h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Some people don't consider it a pie but it truley is one (or a custard if you must insist), so, here's a recipe for quite possibly the world's simplest cheesecake:

Ingredients:
24 oz. of cream cheese
3 eggs
1 cup sour cream
2 teaspoons vanilla
3/4 a cup of sugar
1 and 1/2 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
1 tablespoon lemon zest
Unsweetened Butter
Water

Equipment:
Electric beater
9" springform pan
large roasting pan
large mixing bowl
Waxed paper
Four feet of aluminum foil
an oven

Variations on ingredients:

The lemon essentially makes this a lemon cheesecake- the flavouring is quite quite powerful. If you shy away from the flavour you could just up the amount of vanilla or you could add some brewed coffee (yumm) or perhaps some artifical flavouring (orange, peppermint, strawberry, you name it!). Just don't use strawberry juice or likewise as it will make your cheesecake an odd colour. If you would rather have jam or fresh fruit simply layer them into the finished mixture or add them when you are poring the mixture into the pan. (I would recommend holding off adding the fruit until the cake is finished baking though, as it is far easier and more presentable if you spread the jam or layer the fruit on top of the finished product).

If you can't have sugar, use splenda. Splenda measures out the same as sugar and is the most natural tasting sweetner out on the market (it is made from sucrose, not saccarine). If you have nutrasweet you need to sweeten to taste as it is far sweeter than sugar.

This cheesecake is crustless but you can crush some graham crackers or Nilla (vanilla bisquits) and place on the bottom of the pan if you can't abide a crustless cheesecake.

Instructions:
Have your cream cheese set out on the counter, making sure it is quite soft (setting it out for three hours or so is plenty enough tiime). Also, make sure that your eggs are at room temperature.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and prepare your springform pan. To do this take your stick of unsalted butter and coat the sides and the bottom with a generous portion. Then take your wax paper and form two layers on the bottom of the pan (they don't have to be perfect circles, though if you are picky simply take the ring off of the springform and place it over the wax paper, drawing a circle on the inside of the ring onto the paper). Now that that's done, take your aluminum foil and cut it in half and lay the pieces in a cross shape, layering one over the other. Place the pan in the center of the cross and fold up the foil around the pan, curving it around the top. Make sure it is tight around the pan!! This acts so that water won't get in your cheesecake once it is placed in the water bath.

Now that your pan is prepared on to the mixture!

Take your cream cheese and begin to whip it with the beater. Now you will realise how truly important having your cream cheese softened really is! Once you've got it softened up a bit more, add the sugar- the whole thing at once. Then keep on mixing and beating until the mixture moves about easily, with no lumps whatsoever. This will take some time- don't worry about overbeating!

Now that your the sugar is incorporated and the mixture is creamy start adding the eggs, one egg at a time. Don't be brave and crack them into the mixture- use a seperate bowl instead: nobody likes a surprise crunch in their dessert! Once they are incorporated you will notice that the mixture has a nice yellow colour and it is getting quite liquidy- Don't Panic! This isn't like a pudding batter. It will firm up in time.

Now add your vanilla, sour cream, lemon juice (or other flavouring) and zest. Once they are incorporated simply pour the mixture into your springform pan. As you may notice it pours out like a cake batter- quite liquidy yet still having a healthy solid colour.

Place the springform pan into the center of your roasting pan and set on the edge of your oven's rack. Now take a healthy amount of water and pour it into the roasting pan SLOWLY. You do not want it to splash on the cheesecake. When the water is about an inch up on the side of the springform pan you are all set (you may notice that the pan is floating a bit- it will be fine, trust me) except for maybe one last thing...

Cracking. Yes, even though it is baked at such a low temperature, your cheesecake can get a bit dry on the top resulting in a cracked "roof." To prevent this simply dip your finger in the water bath and sprinkle some on top of the cheesecake.

Now, close the oven and bake for 1 hour. At the end of the hour turn off the oven but DON'T OPEN THE OVEN DOOR!!! Your cheesecake isn't done baking. There's enough heat in the oven and water to continue baking for another hour (that's 1 hour). When that hour is up you're all set. Take it out and ... okay. I lied. You're not all set. Unfortunately, your cheesecake still needs to set and to have the right texture and firmness it will need to stay in your fridge over night. I know I know. All that time and you STILL can't eat it? Well, trust me, the wait is truly worth it.

Now that your cheesecake is set you can take it out of the pan and place it on a platter or plate. The side should come off rather easily but the bottom is another story. You will most likely need to flip your cheesecake onto the platter and pry off the bottom. Once you get one side of the bottom lifted off the rest should come off easily. Now just peel off the wax paper and you're set!

Woo.

If that doesn't do it for you you can always add jam or fruit to the top (as mentioned above) or you can get some whipped cream and scoop it over the cheesecake (mmmm). For whipped cream, take two cups heavy cream, two teaspoons of vanilla, and a tiny bit of sugar (or other sweetner). Whip on high speed until soft peaks for and you're set.

Enjoy!