h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

OK, anyone for a recap?

In a distant corner of the room lay a small, green flannel. It appeared to be alone, but if you looked closely into the shadows it was being guarded by a small furry creature with large amber eyes and green sharp teeth that were chewing through cables.
Such behaviour had already caused the lights to black out, which were soon to be followed by the small furry creature with large amber eyes. Consequently nobody noticed the green flannel again until the electricians arived two hours and twenty six minutes later. Not that that is of any importance, but it is sometimes useful to state facts. After all, during that time there wasn't anything much else to say in the matter, as there is little to see or describle in a completely dark room.
Except for that smell, of course… Oh Christ, the smell: fetid, rank, obnoxious, violent; the compilers of the Oxford English Dictionary had already popped round with their smell-o-metre to register the exact density of this vile whiff in order to put the address of the house - 42 Albrecht Lane, Haversham - against many of the words synonymous with the word "Ordure", the problem was that Raymond Heigh was the only person with a strong enough stomach to actually enter the premises, and his sense of smell had deserted him long ago.
The even bigger problem was that Raymond Heigh doesn't exist, and, infact, has never existed. Incidentally, there was once a school called 'Raymond High', but that's beside the point. It is because 'Raymond High' was a false identity, created by him when he passed the school once. He had a very limited imagination.
Well, when compared to a human at least, because, you see, Raymond was a by-product of an alien genetic engineering project. Well, perhaps 'alien' is the wrong word, 'Essex-based' is more accurate. It just seemed alien to most people, as it was based in a part of Essex you would not find on a map. But as luck would have it, the map, too, happend to be non-existant. Although only in a strictly literal sense.

there, thats better.

Anyway, that's side-tracking, the point is...

Raymond High was in the room, with his electricians toolkit, trying to find the small furry creature.

(aside: I've been keeping an update of the story so far, just go to the article that this thread is attatched to )

(oh yea, sorry)

(no problem, I should of said)

The fact that Raymond wasn't an elecrician didn't seem to bother the toolkit.

For indeed, it what it contained were not electrician's tools.

...but a tiny chimp.

With a hat on.

The chimp was another escapee from the Essex genetic engineering project, and was very fond of its hat.

Which was made of straw, had a daffodill glued to the front of it, and was named David.

The hat, that is. The chimp was called X2, a name the scientists had given it in Essex, as like Raymond, they lacked imagination.

'X2' was just a nickname though, his full name was 'Fiesta XR2i'... it was Essex, after all. But somewhere along the way it got shortened, no doubt by somebody in a rush.

Not that the chimp cared, anyway, it was asleep.

Wandering deep into regions unknown to any living creature.

...X2 stirred suddenly from his dark, dark dreams.

"Raymond" wispered a soft, well spoken voice "I need a wee wee"...

"Bloody hell" snapped Raymond, "couldn't you have gone before we left?" "I didn't need to then" boomed X2, his voice shooting around the inside of the toolkit in a rich resonance.

"Oh... alright." (toolbox open). "Find someplace," Raymond literally howled, "and step on it!"

A brief silence was followed by the pattering of liquid on to metal, "Not in the toolbox!" cried Raymond, defeated.