United Nations International Day of Being Very
Today is the United Nations International Day of Being Very Serious. Therefore, in order to respect and pay humble tribute to this very auspicious occasion, I shall retain an air of gravitas that is perhaps unusual for the proceedings of the routine grunt. Though I
write in hope, trusted reader, that you will bear with me on this most earnest and austere of days. We all need to do our bit here. We all need to pull together in the name of meditative, no-nonsense, poker-faced sobriety. I am duty bound, therefore, to inform you that there
will be no jokes here today. Not even a little one.
So, what kind of sober and business-like events can we expect to find occurring all over the globe on this most important occasion? Well, U2's Bono has scribbled a hurried note down on a napkin and sent it to the Pope. According to sources close to the papal envoy the
note congratulates the Pope on being one of the most serious people in the world. And Bono adds that he admires the Pope so much for being so serious, despite the fact that he goes trundling around everywhere in a particularly ridiculous looking plastic car.1 So, 'Bravo for Bono!' say I,
and 'Bravo for the Pope!' - two flag carriers for steady, thoughtful and unsmiling behaviour in a world beset by mad insane flurbling clowns.
And, of course, those two completely humourless lads from that popular beat-combo Oasis have penned a song for the occasion. I can exclusively reveal some of the lyrics here. It goes:
'I wonder if I think if I believe if I went over there and came back again yesterday. But I am me and me and not you and you are you and standing over there where I was the day before. I think. But I'm not sure. What was I saying again? Walrus.'
Now, that's brilliant. Another piece of serious genius from those two mop-topped liverpudlians. Kofi Annan must be doing cartwheels at the very thought of it. Though not today, of course. No matter how tempted he is to do one today, he will just grip his hands tight together and bang his head off a vase of flowers until he sees sense again. I certainly hope he will, anyway, since he is a beacon to millions, and you don't want to set a bad example when you are one of those.
And of course, the non-festivities don't end there. Universally popular comedian and amateur detective Cliff Richard has offered to have himself locked up for the day. This funereal, genuine and grave offer has had an overwhelming positive response from people all
over the world. The leader of the Chelmsford Town Women's Society offered to lock him up ' for the whole year if he wants '. Though she made this offer yesterday, of course, for if she had made it today she clearly risked an outbreak of unwarranted mirth, which may well have landed her in jail herself. You can't be to careful these days.
In a manner of speaking it is unfortunate indeed that I am writing this today and not yesterday. For yesterday was, as I am sure you all know, International UNESCO day of Balloon Animals, and people could be as funny as they liked. Even Tony Blair's wife was forced to choke back a laugh when he presented her with his weirdly distorted sausage dog
in front of some admiring party members in Birmingham.
I might also take this opportunity to add my weighty suggestion of regret that I could not be writing this tomorrow. For tomorrow is 'International Remember that Squirrels Have Feelings Too Day'. Rolf Harris will be setting off on a round the world trip dressed as a
squirrel, in order to remind people that there are such animals and that we ignore them at our peril. Also, and with boundless generosity, Rolf has re-written his famous song 'Two Little Boys'. It is now called 'One Little Boy, Because the Other One Was Eaten, Because He Ignored A Squirrel'. Gets the point across rather well, I think.
To conclude this arduous, dangerous, deep, difficult, far-reaching, fateful, formidable, grave, grievous, grim, hard, heavy, important, laborious, major, meaningful, menacing, momentous, no joke, of consequence, operose, pressing, severe, significant, smoking, sobering, strenuous, strictly business, threatening, tough, ugly, unamusing, unhumorous, urgent, weighty and worrying grunt, I would like to go 'globble globble globble'.