A Conversation for The Shang Dynasty

Peer Review: A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 1

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

Entry: The Shang Dynasty - A1160245
Author: Researcher 239363 - U239363

Hi I think this is pretty good, and well reasearched, tell me what you think!


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 2

Z

Me too! this is a good entry. There are a few things you coul do to improve the readability of it, such as dividing it up into sections and adding sub headers.

Well done though smiley - biggrin

Ps, why not click on preferences then you can change your name to something more memorable than a number.


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 3

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

Is this the kind of thing that you had in mind?


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 4

Z

Perfect smiley - biggrin this is a brilliant entry, I found it really interesting to read as well. All the changes that are suggested are mere minor nitpicks... There's a couple of typos, would you mind running it through a spell checker.smiley - grovel

(and go on become something other than a number smiley - winkeye


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 5

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

Are you sure that the "typos' aren't just the American spelling?

(I'll change from a number when i can think of something better)


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 6

Z

smiley - erm well not being a very good speller myself! I wouldn't no, i thought that defense was a typo but that may be the american spelling. I think you've put privit somewhere where it should be private, then again I may be wrong.

I'm sorry for nitpicking, as it stands this entry is excellent as it is... any the sub editor could easily run through a spell checker for you.

smiley - ok


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 7

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

I don't think that i wrote privit anywhere...... oh well, maybe i did.
"defense" is how i learned to spell it and i'm pretty sure that that's how i wrote it. smiley - smiley


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 8

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

It's alright if you want to "nit pick" more, the better edited it is the less work the editors will have to do!


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 9

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

Will someone else please look at this? A little more feed back would be very much apprecialted! smiley - smiley


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 10

There is only one thing worse than being Gosho, and that is not being Gosho

I've had a quick read-through and I like it smiley - ok I'm no scholar of ancient Chinese history so I couldn't advise you on the content, but I can help you with the readability of your entry and when I've got more time (have to go to work soon) I'll give it the attention it deserves.

smiley - geeksmiley - online2longsmiley - stiffdrinksmiley - hangoversmiley - ok
Scout


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 11

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

alright, thank you


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 12

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

In the meantime would anybody else please read this?


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 13

Zarquon's Singing Fish!

smiley - cheerupHad a quick skim. I'll read it again when I get back from work!

smiley - fishsmiley - musicalnote


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 14

There is only one thing worse than being Gosho, and that is not being Gosho

I'm sorry Researcher, I tried posting here twice yesterday - on the first occasion the site was down, and on the second it went down while I was composing my post, which vanished when I hit the 'Post Message' button smiley - grr

I'll try to remember what I wrote (which was quite lengthy - this time I'll make sure I copy it before posting smiley - cross), and get back here later today ::SIGH::

smiley - geeksmiley - online2longsmiley - stiffdrinksmiley - hangoversmiley - ok
Scout


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 15

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

Thanks very much for at least trying to write me something! smiley - smiley Computers are very strange, and possibly telepathic, they read your thoughts and decide to make things crash exactly when you least want them to.


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 16

There is only one thing worse than being Gosho, and that is not being Gosho

Ok, as best as I can remember it went something like this:

"The Shang Dynasty was the first known civilization..."
Hmmm... what makes a civilisation a civilisation? Isn't a dynasty a form of organisation or government by the same family over a number of generations? Was there no civilisation in China beforehand? What exactly are we talking about here - a civilisation or a dynasty? I'd imagine that a group of people might already have reached a certain level of civilisation before a dynasty took control, unless a warlord expanded his territory and oversaw a group of people who, in more certain times developed a civilisation.

That's a bit rambling and long-winded... did it make any sense to you?

Why, when there is no evidence of the Xia Dynasty's existence, is it 'probable' that it came before the Shang Dynasty. If we don't have any physical evidence, perhaps it should only be a 'possible'.

"...making the Shang Dynasty the first oriental civilization"
Since that was already said in the first sentence, one of those two mentions is probably redundant.

"The Shang Dynasty was made up of about ten cities, eight of which were located along the Yellow River, while the other two were along the Yangtze"
The word 'about' suggests uncertainty, which isn't mirrored in the second part of the sentence. If eight were located in one place and two in another, then there definitely *were* ten cities. If there were *about* ten cities, then you could say that most of them were along one river whilst the rest were on another.

What's the difference between a pictogram and an ideogram?

"Shang kings had red-hot bronze pokers stuck into bones..."
That might read better as 'Shang kings had fortune-tellers plunge red-hot bronze pokers into bones...'

From the section about government:
"in the Shang Dynasty’s case, 550 years. The king would rule over 200 to 300 clans, which were located throughout what is now the Henan province of China"
It's already been mentioned in the opening section that the dynasty lasted 550 years and that it was in Henan, so you don't need to repeat those facts here. However, I'd take out the reference to '550 years' in the opening paragraph because you give the dates of the dynasty there, then you can leave that reference in the text here.

"The Shang Dynasty was a monarchy, where the king ruled by force, so anyone that did something wrong would be killed immediately by the king’s soldiers."
Anyone who did something against the King's laws or that displeased him perhaps? How does this look to you: 'The Shang Dynasty was a monarchy in which the King was both lawmaker and judge. He ruled by force, and anyone who transgressed the King's law could be killed immediately by his soldiers.'

"...a bit like dukes and duchesses'
Maybe more like Barons? Duchesses aren't much known for taking care of those kinds of affairs.

"jade is a seven on the hardness scale"
Which hardness scale?

That's as far as I've got time for tonight.

Don't feel that I'm being over-critical. The point of Peer Review is that an entry should be virtually ready for the Front Page when it leaves PR, giving the Sub-editor little or no work to do on it apart from a few finishing touches. Your entry has a lot of potential to make the Front Page, but you will need to do some tuning up before it gets there.

Jeez, I hope h2g2 is still there when I post this

smiley - geeksmiley - online2longsmiley - stiffdrinksmiley - hangoversmiley - ok
Scout


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 17

Zarquon's Singing Fish!

I saw a lovely typo which really made me smile.

Privet Ownership > Pivate ownership (unless you want to talk about ownership of bushessmiley - laugh)

I think it would be neat to say something about the dynasty which came before, why this dynasty failed and what came after. Needs only a couple of sentences for the before and after.

smiley - fishsmiley - musicalnote


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 18

Researcher PSG

Hello

Here is where I get to be a smart alec.

According to my "Rough Guide Chronicle of China" c.1580 BC is the probable date of the inception of the Shang Dynasty. Apparently also the Xia are mentioned in the Shiji (written by a chap called Sima Qian) the first of the 26 histories of China (but as far as I know it was just to state they where thrown out by the Shang, who where then thrown out by the Zhou).

Researcher PSG


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 19

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

Wow thanks Gosho! That's really helpful, I'll let you know when I'm done editing....... smiley - smiley


A1160245 - The Shang Dynasty

Post 20

Researcher 239363, (Mandy)

Okay I think I'm done........


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