Robyn Hoodie, the Virgin Diary - Chapter 8: A Matter of Style

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Chapter 8: A Matter of Style

Teenager with a fancy weapon wearing a hoodie

Now that we have both acquired our instruments, the main point of discussion before starting up our band is what style we are going to make our music in. Given the nature of my hornhelmpipe, I will not be doing any vocals, at least not while playing. That leaves Robyn. Or we could try and find someone else willing to do the singing for us. Even then, we still need a style, so that we have something to advertise.

Robyn didn't like my idea to repeat the random Wikipedia page way of decision making, so I gave her the task of coming up with a better way. The combination of the electric harp and the hornhelmpipe would probably be the largest restriction on what it was going to be. One thing is clear to us both, any vocals need to be massively amplified to match the instruments, unless we manage to get hold of an opera singer, of course.


We could adapt a quiet style to a loud one, I am thinking of 'Mary had a little lamb' on steroids (but that has already been done by The Smashing Pumpkins and probably some others as well), or start off with something inherently loud, like baroque organ works, with the disadvantage that Bach may be a bit complex to start off with, for inexperienced musicians like us. Then dad put his head around the corner and suggested Jazz, because there are no rules in how to play it, so you can always claim it is meant to be played the way you do and you can start off with a simple tune, especially since our instruments could be mistaken for a double bass and a trumpet or saxophone. From a distance. With your eyes closed. In the dark.



Thanks Dad.



That settled, we only had to find ourselves a Jazzy singer. After some YouTubing on the subject, we decided we probably need someone with a deep and airy alto voice. Looking at our collected network of friends, that leaves us with exactly zero candidates. Luckily, the 'no rules' rule kicked in, so we could pick anyone interested in the job after all. But first we need some lyrics to give to anyone willing to audition. It needs to be something with feeling. Something our generation can relate to. Hmmmm... these seem mutually exclusive, come to think of it.

Feelings are not included in our curriculum.



Hey Sis! What about:

Covid-tiiiiiime

When the living is booooring

Online lessons

And your breakfast deep-fried

My family's poooooor

I have only one laptop

So hush, stupid parents

Ge-eeet more cash...


After noting that it was a shame I couldn't sing (And play a the same time!), Robyn agreed that one verse should be enough for an audition part, so we posted the lyrics in our 'friends, lovers and acquaintances' app-group and went to have a snack while waiting for an answer. Music makes you hungry and it was that time of day anyway.


After my second croquette, I wondered if we should have mentioned that we were intending to perform Jazz, then decided that we would see what people made of it themselves, if any came forward. Two croquettes later, the Twins asked if they could do it as a duet. (Portia told me in a private side message that she also wanted to be a Star for once, while Star messaged that she wanted to become famous and buy a Porsche from the first money). Robyn beat me in replying to their question and told that it would be better if they performed it as a polyphonic piece, in order to have enough material to judge them both. In the end, every single one of our friends replied, so we decided to have the auditions in the following weekend, to give them some time for rehearsals.



That was then. Now it is the following weekend.



Dressed in her latest harness, Joan performed a Metal version, accompanied by her steel guitar.

Curious Mary went all out laser show Industrial Dance music, with added chemical explosions.

Allana had transferred the song into the realms of Britney Spears, with a very precise copy of the trademark groan and sigh at the end of every sentence.

Chris matched Allana's performance with a Justin Bieber version (the original style, not the later work) with some slick moves added to cover for some wobbly notes.


I preferred the Twins solemn choir version, but was initially vetoed by Robyn for reasons of alleged conflict of interest.


Eventually we decided to choose every single one of them and to decide case-by-case who was most suited for each song, especially since nowadays songs apparently only become hits if you have an extensive list of writers that have been working on it. As a bonus, this also brought the technical know-how and PR skills on board. The only disadvantage now was to come up with and agree on a band name. My random character name generator saved us as it came up with Oxamor, which was vague enough to satisfy everyone, sounding dark on one side but containing amor, Love, on the other hand. A bit of an Oxymoron. Preferring Amor to Moron, we stayed with Oxamor.



Allana and the Twins immediately started sketching logos for on the merchandise.



Robyn, Joan and Mary started brainstorming on power sources, voice amplification and whether OSHA rules also covered amateur performances.

This left the composing bit for me. Given the reception of the audition lyrics, the most likely subjects should be sought in the Angst and existential dread corner of the spectrum.

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