I had a lovely bitchy little cartoon all lined up for you, gentle reader mine, but thanks to technical difficulties and the wrath of the gods I have been unable to lay it before you. Here instead is a little something from the vaults, and it's bitchier to the power of ten, oh you lucky lucky people!

a bitch in one act

scene: two women meet in the street

Una 'My God! Oubliette von Plimsoll! Hi there, hi, how areya!

Oubliette 'Ng! Uuunaa-agh, cough, hack. Una Louchebag. Well
well, don't you look just...'

Una 'Actually Sweetie, it's Momento now. Una Momento: I
remarried. But thank you Oubliette, you're looking...
too. SAY! Didya get my invite yet?'

Oubliette 'Invitation? No...

Una 'It's twenty years since my nasal reconstruction. It's been that long!'

Oubliette 'Oh longer than that surely.

Una 'So I'm throwing it a little birthday soirette.'

Oubliette 'For your nose? My heavens, whatever next, a
reunion party for your knees?'

Una 'Y'see my nose was the first thing I had done when I
married Clovis, remember him?'

Oubliette 'Vaguely. He was your first?'

Una 'The first rich one, yes. Then Julius paid for the
lobe reduction...'

Oubliette 'Not before you slept with that young Buddhist of course.'

Una 'And Desi gave me the electrolysis sessions, Marchant
the buttocks and feet... or was he buttocks and boobs?'

Oubliette 'Bums or boobs? You should know, you've been
married to both kinds.'

Una 'No, it was Jim-Bob boobs, that's right. Though I've
had them done a coupla times since then.'

Oubliette 'Punctures will be the death of us all my Dear.
What a good thing that you carry that spare one round the
back.'

Una 'And my lips and chin are almost new.'

Oubliette 'Just one careful old lady owner.'

Una 'I think my average age must be down to about
twentyfive, Darling, a ha ha ha.'

Oubliette 'Hm, your dress sense is in danger of reaching
the menopause before you do.'

Una 'Menopause schmenopause, that's what I say. I've
finished with that, period, thanks to HRT.'

Oubliette 'Oh yes, Husband Replacement Therapy: a painless
cash injection every three years to keep you looking
young.'

Una 'Why thank you Sugar. And my skin's looking so good
right now too...'

Oubliette 'You could bequeath it to Hush Puppies.'

Una '...Mrs Yin's acupuncture treatments have worked wonders.'

Oubliette 'Acupuncture? Oh dear... well it'll make someone
a nice pair of brogues at any rate.'

Una 'Must fly, it was a CHARM to run into you. So,
Saturday at seven? I can expect to see you right?'

Oubliette 'If you're not lying down I'm sure you've every
chance of seeing me. Until then...'

Una 'Ciao!'

{Oubliette walks alway}

Una 'Gee, she is SO nice!'

END

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