h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

- Getting Band-ed -

For the Agent/ Band Manager

When you want to start a band, first go for a full-body medical check-up. The process of setting up, and managing a band will just be like an adventure trip; only difference is the time frame, and the amount of stress of every aspect you'll have to deal with later. Plus you probably won't have as much fun.
Secondly, source for total strangers who live far away from you to form the band. You won't have to deal with emotional or awkward run-ins should the band decide to break-up.
Thirdly, run a thorough background check on every potential member. You won't want to end up dead or maimed for no rhyme or reason on the street, should there be any dispute within the band.
Lastly, hire a personal bodyguard. You will need him.

10 rules to Join A Band (JAB)

1) Must be able to survive on planes for long hours without food and water (for publicity gimmicks/ tours)
2) Must have a strong survival instinct (to fend off the media vultures i.e. paparazzi, not journalists!)
3) Must be agile, preferably an ex-gymnast (to escape from the huge adoring crowds)
4) Must be resourceful (to help with the escapes)
5) Must be obedient, or better still, gullible (to prevent law-suits against you in the future)
6) Must be self-reliant (so that you can get more breaks in between the busy schedules)
7) Must have good stamina (to learn those snazzy dance moves, on the double)
8) Must have a non-existent temper, and enough charm to last the next ten years
9) Must have little, or no personality (so as to be versatile)
10) Must have tough exterior/ skin (to accept plastic surgery when applicable)

Rehearsal Time...ahem!

For really talented people, they are able to practise at any time of the day, anywhere. Just watch Fame.
However, for the majority of aspiring Band-ers, they do need the help of professional instructors to help with every detail, and a huge studio with mirrors, so that they do not bang into each other unnecessarily, and also to monitor their physiques. It is also advisable to have a radio/ hifi system around, in case they really can't tell what they sound like. It helps to boost their morale, if they think they sound good.
Practice schedules should ideally be two to three sessions a week. Why? So that they won't forget their lyrics, dance routines etc, and most importantly, so they don't have enough time to quarrel.

We want to be Millionaires

Ok, so now the band is formed. This is when the problems start.
The agent and members should gather one day before the actual start of promotions to discuss unimportant but relevant issues such as where to stay from now on, payment for being a band member, attribution of roles etc.
Again, another plausible method to settle these issues, in a relatively peaceful way, would be to go by a lucky draw system. Write down all the roles within the band (lead singer, dancers, back-up singers, coffee boy/girl, data maintenance, finance alliance, songwriter, peace-maker, person who makes wake-up calls [this should be rotated], person who settles bills etc) and get the band members to draw two. This will be done by the band manager. If there is any displeasure, conduct another round of relevant auditions for the appropriate roles.

This should qualify as a start-up guide for wannabe agents/ Band-ers. All information is strictly self-recommended, and should be regarded as serious trivia.