Through the Doughnut Hole

4 Conversations

Well I am quite overcome by the amount of enthusiasm for the question I asked last week, so much so that I have managed to come up with another Through the Doughnut Hole for you to ponder over this week.

The Beginning

Writing this article happened far quicker than I thought, after asking the question, 'What is the best way to attract a shop assistants attention when they are ignoring you?' I got so many wonderful replies that I just couldn't wait to share them with you, so without further
ado, let me introduce you to my first guest in today’s show.

My first guest is none other than a Post regular writer useless hound in this conversation. It should be pointed out that useless hound managed to incorporate not only this question but also
a previous question about missing pens.

'Have always found that whacking the customer in front of you over the head with a large loofa whilst shouting 'he's nicked your pen!' has the desired effect. You often get to queue jump and few notice the disappearance of any remaining counter pens into your
pocket. Lighting up a cigarette in a non smoking shop is another good ploy and asking someone for a light then taking it before you hit the customer in front of you ensures a supply of both pens and lighters.'

For those of a non violent disposition this answer may not be the right one for you, but it certainly would get someone's attention. Even if it is store security coming to throw you out for being rowdy, and maybe even the legal council of the shopper in front of you who you
abused with the errant loofa1.

Whatever the result, we have at last found the ROM of Pens and lighters, which goes to prove with useless hound you do indeed get two for the price of one!!!


Guest number two is my old mate Marjin in this conversation.

'I have not tried this, but it should work.

Walk with the things you want to buy to the exit, stop just before the security gate and hold

your stuff inside it. This should generate a lot of alarms, but as you are standing inside, you

have done nothing illegal(yet).

Then friendly ask: Is someone prepared to help me pay for it, or may I just leave?

I liked this idea very much, not in the least because part of this had occurred to me also whilst waiting in line at a check-out in a large high street retailer in a town/city near you the other day. I had been told to go to this check-out from another one that was 'busy' with other things at the time I wished to pay for my purchases. That the indicated check-out had no one in attendance did not seem to faze the lady that told me to go there, and that the check-out was right in front of the exit did not faze her either. An open invitation to those less scrupulous than my most perfect self.

As a follow up to my reply to Marjin, ~jwf~ made this statement;

'To avoid borderline issues and debates whether you were in or out, stay well inside the door and throw your intended purchases out the door. If alarms sound you will be able to engage an employee in conversation by saying 'they went that-away'.

And, obviously, if no alarms sound you can (ahem) just quietly leave. A willing accomplice outside the store can help protect your intended purchases from any passing thieves.'

Of course we here at the Post and me, myself and I would not condone such behaviour in our readers, or staff ~ahem~. But thank you for the ~ahem~ helpful advice, you never know when such things might come in handy ~ahem~!!


My third guest this week, is I am sure you will agree, the wonderfully talented and beautiful

Titania in this conversation.

' attract their attention, that is - if you're not important enough a customer to attract some attention, then they're not worthy of having you as a customer!'

Very true indeed Titania, so basically if the store can't be bothered with you, don't bother with them. Maybe this policy would even do some good if enough of us slighted customers rebelled and refused them our custom.


My fourth guest this week, is a special person with a delightfully busy homepage here at h2g2. I am sure they need no introduction so please welcome daraline

in this conversation.

Enter shop with friend whilst having obviously private conversation that is just loud enough to be overheard.

Person 1: So like I said, there's been no publicity. that's the last thing I needed.

Person 2: I know. Once something like that gets out, you'll have the world and his wife on your doorstep wanting something.

*Sales advisor's ears prick up and (s)he hovers slightly closer*

Person 1: Yup. Even though I have tried to keep it quiet, my ex (insert name) phoned me up and asked me out for a drink for old time's sake.

Person 2: Old times sake? How stupid did (s)he think you were? I mean when you won that much....

Sales advisor: How can I help you sir/madam?

Ah, yes, the old 'I won the lottery ploy'. So useful in times of great stress, I haven't

personally had the chance to use it, but would so love to do so. Just to see if it would actually



My last (but definitely not least) guest this week, is Vercingetorix in this conversation. This is not strictly a reply to the question from the last article, but a reply to a reply that someone gave me for the missing pen question.

'Fritz wrote - "pretty soon every employee will be statistically no more than six inches away from a pen at any time!"
Greebo wrote - "Staff require doughnuts and doughnuts require money"

Would it be fair to say that Greebo would like to be no more than six inches away from a smiley - donut at any time?

All I can say is the reply that I gave in this conversation, which was, 'oh me likes to be so much more closer to a doughnut than six inches... though that might just be the distance between my mouth and my stomach... me is not quite sure... ~bigger grin~... me has never got the hang of measurement and such... me being a cat and all...

The Middle

It's always good solving those little problems that perplex us isn't it, makes you feel better and that all is right with the world. That is until you think up an entirely new question to perplex yourself with, and the idea of having to think up a question to perplex yourself with is perplexing in itself. So to save you the bother I shall come up with a new question for you to solve, or deliberate over, and maybe another article just like this one but with different words will spring forth from The Post and onto your computer screens.

So today's question is... roll of drums...

Who are 'THEY'?

This is rather an important question, as they are everywhere and nowhere, they run

countries, they do things for us and we do things for them. They are invisible and secretive,

and yet we see them everyday, but just who are they?

If you have any ideas, then please share with the rest of h2g2 by telling us in a conversation

below. As before I will use whatever facts, information or silliness in a future Doughnut Hole,

because this time the answer is not 42, or if it is, then the question needs rethinking a little


Of course you can also enter into any of the conversation featured on this page.

The End

Righty oh, that's enough of me going on. I'd just like to thank all of my

guests2 this week, and invite you all back to the green room, where

you can enjoy some doughnut crumbs3 and a few empty bottles of milk.

Can't you tell that h2g2 is now run under the BBC, yes that was a repeat of last weeks final


This weeks article is brought to by The Post and a small hole in the fabric of the space time

continuum. If whilst reading you fall through, then due to being told in advance of this

situation you cannot hold either The Post nor Greebo T. Cat responsible.

Share and Enjoy!!

Through the Doughnut Hole


17.04.03 Front Page

Back Issue Page

1Forth with called Exhibit A.2You know who you are, and if you don't your names are written in this

article somewhere.
3Look but don't touch is my advise for good

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