h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

or even attach

You had a ladder? You don't even know you were born.
I had to take all the veins and arteries out of my body, tie them together and lasso the moon with them, then climb to the moon with a full dustbin, just because my stepdad didn't want to pollute the planet with our household rubbish.

Ooh 'the moon' he says.

Our arteries were lassoed over the second nearest star and wouldn't be allowed to climb with our wet carboard bins until we'd burned ourselves till crispy.

We had to put our capillaries round a staR THAT'S SO FAR AWAY WE HAVEN'T DISCOVERED IT YET, AND THE ALIENS WERE CUTTING OUR CAPPILARIES AS WE UNRAVELLED THEM

Pah, I had to lassoo a distant star and haul it towards the earth so that people could have tropic holidays without leaving home. All I had for equipment was a shattered pencil, an eleastic band and a broken pair of binoculas.

Luxury!

I had to build an entire second solar system, atom by atom mind, using only an oven glove and a small screwdriver set from some crackers. Then I had to push it to a safe distance so it didn't cause a gravitational distrubance.

And I got paid one dead stoat if I was lucky

Researcher PSG

I dead stoat? I only got an earwig, and then it was put through a mangle first.

A mangle, you were lucky. My earwigs are always put through a papershredder before being barbequed by a mad arsonist on a petrol forecourt.

Researcher PSG

I had to shred the earwigs myself using a pencil eraser whilst being hung upside down by my feet from a low flying hellicopter.

I had to drop my earwigs into molten magma, then spoonfeed the entire magma flow to myself using only a small free plastic spoon, and if I didn't finish the entire volcano I was hung drawn and quartered in a buzzard sanctuary

Researcher PSG

A buzzard sancuary? I had to be quatered by monkey eagles, but I first had to save the monkey eagle from extiction, replanting its entire habitat using only said plastic spoon.

oh la de da. Replanting habitat, I had to redesign the entire ecosystem to promote Monkey Eagles, Squirrel Sparrows, and Gibbon Gannets using only an eye spy book of ecology and a pencil shaving

Researcher PSG

I had to right the I Spy book, armed only with a tattered final demand electricity bill and a small shaving of graphite.

Well, I had to correct the spelling using only a Norwegian blue parrot that had been taught perfect Swedish

Researcher PSG

I had to teach the parrot how to speak perfect Swedish, whith only a road map to help me.

Luxury. I once had to teach a badger how to speak fluent russian using only an acorn and a beer mat.

Researcher PSG

I had to teach a slug how to make beer mats with only a Russian speaking badger to help.

Thats nothing. I had to create an entire English lexicon, including slang words and derivations, in a small Brighton beach hut with only a correspondance course in classical Spanish and a decomissioned world war 2 doodle bug for help.

Researcher PSG

You had it easy, mate!

I had to create 50,000 new languages every day, and write them on an old scrap of bus ticket, using half a matchstick dipped in my own blood. If I didn't meet my language quota, I was flayed alive by a large lizard, and then boiled in vinegar. That taught me to write quickly, I can tell you.

You were the posh ones! I had to translate all movies of Jean-Luc Godard into German using only the Google language tools, and I wasn't allowed a computer! Which wouldn't have been any help anyway since I had my hands and arms removed and sent to Australia and Groenland; what was left of me was then fed to a lion (which is very dark inside) who ate only live locusts.