h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: Fresher's Week - A1118594
Author: Rhubarb - U171478

I thought this might be able to reassure/scare all the people who are starting uni next year. In as nice a way as possible, of course.

dont forget the sex. surely there should be tips on that: dont have sex with someone you are going to be living opposite to next year. dont have sex with anyone too skanky looking, no matter what the booze tells you to do, etc etc

Are you still working on this?

You need more of a mention of Freshers' Flu - I spent the whole of Freshers' Week in bed suffering from the most horrible symptoms... but it seems to have got it out of the system cos I'm normally ill all the time but last year I only caught a couple of bugs!

Yes - will add something about Freshers flu (thanks) and something about the sex - although not really sure where to start with that one...

My tip for all the queues in Freshers Week is to carry a pack of cards with you (or better still, Top Trumps!) - it helps to while away the time quite happily.

As for Fresher's Flu, well, if you get people coming together to live in close proximity bringing their own little bacteria from all over the country, it's inevitable, isn't it? Take vitamin supplements and lots of them is my advice... helps with the hangovers and poor diet too!

It's known in some quarters as 'F*** a Fresher Week' which you probably couldn't get away with in the Edited Guide, but possibly 'Fornicate with a Fresher' might suffice... There's a very interesting phenomenon going on here because for the geekier male members of the second and third years, Fresher's Week is often their first opportunity to get a shag since they wised up to the general principles of at least trying to look good. This is because innocent female freshers are the first new influx of girls who don't know just how geeky these guys looked when they arrived in their first year, which explains why everyone who DID know wouldn't touch them with a bargepole...

Have you said you need about 50 passport photos with you in freshers week, cos *everything* you are likely to join needs about 5...

Oh, and don't sign up to anything in your first week, you'll end up not going to half the clubs!

I think this needs a more formal tone to get into the edited guide, but the idea is a very very very good one. You need to focus more on who your audience is (presumably potential freshers) and work out if this is for useful info, like passport photos or fresher's flu, or warnings about the debauchery, or 'how to make friends during fresher's week'.
Possibly you could combine all three, in spearate parts (headers come in useful here).

If you do that you'll need an intro, something along the lines of 'Fresher's Week is traditionally the first week of the first term of the University year, which is free of lectures in order to allow new students ('Freshers') the opportunity to get settled in, make some friends, and take care of the inevitable paperwork. This guide to Freshe'rs week will explain to you what sort of 'bonding activities' to ecpect (the alcohol), ways in which you should be prepared(passport photos), and how to make the most of it(everything else).'

Sorry, got a bit carried away there. Feel free to ignore me, or I'll contribute if you want me.

Are you still working on this one, Rhubarb? Now might be an apposite time to try and get it finished...

Bit late for that, n'est-ce pas?

Oui. Is Rhubarb still around?

*looks slightly shame-faced*

I am now around, although sort of forgot this place existed for a while. Whoops. And am now not entirely sure how helpful an entry on how to get through Fresher's week will now be, on account of it having passed. Er. However if you want to contribute catwoman please feel free!

It'll still be very useful, as your entry will be here for years to come, and Freshers' Week comes every year!

Due to having attended a brace of universities, I've "enjoyed" Fresher's Week not once but twice. Here are the fruits of my experience:

1. It is a truism that you will spend the whole of Fresher's Week getting to know people, and the rest of your time at university trying to get rid of them. Relax safe in this knowledge. You will meet people like yourself, just don't expect to do so straight away.

2. Print 500 cards saying:

"My name is......., I am from .........., I did ...... and ...... and ....... for A level and got a ..... and a ..... and an ......, I'm studying ...... and I live in ..... hall. Now F**K OFF!"

Print another 500 cards saying:

"My name is......., I am from .........., I did ...... and ...... and ....... for A level and got a ..... and a ..... and an ......, I'm studying ...... and I live in ..... hall. Fancy a pint?"

Obviously which card you give depends on whether the person looks like Cameron off Big Brother or Cameron Diaz.

Over the course of a week you will save approximately eight hours drinking time by not having to repeat this stuff over and over and over again to every single person you meet.

3. Do not madly join everything in sight at the Freshers' Fair. I was treasurer of the windsurfing club at my last place, and we set up a great stall with a board all rigged up and a TV showing videos of bronzed Adonises ripping up the waves in Hawaii. We convinced more than a few freshers to sign up on this basis. Only AFTER we'd got their money did it dawn on them that being a member in reality meant trekking out to some Bod-forsaken reservoir in the Pennines to freeze our nuts off every Wednesday afternoon while floating round on the cheapest most useless outdated kit imaginable and wearing fourth hand wetsuits that didn't fit.

4. DO join the club if you're already good at something, but also make sure you join something you've never tried before. For rugby players - join the league club. They tend to be more concentrated on actually playing and less on getting their knackers out in pubs. Of course, you might actually be more interested in getting your knackers out in pubs, in which case you don't even necessarily need to be able to play rugby at all...

There are usually plenty of weird things you can learn at uni which you'll likely never get to learn again so easily. This includes martial arts, circus skills (juggling, fire eating, unicycling etc.), DJing (both club and radio), roadieing and obscure sports such as fencing or rock climbing. If you're up for it and have the eyesight, the RAF may even teach you to fly a plane for free, something that will NEVER be as cheap for you again. Join ONE and stick with it for at least a year - club-hopping is too expensive, usually.

5. Loads of passport photos, taken BEFORE you get your hair cut/shaved/coloured/beaded/dreadlocked, before you get your face painted/pierced/tattooed/bearded, and before you dump the contacts for a coloured pair or some John Lennon specs.

6. Do not arrive at uni with a predetermined nickname. Nothing screams "saddo" quite like introducing yourself as "Dave the rave". On the other hand, don't be afraid to reinvent yourself a bit, but BE YOURSELF. If you try to project an incongruent persona, people will see straight through it. All you should project is you - just perhaps facets of yourself which weren't quite so obvious back home at school. This is your biggest chance to change how people (your parents and "home" friends included) see you, so consider it.

7. If you get the chance of a s**g during Freshers' Week - TAKE IT. Even if your partner is a serious munter, the embarrassment lasts a week but the story is a good one and lasts the rest of your life.

8. Be on your guard. Newly away from home students are an emotionally fragile lot, often slightly frightened and desperate for a bit of comfort in an uncertain environment. There are people who prey on the vulnerable because they know they can exploit them, and they know Freshers are ideal fodder. Therefore, be EXTREMELY wary of:

(a) drug dealers
(b) pension and life insurance salesmen, and by far the worst of the lot,
(c) Christians.

DO NOT under any circumstances allow yourself to be duped by any of these unconscionable charlatans. They are NOT your new best friends. They can all ruin your life. Steer clear of them until at least the second term, when you'll be in a position to make informed judgements about things.

9. Go to see every single band the Ents committee have booked. They will usually be a mix of tribute bands (excellent fun), out-of-retirement oldies (nostalgiatastic, even when you're 18), or unknowns up-and-comings. The latter are a lottery, but there's always the chance that ten years down the line you'll be able to casually drop into conversation that you did the equivalent of seeing U2 in an audience of 70 in a sweaty pub somewhere before they were famous.

10. If you never get up early for anything ever again for as long as you live, get up early for registration day and get in the queue early. Both unis I went to I'd registered by 0905 and had the rest of the day to myself, while some people I knew rolled out of their pits about 1000, started queuing at 1100, and were still there at 1700 when the office shut and they had to come back the next day. What a waste!

More if I can think of any...

H.

Don't join anything at a freshers fair. Take that opportunity to collect leaflets and information about clubs/societies you might want to join, and then decide what to join once you know how much free time you will have.

Don't join anything at the Freshere's fair that requires money on the spot. Do join email lists and take leaflets, you can always get rid of them.

Christians aren't a problem per se, and that sentence wouldn't get past moderation. Be wary of anyone who is overly pushy with their religion, and turn that into a snappier phrase.

Hey rhubarb, you going to add the comments above?
Oberon2001

Yes! May censor them slightly (*coughChristianscough*). Just when I get round to it. Maybe somtime at the end of next week ('reading week' in which we are, I think, supposed to read...)

Ha!

Also perhaps to be added: DO go to all the meetings etc. which look terribly dull. They are terribly dull, but it makes life a lot easier if you've been to the department meeting, the waffle from the master of your college/hall, the library tour etc. If you do miss them, the extra hour of sleep/drinking you've gained will be outweighed by many hours of running around trying to find things out later on.

David

Or take my road around fresher's week!

Go to Warwick University. You're told not to call them about your accomodation status, so you don't, and you get there knowing that you're guaranteed a place in halls in your first year. Get told that they lied by someone who implies that you brought this upon yourself, and speaks to you in a tone which demonstrates that your situation (being without a home) is nothing compared to their plight, getting paid by the hour to hand out keys to students. Spend your fresher's week close to tears as you search madly for a house, hauling tons of luggage around with you, paying for a hotel room and finally get a place three+ miles away from the University. You will be unable to get a student account because your University card and a collection of official letters from the University are apparently insufficient evidence that you are a student. It is assumed that you are dyspraxic and have all the sense of direction of a deaf bat, so you get lost repeatedly looking for the way back, or even just trying to find a bus stop. Start your course confident in the knowledge that everyone else has already been partying in their halls together, while you know no one at all. You will not have had the time to join any societies or socialise, so you don't have to spend the rest of your year recklessly trying to lose aquaintances or attending socials. Luckily, you won't have a computer (your single parent lives on benefits), so you won't waste time running home for meals between lectures and coursework.

The point? Warwick: just say 'no'.

- Jordan