h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You know, in my experience wounds heal and stop hurting, but the scars are always there. Sometimes they just make your skin thicker, sometimes they just make it harder for you to live normally and trust people. The kind of betrayal I was subjected to over the course of last year is the kind that leaves permanent scars, the kind that makes you doubt yourself and everything you do. I was already a doubter, I didn't need the extra insecurity... but so it goes.

What I meant is that everyone picks up scars lumps and bruises, sometimes cuts, as they go through life. There comes a time when the burden of this load becomes too heavy, and you have to ditch some of the weight in order to carry on. Its what you decide to ditch at that time, that determines the load you carry on with. There will come a time if your lucky, that you meet someone who can help you carry whats left. Its hard to explain in words.
Smudger.

You know, Smudger... I suppose I'm still smarting and cannot really see a time when I'll trust people again. I can't even trust myself anymore. My instincts are just all wrong and I keep lying to myself. I'm scared to go with my gut. It's like virtual harakiri every time...

Just by mentioning the future, as you did then, proves to your self that at lest you have one. Build on that, dare your self to go out. Just for a short time at first, and while your out there, have a look at some other peolples faces. They are full of experiences leaving there marks, laugh lines and stress lines. We all have those, some hide them better than others.

Oh yeah... I mean, "no future" is a good way to sum up depression, I think. But that's not the point. I still go out, I still talk to people. I'm just always on guard, always ready and waiting for them to sink the blow. I don't trust anybody anymore; most of the people who were supposed to love me have betrayed me in some way. So when people say or imply that they love me, I run for it! I hope to regain that kind of trust again one day.

Good for you, you will gain it one day, as you say, you are suspicious of people getting close to you. When I first met my wife (second wife) she used to go in a rage when I complimented her on anything! Found out later that for 23yrs. her first husband abused her and told she was ugly, and that no man would fancy her. It took us a while, but we worked on it, now she is over it, (but not forgotten it)You should have seen the look on his face, when we walked in on her sons 21st birthday party, she was georgous! and he knew it! We both felt good after that.
That experience did her moral more good, than all the talking we did previously! So think on, be positive! Must go now, got a hospital appt. Take care, Smudger.

Bye mate Thanks for the support!

Are you OK now,?. Ive just got back from hospital