In Other Words

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In Other Words by Amy the Ant

Well, I don't know about you, but when I think of October 16th, the first thing that comes to mind is World Food Day, naturally.

I wake up and think, 'It's World Food Day! Why, I think I'll take time out of my busy schedule to honour food by eating some!' Then I keep my promise by downing a rather large plate of bacon. The only thing World Food Day is lacking would be a classic drama that high schools all over the world could perform to honour the special occasion. So I, being the die-hard food lover I am, wrote one. Set in some kitchen somewhere, this takes on a Shakespearean tone. Please note that my Old English SUCKS, so my pre-emptive apologies to you.


(A Kitchen, noon)

TOMATO: Oh! Where doth thou be-est, my sweet lettuce? Thy leaves are like petals of crunchy love and thy greenness be of air to me!

LETTUCE: Sweet T'mato, why doth thou temptest me so? Thou knowest my heart is of the dressings!


LETTUCE: *sigh* Yes! And if you tooketh my love, he would surely have your head!

TOMATO: Fear not! I would risk boiling, dicing, blending, and sautéing if it meant I could share but one salad bowl with you!

(Carrot enters stage left)

CARROT: Sir Tomato! I bringeth news of the refridgerator. It seems the milk is going soureth.

TOMATO: Doth my ears decieve me? Curse you, Father Thyme! Your wicked games twist and toil and spoil one so pure as the milk! I pray her soul travels to the place of her predecessors, Sir Cottage Cheese, Madam Colby Jack, and Sir Strawberry Yogurt.

CARROT: That is not all, my liege. Ranch Dressing has sent word that he requesteth a duo with thou to win the heart of fair Miss Lettuce.

TOMATO: So be it! He may attack with his sweet tangy creaminess, but my cunning deception to fool many into thinking I am a vegetable when in fact I am actually a member of the fruit group will surely bring about his demise!

CARROT: Oh! Here enters the foe now! May your seeds be swift and juicyness prevail!

(Ranch Dressing enters up centre)

RANCH: So, we meet in battle, Tomaaaahto.

TOMATO:'s Tomato. Long A. And for that I will strike thee down!

RANCH: Do your worst! For you may say tomato, but I say Tomaaahto! MUAHAHAHA!

(Battle wages. Tomato Juice splatters, a tasty mix of herbs and creaminess fly about)

TOMATO: Oh! I have been struck! Oh what cruelness! *cough cough* Ranch! You must know... *hack*... thy mother, the fair Miss Marinara Sauce, was *cough* my mother as well!! *die*

RANCH: Oh! What hath I done? Brothah! Sweet Brothah! How will I live with myself? I cannot! I cannot! *Leaps off the counter with a sickening crunch*

LETTUCE: Oh! My heart and my secret love, both DEAD! I shan't live ne'er more! *Leaps off counter to a dull thud*

CARROT: *looks about in a confused manner* um... er... *sniff sniff* Oh! I haveth a COLD!! What cruel fate! Surely I deserve to live no longer with this devilish and temporary virus! *Leaps off counter to gross crackle and breaking sounds*

Where's my Tony? Anybody? This is a sure hit. I just hope no one mistakes it for an actual work by the ol' Will Shakespeare himself, because I'd like all the credit, thank you very much. Enjoy World Food Day - and remember, six to eleven carbs a day!

Your Little h2g2'er,

Darth Zaphodsmiley - planet

In Other Words

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