In Other Words

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In Other Words by Amy the Ant

As I was sitting in my room pondering what I should do with my life, I made an important decision. I'm going to run for Governor of
California!

Why? Because they don't have enough Candidates! How many are there, 200 bazillion? Surely they can squeeze one more completely unqualified person onto the ballot. For those of you who don't know what I'm referring to, the state of California in the US of A is in the process of having a recall election to have current Governor Gray Davis removed from office, giving all the raving yahoos in the state a chance to play politics!

So here's my plan: I parade around California giving away free licorice (I hear Californians love their licorice) with my campaign slogan: 'Schwartzenegger's on steroids and I'm taller than Gary Coleman; vote DZ!' And yes, I will use my alter-ego's name, Darth Zaphod, because I bet that adult film star that's in the running uses her other name... like Sally Vixen or Suzie Licks-a-lot. Perhaps my stunning good looks and charm will take some votes away from the sumo wrestler, who's slogan is 'I'm gonna push you out of my ring of victory: Vote Chubby!' What can I say? He's not very clever.

Ya know, I'll probably win anyway. Everyone over the age of 55 is too scared to live in California anyway, either because of the crime rate, the threat of the entire state falling into the Pacific Ocean with the next major earthquake, or Hollywood. So I'll have the younger crowd to woo over.

My Political Advisor will be Spongebob Squarepants, because he's cute, loveable, and makes up for my lack of either of these qualities.

I think I'll also throw out some pencils. They'll say: 'We don't need no steenking hanging chad! DZ's a sure winner!' And the people will love that, because California is desperately short on pencils and cliche one-liners making fun of the 2000 election in Florida. Californians will give me their babies to kiss, their pets to baptize, and their first born to be sacrificed to the Sun God. I'll be hailed as the quirkiest, most zany gubernatorial candidate EVER! (After about one hundred of the other candidates.)

QUICK! Write to your senators!

'DZ would make a great Governor.'

'Why?' They'll ask

'Because DZ can read, she can cook scrambled eggs, and she can type an average of 85 words a minute!'

'WOW!' they'll say, 'DZ's amazing! Let's put her in office
right now!'

It's perfect! I can't have any affairs because I can't legally be
married in the first place, I can't be involved in any conspiracies because I don't have enough friends, and there's no way I could be assassinated because I'll be using Spongebob as my bulletproof vest1! When I asked a highly reliable source - my mom - what she thought about my decision, she stated, 'Who are you? Get out of my house.' Wise words from a wise woman.

Well, I need to go colour my campaign signs with my washable markers and chunky-style crayons. If you're an eligible 18-year-old Californian, vote DZ! Brains not necessary!

Your Little h2g2'er,

Darth Zaphodsmiley - planet

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1That is of course assuming Spongebob is bulletproof...

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