much to read through for me. Even on a Halloween.

Some very clear, and gruesome, and 'don't want to look' images shared - thoroughly ing.

You know ... I wonder if the reader couldn't be left to do a bit more of their own work, see more of it for themselves... it would be intriguing to see if it could work without the entire second section.

All the clues are there in the first bit. With that and the cops' later visit plus the two nicely understated last sections, I reckon you could get the reader to see most of what's in the second section with just a couple of pointers to suggest the dark and some foundry detail.

There's as high a level of horror in the tongue bit as in the detail later in the second bit so you wouldn't lose on that score.



One thing relating to the first section - I found the cop's opening question sat oddly as something said to someone covered in wounds. I went back to reread and decided he'd asked before actually seeing the wounds. Might be an idea to make the sequence of events clearer at that point?

Thanks (I think ) for the read.
Waz (ed out)

Same lines as Waz, but I'd go further.
IMO, you won't have finished this piece until you pare it down.
Anybody can write schlock.
The hard part of horror-writing is making your reader think what he doesn't want to think.
Here you haven't tried to do that. You've just shouted nasty things at him.
You can make this much better, because you can write. Hope you try.

Thanks for enduring this one, Waz. It took me two or three days to shake the mood after finishing it.

I understand your point concerning the second section, and I almost agree...but I tried to convey [not too clumsily, I hope] the boy's total thraldom to the knife, and the curious ghostly habit of remaining at the deathplace. The terminal masochism of the unnamed narrator, and 'suicide' as an enthusiastic artistic expression, as well...

I'm gratified that you noted the incongruity of the opening. I questioned it myself, but let it remain, as it seems to nudge the imagination into 'oddball territory' at the outset.

Thanks again!

Pin, thanks to you as well, but I'll have to figure out what you mean.

The second section is now modified...

It's very difficult to tell on a second read how a piece would strike you first time round, but I think this revised version has a lot more impact, I really do. To be sure, I'd have to leave it a few days and read it again.

What do you think yourself? You've cut a lot out, not easy to do.

Oddball territory really kicks in with "Enjoying the day." That's class. Up till then the brain going 'What's going on here', then with that it's 'uh oh!' The thraldom's there in the licking the blade and the engaging smile. The artistic expression kicked home with a chill in "But I'm so glad the cops appreciated our sculpture."

I'll read it again in a few days bearing in mind all of what you said you wanted to convey.

Now I'm off to find something fluffy to read before bedtime
Waz