h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

im a non residential parent ,i never wanted to be but here i am.
when me and my former partner split i agreed to see the kids evey week and have them stay twice a month,just as i and the kids where getting used to it their mother moved to another town with them and her new boyfriend, we where never married so i was powerless to stop them,(unmarried fathers have no legal rights you see) still i tried to keep up the arangment but a 5 min free walk had turned into a 90 mile round trip cosing £20 on a train, that plus the added fair for the children basicaly prevented me from seeing them, i tried to get some kind of financial support from the various agencies and got non.so with the travel costs on top of the maintenence payments i had to stop seeing the kids.12 months later i couldnt stand it any more and moved to within 14 miles of them,i had to leave my job,my home i had settled in,my friends and everything but a least i can experience some of my childrens lives. it slightly anoys me that single parents get financial suport but the non residential parent gets nothing but is still expected to pay maintnece,tavel costs,food for staying over and days out,help with some of this would improve a lot of childrens lives.
after moving ive found it difficult to find work and friends and ive felt isolated ,having the kids stay is a major highlight. if i could have got a little help with travel costs i wouldnt of had to move an, would still be in work and be sociable.as it is im jobless and friendless but its worth the pain just to see my boy and girls faces on a regular basis.
soz for banging on so much

Hi, no need to apologise and congratulations for putting your children first, I'd never thought of what it would be like for a lower income non-residential parent having to do the travelling but thinking about it I agree it's a shame that there isn't help with visiting costs when your paying maintenance, maybe one day we'll have a government that can get it right for all of us but for now we all have to manage.

I hope you get a good job and settle where you are now and enjoy watching your children grow up, sharing their lives with them.

Good luck

Hi, commendations to you for being so dedicated to your children & your own needs too, I say that because it seems easy in todays society to look at non residential parents as little more than providers!
Maybe my own tale can assist you in some way; I have a contact order that says I have my daughter an average of 3 days per week, incuding nights, holiday times & alternate xmases, which is great, also it is stipulated that her mother picks her up each week, fortunately she still lives close by and her mother is no longer, to my knowledge considering moving away.
The downside for me is that I only have 3 full days free a week & am stuck on jsa, currently under £50 per week & apparently am not entitled to any other financial assistance bar housing benefit, though I can earn £5 per week, wow, as my legal status is that of a single man. I have a small business of a sort which is little more than a name, unable to pay for advertising nor obtain any capital. I have however thought of another enterprise, with next to no overheads which I shall be starting soon, the sooner the better as my debts are ever increasing.
My ex works & earns good money & still harks on that "you contribute nothing, pay for nothing" i.e I have given her nothing, according to the csa I don't have to!
Life is very hard as a non residential parent, just as it is for single parents & couples too, only their efforts are recognised, ours are not, beyond friends & family, I have considered commiting minor crimes to get jailed so as to get a community care grant upon release, but damn my high principles!
I'm glad you moved to be closer to your children, sad that you had to, hope you have found a job & more peace of mind & like myself will never give up!

Ah yes... that wonderful UK law that puts anyone to do with the mother higher than the child's actual father.

Here's my story:

In 1996, I split from my ex-girlfriend and about a month later she told me she was pregnant. I said I'd support her and I did when our daughter was born. I didn't get much access but didn't want to rock the boat by going to court and getting visitation (bad move on my behalf).

In the meantime I met someone else (who's American) and I moved to the US when my daughter was 3.

I stayed in as much contact as is possible... she would spend alternate weekends at my parents house and we'd talk on the phone or see each other on the web cam. I continued to send money monthly and additionally sent clothes and gifts at xmas and birthdays. Also, my wife and I had our own child, another daughter who is two years younger than my older daughter.

Anyway, last year, my ex passed away. My daughter was only 5 years old. Now, my daughter also has an older half-sister who at the time was 16.

I flew back to the UK immediately with a view that she should live with her father.

It turns out my ex's foster-sister (not even a blood relative) took custody of my daughter and after going to court over the next 9 months I lost custody completely to her. The reason given was that she should stay where she was accustomed, meaning she would still go to the same school, as though changing school is the most dramatic thing that could have happened to her.

I understand that I would have been splitting up the sisters, but that would happen naturally anyway, soon enough (the older sister is looking to go to Uni next year). Also, I would be able to provide a stable family environment with a younger sibling in a slow-paced rural setting in Colorado, where she could be a child. Instead, now as a six year old, she knows the words and dances to some pretty dubious music her older sister listens to, and is being dressed up in miniature fashion clothes and is generally growing up too quick.

So, I see her for four weeks in the summer over here (in the US) and the rest of the time she's with her quasi-aunt... a person who herself is a single parent, and who has not worked in ten years, living in a slum part of London.

I have no input into any of the major and/or minor decisions in her life and consequently will never truly be seen as her father by her... she's lost all sense of what a family is supposed to look like and will probably never fully understand it.

Anyway enough of my life... any discussion welcome

Hi Little Man, your situation seems dire, remember to thank that wonderful
Judge for his awesome power to bestow
the best possible upbringing for a child, indeed what is blood in a family court? Irrelevant it seems if its a mans!
I've heard that American courts actively reward the willingness of fathers to be such to their children, o shame on England & Wales for ignoring it. However, if married, if not through application to the court if not by Mother/Guardians assent one can obtain 'parental responsibility' which ambiguosly seeming does act as a stepping stone for other things, & alledgedly does transfer residency( custody is non pc, like non primary parents, makes you laugh & cry really;
I nearly hit a bloke for calling me a secondary parent!) to the holder if for some reason the primary carer can no longer care, just not caring alas is not enough..
Anyway give me a rural life in Colorado over Urban English pollution any day!

I am unusual - I am a non residential parent and I am female (I can hear you all condemning me from here).

I pay CSA and have no argument with that. What really annoys me is that my daughter doesn't appear to benefit from the money.

Also, as she is 9, her father has decided that any decisions concerning her should be made by her. For example, I wanted her to come and stay at Christmas (holiday access was agreed at the time of the divorce). Her dad asked her (apparently) if she wanted to come and stay with us or stay with him. He says she decided to stay with him but I don't believe she chose to do that without persuasion. He is a tearful person and she sees this. She knows that he doesn't want to let her out of his sight. She isn't a member of any clubs and isn't allowed to play with people in her street because 'they're not the right sort of people'. Forgive me but when I was her age, I played with all sorts of people from all strata of society and learned how to pick the nice people to be with (not necessarily cleanest/richest whatever).

Sorry, I'm ranting now.

Can I give a few words of advice to non-residential parents from the (slightly embittered) viewpoint of a child of divorced parents?

Firstly, by all means give the child your side of the story when you think they're old enough to understand, but bear in mind that they will hear your other half's version as well. If they decide that it was all your fault, tough.

Secondly, if your ex finds a new partner, they'll eventually relegate you to secondary parent status (whether they want to or not) by the simple fact of being around more or less consistently. There is nothing you can do about this except put up with it. The exception to this is when said new partner actively dislikes your kids, in which case you might find yourself looking after them yourself.

Lastly, if YOU find a new partner who doesn't like your kids, you're eventually going to have to choose between them. Whichever you decide on, decide sooner rather than later or your kids will suffer for it.

(And in case anyone's wondering, no, I don't like my dad very much.)