h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I made all my good friends at school or college (left school 12 years ago!)

Almost without exception any friendships i have made since then have been shortlived. I can't seem to make it past one year now, no matter how well i get on with a new friend initially.

Speaking of which, another friendship which nearly made it's one year anniversary has just gone missing, presumed dead

It's probably my fault in most cases, but still, i would hate to think that i will never make anymore life-friends. Trouble is, it's all such a balancing act; Try too hard to keep a friendship strong by trying to do lots of stuff together, and you risk scaring them off... be too laid back about doing stuff- never get around to arranging get-togethers, and the new found friend will drift away... it's so darned hard to strike the right balance

It all seemed so much easier and natural years ago.....

Are you still friends with the people from school?

I think the difficulty after school is that people move around more than they used to, changing jobs, home and even leisure activities. That makes it hard to maintain contact when the aspects of life that you had in common have lapsed.

I'm bad at keeping in touch with friends once our paths have diverged. My closest friends are those I made locally when our children were young together and I think we have been friends long enough now to sustain a geographic separation.

Funnily we were actually talking about friendships recently, how some people are in a group of couples who sociaslise together, whereas others are individuals (generally mainly same gender) in overlapping social groupings. Two of us admitted to each other that we had a lack of confidence with new friends - being afraid to invite them round in case they didn't want to come.

I know just what you mean about the difficulty in striking a balance keeping a relationship going.

I have very little contact with my former school contemporaries. I've found that it's much easier as an older person [creaking joints of 41] to talk confidently to all age groups, thereby making friends that I'd have totally ignored as out of my range 25-30 years ago. Swapping 'horror' stories about children and their habits is often a good way in to the chat, and you can have self-sustaining mutual support groups that turn onto long-term friendship.

Perhaps I'm just desparate to make as many friends as possible before I die as I started to acquire them very slowly - was quite a loner at school....

I know what you are talking about, there aren't left any friends from schooltimes or university, somehow contact stopped after a certain time. I moved to another city during my studies and I really tried to get in touch with to my fellow students, even tried the english theatre workshop, but it didn't work out, they were "rich" and I had to work to earn money and was much more serious. I think, I just have to accept that I'm not the "party"-type, I never belonged to a clique , even not in my childhood, but never mind,since I've got children, I've found some dear friends, I don't need soo many.

Hi teasswill,

Yes most of the friends i made at school are still very good friends now. But my 'newest' friend who has actually remained so, i met at college over 10 years ago and believe me it's been a struggle to hold onto her- many fall outs...

I have, of course, in the intervening period made many friends but as i said i've also lost them pretty quickly as well- usually within a year of meeting them

No, i don't have a problem making new friends, just hanging onto them... and yes i do wear deoderant

As much as i enjoy the company of my original set of friends, i do however, long to have some new permanent fixtures in my life. I certainly have many 'aquaintances' ,but as i stated on a sister thread to this one, i need 'one to one' friendships-- if i only ever see people in groups down the pub, or only communicate by text and email with them, then i'm afraid i simply don't define that as a proper friendship. I need to actually see the person and do stuff with them(oo-er missus).

I reckon quite a lot of us are like that.

I think also as you get older you are less trusting and so its harder to make new friends. I had a close circle of friends at school, although I'm only still in touch with one of them, but when I read my diaries from that time we actually treated each other pretty badly - if I had friends who did that to me now I'd probably not bother keeping in touch - at school you have to because you see them every day. At Uni I had loads of friends, who I felt incredibly close to, but once we'd all finished studying we moved on and lost touch.

I really miss having close female friends. I know other moms who I exchange childbearing and rearing stories with, but no one to go shopping with or phone in a crisis for a chat. I think it arose when I moved after Uni, suddenly I was a strange city with no money for socialising. I have no idea now how I would make new friends, other than people I meet at work or toddler groups, who are pleasant people but may not share my interests. What could I do?

My best friends don't share many of my interests, but we have enough in common to enjoy each other's company & support each other in times of need. In a way, I have different friends who fulfil different roles, although these overlap to some extent. I actually prefer shopping on my own! Unfortunately hubby & I don't seem to have many tastes in common, so there are some things I rarely do, or do on my own or with less close friends, for lack of suitable company

You may find when you get to know better the people you are in regular contact with, that some of them do become good friends, even if you can't share all your activities with them.

With computers and cloning and enough shiny new lab equipment, it should be much easier to make new friends.

I've found it harder to make new friends as I've gotten older, but I never was one to have a wide circle of friends. I have a few friends still from school, most of them I talk to only a couple of times a year - sometimes not even that often - but I figure the fact that we still consider each other friends must count for something.

Since school though I've made only very few friends, and all of them from places I've worked. I've been at my current position for 4 years and made 1 good friend in that time, the job I held prior to this was for 3 years and there are 2 people that I still talk to intermittently from there. I've lived in my house for 5 1/2 years and I still only know the names of 2 neighbours and wouldn't necessarily call them friends even though our children play together nearly every day.

While I know it's true that I don't trust other people as much as I used to and I'm a lot more judgemental (which bothers me a lot but I try to overcome it), I believe there are two primary reasons for it being harder to make friends now:

I don't come into contact with as many people as I used to. Simply put, there are less people in my office that there were at school. I also don't get out to meet as many of them because the majority of my day is spent at my desk, not moving around the building from place to place (like going from class to class).

And my self-esteem has slipped somewhat as my physical well-being is declining. In other words, most of the time I'm pretty well convinced that no one would want to get to know me anyway so I don't waste a lot of time coming to inevitable rejection. I feel awkward when meeting new people and downright uncomfortable when in a group.

But...

While somewhat intimidated at first I've found it much easier to make friends online, and I've made easily as many good friends here on h2g2 in the past few years as I've made IRL over the past few decades. This is because in an online world I don't have the perceived physical barriers that I do offline. Here I am judged purely on the merits of the person I am, not the person I look like. It's very liberating

A few people have made that comment about how most people just dont get the oportunity to meet as many folk now, as they did at school.

It's very true- but ide never thought of that before- quite an obvious reason for making fewer friends as we get older i suppose...

There are some (annoying) people, however who do just seem to meet new friends every other week- gawd knows how, though i suppose if you're at Uni, or change jobs a lot it helps.

As for the on-line friends issue- well i'm afraid i have to disagree with what a lot of folk have said about that. For me there is no substitute for meeting people in the flesh. Typing to people on-line just doesn't come anywhere close to proper friendship i'm afraid. I really wish i was that easily satisfied, but no ,'fraid it just doesn't rock my boat.

I really do enjoy 'talking' to people on H2G2 but i could never call anyone i type to a friend. Certainly as a way to meet people eventually it's great- i myself made a friend IRL from someone i talked to here for a few months, but if it never became anything more than computer friendship i'm afraid my interest would eventually wain.
Given the chice between going out with some pals or sitting at home on H2... well there really isn't a contest! But as i don't have that many friends around at the moment, then this is a great way to prevent myself going mad... must talk to s-o-m-e-b-o-d-y-!!

Like ive said elsewhere, i define a friend(and i realise this is a personal thing and others will disagree) as a person you can meet, go out for a drink(or whatever) with, go places with, talk to 'one to one' both in person and on the phone, and just generally share experiences with.

On a similar vein- i've never really understood the attraction of pen-pals, i suppose what we're doing now is the modern equivilant. It's one thing writing or emailing someone because they have moved far away and it is now the only way to commumicate, but to deliberately set out to find someone who you never want to meet- just want to write to.. no i don't really get that i'm afraid.

I agree that what makes someone a friend is personal. To me a friend is someone I can confide in, who will be supportive of me and who I can be supportive of. Someone who I can turn to in times of need and who I can help when need arises. I think these opportunities manifest themselves in a number of different ways. While one-on-one is necessary in some circumstances, in others it's not; I've come to rely on phone calls and emails for support a number of times as my very best friend lives more than a thousand miles away and several of my other RL friends also live in different states (none of them in the same ones, either).

As for pen-pals I don't think the idea ever was to make friends, although that was certainly a result in some cases. I would say the two primary functions of pen pals were to learn about new places and to learn about writing letters. I wish pen pal programs were still part of school curriculi (is that a word?) because I think the art of letter-writing is being lost in the digital age. For instance when I was in school, our class became pen pals with a class in California. I remember asking my pen-pal (her name was Jackie) all about California because I'd never seen palm trees or the ocean. We exchanged letters for a little over 2 years even though the class project only lasted a few months. In contrast, my son's class this year for their project wrote letters to each other and mailed them home. Once. He learned how to write a letter on a form, he learned nothing about correspondence.

Not many of us know how to look after live stock or clean a cimeny anymore either but thats because we dont need to.

I used to be quite a shy person but the I found alcohol and things changed. At first it was dutch courage that made the difference but one day I just turned on the charm. I realised that all the popular people I knew were just people nothing more nothing less. Infact if anything they were people who were lonelier or suffered lonliness worse than others and got out there to make friends so that they didnt feel lonley. If they could be talkative garrolous and friendly so could I the only thing in my way was ME.

We are all the same we have the same feelings and emotions what varies is the intensity with wich they visit us. Other people are out there waiting to be our friends. We all want to be talked to and we all want to be heard.

Next time your standing at the supermarket checout speak to the person behind you. On the long dull train journey the person sitting opposite to you is just as bored as you and would probably love a conversation.

Hi Milos

I find it very hard to get started on-line. I think when you can see people it is easier to judge (not always correctly) if you will be friends.

As I am a golden girl I decided to take the plunge and reply to a few conversations. As someone else said nothing ventured nothing gained.

I am lucky with friends, but at times we are all on our own and it would be nice to have people I can have discussions with.

So if you feel like replying it would be nice to talk with you.

redorchid

Hello redorchid!

I remember when I first dabbled online, first in chat rooms (decidedly not my thing) and later here at h2g2, I was very slow to get involved. It took awhile to find my feet, but seven years later I'm still here and enjoying it immensely.

Over the years I've made several friends here, a handful of whom I've even been able to meet in person. I'm always happy to find new people to talk with.

It is definetly easier to make friends online as you don't see any negative reaction that you may fear.

When I was younger, fear of rejection probably stunted my social growth. These days I figure mostly that people who are rude or negative just aren't worth my time.

The nice thing about making friends online, though, is that there's rarely any cause to be rude or negative, so I don't have to ignore people as much as I do offline

It's a shame that a handful of sexual predators have given internet communications such a bad rap. The majority of people I've met here have been first rate