Dr. Funderlik's Regular Grunt

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Roosta Towel by Amy Ant


In England, sometimes, people forget where they left their cars. One day, a car appears in the street and then it just stays there. After the initial shock most people respond by ignoring the car. But, inevitably, a few weeks later, someone nicks a hubcap. This preciptates mass confusion in the community. The possibility of anarchy looms large. Tension mounts until someone somewhere, who simply cannot bear it anymore, phones the police. The police response is immediate and decisive. Within a month, they will have put a big sign on the car which says, in big letters, 'Police Aware'. This makes everyone feel more comfortable. But... who nicked the hubcap?

Wombles are the most obvious suspect. They live on Wimbledon Common, in South London, and openly admit that they are an organised gang which makes a creed of living off 'things that the everyday folks leave behind"'. This, naturally, includes hubcaps. Recent police surveillance on their burrow has revealed that the Wombles appear to be making a lucrative business from hubcap laundering. Their burrow now appears to have fourteen new satellite dishes and a suspicious looking wok. The police dossier on Womble activities draws the disturbing conclusion that the Wombles are arming themselves and preparing to take the common by force. But... why fourteen satellite dishes?

In a recent televised statement to the nation, Great Uncle Bulgaria announced that the satellite dishes were there so he could watch 'The Young and the Restless' twenty four hours a day. He stated that he was addicted to the program and requested that if anyone knew what was going to happen to 'Old Smilin' Jack' when Victor Newman got back from Aruba, could they please email him the answer. This appeal to the nation might have swayed public opinion considerably, had Great Uncle Bulgaria not been addressing it through a camera made from an old yoghurt pot and a packet of cornflakes. David Beckham was asked for his opinion. He replied that he didn't have any, wouldn't give it away if he had, and had never taken opinion in his life. But... what will happen to 'Old Smilin' Jack' when Victor Newman gets back from Aruba?

Well, opinion is divided on the issue. Some say that Jack should never have taken up cross-dressing without Victor's approval, while others believe that Victor will be so impressed with Jack's honesty and courage that he will put him in charge of the pineapple canning division of Gerbil Industries. CNN predicts that sales of cashmere ball gowns will increase over the summer season. Their reporter on the ground says that the ground is still much the same as usual - generally flatish, a bit dusty, not much going on really. Their reporter in the field says that the field has been quiet of late. A wasp was spotted yesterday, but it appeared to be making routine maneouvers between daisies and wasn't considered dangerous to ordinary Americans. But... what other fashion tips are to be had for the summer season?

The next big thing, according to fashion punster Fred Dibnah, will be steam powered trousers. These will transport the wearer from London to Necastle in only five days. Coal is placed in the front pocket while a small piston hammers away beneath, producing rapid motion in the trousers, which propel the wearer forward while emitting steam from the back. John Noakes tried out a pair for BBC TV's 'Blue Peter'. He shot out the studio door and was last seen heading towards Anglesey in North Wales. Everyone applauded, including members of the Salvation Army Youth Orchestra, though they later denied this. The army monitored Mr Noakes' velocity, which steadily increased as he approached Hollyhead. A Harrier jump jet was scrambled from RAF Brize Norton and Mr Noakes was shot down in a controlled explosion. In a televised statement, Valerie Singleton claimed that the action was necessary, 'Because it seemed like a funny idea at the time'. Another of Fred Dibnah's tips involves hairstyle. According to Fred, everyone will grow their hair long, and then shave it off, except for the bits above the ears. These will be made into the shape of handlebars using hair gel and everyone will run around making motorbike noises. But... did John Noakes survive?

After being shot down, Noakes wandered around the Shropshire countryside for days, stealing apples and muttering to himself, before ending up in the grounds of a huge marbled and mirrored mansion. The grounds were tastefully lit in green and hugh tall speakers mingled with tiny small speakers in the forested glades. The mansion, as it happened, was owned by Cliff Richard, who took the helpless Noakes in and resucitated him with ginger snaps and lemon squash. For these actions, Mr Richard was decorated by the Queen. She painted a large blue stripe down his nose and tied a balloon to his ear. They both laughed gaily with amusement at this, though of course, Mr Richard was furious and has been plotting revenge ever since. In fact, I can confirm today, that the whole Womble thing was his idea. He has been paying them and arming them since last Tuesday, and intends to launch a massive torpedo at the royal palace after lunch. Which is something Prince Philip does every day, apparently. But...

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