h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

i'm not even sure if this adheres to the discussion topic, but i just *need* to grouse...

it has to do with concerts. and when i say concerts, i mean the classical concert sort, where the performers wear penguin suits and the audience come dressed up to their nines, and they spend a perfectly civilized evening listening to music by beethoven or tchaikovsky. (we are not talking about rock concerts)

so okay, these are civilized concerts, right? so everybody should be polite and sit quietly and enjoy the music, right?

yeah right.

i go for a lot of these, being a musician and music enthusiast, and i can tell you that i am *fed up* with what people have been doing in the concert hall. namely:
1. eating sweets. i wouldn't mind if they were discreet about it, but i can honestly tell you that it's a major irritation when you get to the soft bit of a debussy, and you hear - from all the way across the hall - somebody unwrapping his plastic-wrapped candy. for goodness sake, food isn't even *allowed* in the hall!
2. getting a little too *close* to their significant others. i went for the beethoven festival last december, and there were so many people attending one of the concerts that they had to put seats on the stage around the pianist. and what was one couple doing right in the front row onstage? playing footsie! (in another concert in the same festival, the couple sitting next to me seemed to be more interested getting acquainted with each other's body parts than listening to the music)
3. being obtrusively restless/moving unnecessarily. i'm not a callous person. i understand that most people can't stand sitting in one position for three hours straight (i can, but that's not the point), and will tend to fidget a little. that's absolutely fine by me. i, however, do not see the need for people to decide right in the middle of a piece that they want to see the concert program, and have it handed down from one end of the aisle (where the friend who has the program is sitting) - while the musicians are performing. can't one *wait* until that movement is finished???
4. talking. oh gads. this is the one thing i cannot stand, and i don't think i'm being selfish because i'm pretty sure this is against concert etiquette. it's one thing whispering to the person next to you asking for the time. (actually, i don't even like that) it's another trying to hold a conversation with a person sitting three chairs away while the concert is commencing. gads! if you think it's boring listening to classical music, well why did you even buy tickets in the first place??

most of the time i just grit my teeth and bear with it. if the people keep talking, i tend to tap them on their shoulders (if they're in front of me); if they're behind me, i just try to ignore them because the act of my turning around to glare at them would probably just irritate another ardent concert-goer. (and of course, once the concert is over, i tend to go out and grouse to my concert date)

As a part-time musician, I do so agree with you!
Mobile phones and bleeping digital watches are on my list of Things That Should Be Banned - there are very few things as distracting as a ring-tone vaguely assimilating to the best known bit of Toccata and Fugue in D minor when in fact I'm trying my damnedest to give my all to Faure.
I once saw a couple having a picnic - flask, sandwiches and trifle - during the overture to Ruddigore. In a concert hall, no less...

OG i so agree with you. there was this one concert i went to where not only did somebody's handphone go off, but the philistine actually had the cheek to answer it!

(yeah and i hate it just as much when all this happens during *our* performance. good thing i play a really loud instrument)

I played a series of charity concerts lasy year, 'Songs From The Shows' and similar...
You know the big dramatic silent bar in 'Phantom'? We arrived, we stopped dramatically... and a voice from the audience asked 'Is it time for our bus, Ethel?'

I hate band-in-the park gigs for a different reason: I expect then that people will be chatting, eating etc, but there is always someone who walks over, stands behind me and reads the music from over my shoulder. I don't play a 'loud' instrument, but I can make the piccolo uncomfortably piercing!

i don't get to got to classical concerts much, but i do go to the ballet every so often. last week, there was a little girl, three at the oldest, sitting about two seats over who asked her gramma questions in a not-very-quiet voice through the whole thing, tried ot get up and dance several times, and kept a runing commentary teh rest of the time. i think kids should be exposed to that sort of thing--my parents took me to the big, professional nutcracker nearly every year starting in second grade, and it was a huge thrill--but they need to be taught how to behave. there was another littel kid, about six, who asked maybe three very relevant quetions during the whole thing. we were in the cheap seats, but ..... when a kid does somehtng like saying, loudly during a quiet part, "wow, the king sure has a lot of daughters" (they were "peasants") and the parent (or grandparent, whatever) hushes them with a crunchy snack.......grr!!! and i like kids, honestly! i realize that they can't be "controlled" but you can teach manners! and take them to afternoon shows, not ones that don't get out till ten pm. ah, i feel better......

I agree, I agree! Mobile phones are truly the curse of the concert hall. OK, so some people find traditional concert etiquette a bit rigid, but it exists for a reason - namely not to ruin the performance for the rest of the audience (or the concentration of the performers). I don't care what my audience is wearing or whether they drink champagne or coke in the interval, as long as they keep quiet while I'm playing! In fact it's even more important when I'm in the audience myself.

It's good to get it out, isn't it?

it's a blessing that kids over here aren't allowed into the concert hall unless they're 10 and above! (not that i mind kids, mind you. it's just that i enjoy my music without disruptions) oh, and cati, i play in a concert band, which means we only play in concert settings, which means that nobody ever gets to read my score from behind - they'd go deaf if they tried anyway (i play the trombone ).

i've a joke for you - this did not happen during a band concert but during a choir competition (i was in my college choir, but this happened two years before i joined). the girls from my college were wearing togas, see... halfway through their first song, one of the letters on the wall went crooked. the audience started laughing. soon after, the letters started dropping off the wall. the audience was practically in *hysterics*. and the poor girls were frantically feeling around their waists to see if their togas have dropped off or something... ah, the powers of a disruptive audience...

I know, I know. "Manners at at a Rock concert? Is there a moshing etiqutte?" I hear you say.
Well, yes, is my answer.
Basically, at any decent rock/metal concert, there will be lots of people leaping into each other good-naturedly in front of the stage. This is called a moshpit. And there are rules, which are blindingly obvious but people STILL FORGET THEM.
1. Don't go in there if you're going to get squished. Seems obvious, I know. People are leaping around having a laugh, and are generally horrified to see people get all crushed. Don't detract from your, or any else's enjoyment, by getting all smushed up. I actually saw a guy in a wheelchair in the moshpit at The Big Day Out a couple of years ago, and it took 5 people to get him out.
2. And for god's sake, if you're going to crowdsurf, take any chains you're wearing off. I nearly lost conciousness at that very same gig because I was throttled by a fat skater.

Must admit to a wry smile Saturday, in the audiance of a ballet, and just at a quiet passage int the music, somone's phone went off a couple of seats away.
At first they ignored it pretendiding it was not theie phone, then found it from their bag, which increased volume, before switching it off.

Lightman

Talking of mobile phones...

A cellist (British, in fact) told me of an incident that happened to him at a chamber orchestra concert where he was principal cellist. There had been thieves in the wardrobe at the concert hall, so he put his phone in the pocket of his penguin suit before he went onstage, safely turned off. Or so he thought... Just as he was starting a beautiful solo passage, it started ringing. There was nothing he could do, and it was a two-part first desk solo, so the guy beside him couldn't do anything either, except try not to laugh too loud! Finally the phone stopped ringing, and he could start breathing again. Only, as he soon realised, whoever had called, also left a message... Beep beep! The conductor looked angrily at the audience, not dreaming that the phone actually belonged to one of the musicians!

Many theatres / concert halls in the UK search your bags as you go in these days. Maybe they could stand over you & refuse to let you in until they've seen you turn off your phone. Even with a reminder at the beginning of the performance of 'Manon' I saw recently, two phones still went during it!

Some buildings have no signal at all - why don't concert halls (& cinemas come to that) look at blocking mobile phone signals so that no matter how idiotic / self-important the user, they still won't be able to receive the calls.

Actually, I used to work at a cinema, and we had this thing called "The Induction Field" (or something equally ominous sounding) that blocked all transmissions.
Odd really, that when I worked in the Opera House in Manchester, they didn't have the same thing. Imagine in the middle of "Phantom Of The Opera"....
"I am the angel of music ohbloodyhell"

In a similar vein, to do with theatre performances...

Never, ever, take flash photographs!

Not only does it make it look as though you can't be bothered to buy a 'souvenir brochure' or similar, it's also extremely dangerous. It is distracting for the actors on stage, and if they're about to enter a stage fight, or hit a top E or run down some stairs, they're likely to be temporarily blinded and possibly therefore injured. Flash photography is only beaten very slightly in the annoyance stakes by mobile phones going off.

Yes, mothers and fathers, that does apply during the school play. I know it's sad, and you want a record of your little darling doing their thing, but they'll only come out with terminal 'red eye syndrome' anyway.

I saw a performance of Honk! once, and that begins with an announcement that the ducks are frightened by flash photography and mobile phones. A nice, polite way to do it.

Honk!?

This isn't the "Honk If You're Horny!" of Simpsons fame, is it?

No, it's a musical based on the Ugly Duckling, with a cast of ducks, swans, cats and what have you...

Sounds like it could be quite good. I've never heard of it. Is it fairly well-known?

Not really all that well known, though it did win the Olivier Award for Best New Musical in (I think) 2000. The National Theatre had a touring production of it which may still be going (though it was two years ago, so they've probably even been to *ugh* Milton Keynes by now). The recording of it is well worth picking up as many of the songs are rather amusing (though the stage settings make them even more so). I think it's only available through Dress Circle in London, but I'm not sure.

I can't say I agree about the so-called rules of moshing. Don't detract from teh enjoyment of other moshers? What the hell is that? I can tell you that the majority of moshes are NOT good natured. A lot of people tend to want to hurt each other. Even the ones that don't often have no regard for their fellow moshers.

I think if there were any rules to moshing, it should be to keep an eye out for the people around you -- if they're getting squished, HELP THEM! Don't keep moshing and think, 'Serves them right for getting into something they couldn't handle' until they're in real danger. People get KILLED in moshes. One example was the Big Day Out, in which one girl died during Limp Bizkit's set, and another is the 2000 Roskilde festival, in which nine people were killed during Pearl Jam's set (although admittedly, it was more than just moshing that killed those unfortunate people).

In fact, Pearl jam now only play venues where the entire audience are seated. This is, of course, to prevent another incident like that of Roskilde. In their 2003 tour, Eddie Vedder said to the audience, "I hope you understand about the seats". Trouble is, I wasn't convinced that the audience en masse really did understand; I think they were more concerned that they couldn't mosh.

While I'm on the subject, I don't understand why people need to get intoxicated for a concert. True, it *does* heighten their level of enjoyment, but they cause trouble for everyone around them. Other people are needlessly hurt, distracted, or sometimes even embarrassed or humiliated. The ones who are intoxicated tend not to remember what they've done (let alone the actual show they paid good money to see), and can neither learn from the experience, or take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. I say, have fun -- moshing is fine, but TAKE CARE OF YOUR FELLOW MOSHERS -- and enjoy the show. THere's no reason why anyone shouldn't enjoy themselves.

keeponrockin
Tom

p.s. I apologise for interrupting the conversation topic of proper, classical concerts.

speaking of those annoying devices of modern communication...

our local cinema managers, tired of dealing with all those complaints about phones ringing during movies, have taken to showing this really nifty nokia ad at the beginning of each screening where lara croft and this guy leap at each other, and are about to do serious damage to each other's facial features when suddenly somebody's cellphone goes off, and they both crash to the ground and stare angrily at the audience. this is followed by the message "you want action... or you want TO action?" (grammatically incorrect, unfortunately, but the message is there) ironically, even after they started showing these handphone-OFF messages, people are still leaving theirs on... wonder why...

There are two solutions to the problem of mobile phones in concert halls and cinemas...

Ban them:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/film/2499023.stm

Block them:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/2067672.stm

Both will do nicely!

B.