Ask Prof!
Created | Updated Jul 11, 2003
We're all going on a summer
holiday...
Greetings, friends! Welcome to my column, in the most reputable of
newspapers, the Post. As you will no doubt notice from a quick glance below,
there are a total of four letters to get through this week and, thusly, I
have little time or space to write a full introductory section. Besides
that, I can't actually think of anything to talk about, to tell you the
truth.
However, I've chosen to take my yearly vacation at this point. I'm going
away tomorrow (Friday the 10th, that is) for just over two weeks. Naturally,
I'll be going to San Beta - as it's the richest galactic cluster I know for
diverse holiday planets - but I will be doing no work whatsoever. I am, in
fact, instructing my Watch to sever all outside communications so I'll get
some peace. This means of course that for two issues the Post will have to
do without Ask Prof, but I'm sure the world of h2g2 will get by somehow.
Never fear though, as I'll use that time to think up many a new topic of
interest. After I get back, Ask Prof will enter a new era of excitement and
adventure and really wild things!
Anyway, enough of promoting my column (which I needn't do if you're
reading this), and on with the letters!
Letters
As said, four excellent letters this week, which makes the column seem really
popular now! In fact, I even received a couple of questions from Ming (once
again), and she's on holiday! Goodness me! Anyway, subjects this week are
quite varied, so do enjoy your browsing of the answers!
Subject: Doctors
Dear Professor,
Do you have Doctors in the part of space you are? Because I've never heard
of my kind being used: I have a slight fear that people can heal themselves
with machines and computers. And even though I'm a doctor of computers, I
hear that even the computers fix themselves, and so I would be of no use to
your great quests. Is this true, and if so, is there an easy occupation I
could take up in the depths of space?
-SYS- DoctorMO --
Good day to you, DoctorMO, thank you for writing! Indeed it is quite true
that the medical profession for both life forms and computers is very rarely
used in San Beta. At such an advanced technological and social state there
are two factors to account for the former: a) very few injuries are actually
suffered, and b) any injuries that do occur can be treated automatically
without fuss. At such a high level, computers never need to be
fixed.
However, the reason for computers not needing to be fixed in San Beta is
because the main technical supplier is Big C Industries, my own company. All
of my inventions are naturally faultless when they reach the consumer
market, so there are no problems. But other galaxies aren't so lucky, and
don't have me to supply them with good equipment. It is they who are still
in need of good technical and computer-operation advisors, and I believe the
job is indeed an easy one, or at least should be for your good self.
Although I would never wish you to leave h2g2, if you really want to make
some money, the best places to set up a computer surgery would be the
galaxies of Andromeda, Inærai and Aulia. If a wormhole system was set up
between h2g2 and those galaxies, you could nip back and forth for work in
both places! Get in touch with the Ministry for Science
& Technology if you're interested!
Subject: Perfect Toast
Since producing perfect toast seems to have become something of an obsession
with you in recent weeks, I thought I'd take the opportunity to inform you
and your readers of an innovative new product from the Ministry of
Magecraft.
Developed over a period of seven years (even though we only started last
week - it's complicated and involves mucking about with the flow of time,
something that has to be done very carefully indeed as you can no doubt
imagine), the Penguin Brand Perfect Toaster avoids the usual problems with
technological toasters by not using any technology at all. Instead, it is an
entirely magical device which is, we believe, the only practical way in the
Known Universe to produce perfect toast.
The way it works is very simple.
You place your bread in the slot in the top, and touch the go button. The
presence of your finger/tentacle/other appendage on the button triggers a
set of spells which perform a light telepathic scan to determine exactly how
you want your toast. Further spells then perform the usual task of heating
the bread in order to convert it into toast.
The bit that took us the time was the InstaToast system, which is capable of
producing any kind of toast you wish to have in less than five seconds,
substantially reducing the time taken in the morning to prepare
breakfast!
Perfect Toasters are available from the Ministry of Magecraft at the
Alabaster House in various different sizes and styles, priced from ALT$20.
They are easy to install, and work almost anywhere, except for those
infrequent patches in the Universe where there is little easily obtainable
magical energy.
I sound like a commercial now, so I'll stop.
MaW
Minister for Magecraft
Marvellous! Genius! I have to hand it to you and your penguins on that
one! Finally, the perfect lightly browned lunchtime treat!
I was at first sceptical about your claim that it worked simply because
it didn't use technology: as I mentioned last
week, I believe that it is a Dimensional Constant that keeps toast
from being properly produced in this reality. And so to resolve this matter,
I purchased one of your toasters, and had a look at it. Please understand
that it was merely out of curiosity and scientific study - if you had indeed
found some way to make true unburned grilled bread, I would be in no
position to make a profit out of it.
What I found was startling. As I've done a little research into magic in
my time, I knew how to trace origins of spells. Using this method I was able
to track down which dimensional plane these spells of yours were either
powered or based on. I discovered that their origins lay deep within the
magical power of a one-of-a-kind dimension, the one dimension where toast
could not be burned! I journeyed there to see this in action, and even the
technology there can make it properly! Goodness, I, for a moment, wished I was
born to that reality, but then I remembered that your invention had
alleviated the problem in this one.
But alas, you have no doubt taken the copyright and patent on this find
and the application of it, and so you have now beaten me to commercial
enterprise. Still, I wish you the best of luck with marketing! Thank you
again.
Subject: Cats and Toast
My Dearest Prof,
Your message on toast in this week's column inspired me to ask yet another
question:
Is it true that if you affixed a slice of toast butter-side up on the back
of a cat and dropped the cat that you could create an anti-gravity drive?
And, if so, could you prolong this drive using the principle of
Schrödinger's Cat by putting the cat - toast and all - in a lead lined box
with a radioactive particle?
Just a thought...
G7
My, my! Everyone has been working very hard this week! Excellent,
excellent! Nothing wrong with that, what? Cats are indeed one of the marvels
of the Universe, along with the buttered toast. To explain to anyone who
does not understand the scientific theory behind this:
Cats are well known to have a tendency to land on their feet. Which is
all very nice and sweet of course, but has annoyed Earth scientists for
centuries! Similarly, buttered toast (or at least its burned variety) always
lands butter-side down. Placing the one on top of the other would create a
spatial paradox, where the combined matter-group of cat and toast would not
be able to land either way, and would therefore hang at a sort of event
horizon just before the ground. This alone would be sustained until someone
intervened. In fact, the Schrödinger's Cat principal would only hide it from
the curiosity of the public, and would therefore simply protect it from
prying hands.
Anti-gravity drives are of course in common use in the Known Universe,
and most work with electromagnetics, a slow but consistent method. However,
odd ideas and theories like this have been used before, and some indeed
work! This would work, but it should be remembered that cats only land on
their feet when they're alive: without some sort of perpetual life-giving
device inside the box, the cat would eventually die and the anti-gravity
drive die with it, leaving a horrible smell of moulding bread.
One of the more interesting theories I must say, Gw7en, and I thank
you!
Subject: Climate Changes
Do you have the technology to control the weather on any lumps in space that
have weather?
Are there any issues regarding pollution on any planets that you know
of?
Absolutely! Ahem, to both questions. Meteorological manipulation is
simple enough when you know how to shift particles about, which luckily I
do. The atmosphere is, quite simply, a large area of gases. Using the highly
sophisticated sensors aboard the Space Station, it is possible to work out
exactly what is where, and at what pressure and density. I then simply lock
onto various areas and move them around, either by artificially induced wind
or teleportation. This creates dramatic changes in global climate.
If I just want to change the weather a little bit, I use simple force
fields to regulate pressure areas, or even cool down and heat up
landmasses.
Pollution, although near never evident on technologically or spiritually
advanced planets, is sometimes a problem in less advanced places. Water (and
other liquid) pollution has been outlawed fully by the San Beta Government,
however pollution of the air is only moderately controlled. You see, it was
discussed in an evolution committee that air - being the best means of
travelling on most planets - cannot go without some contamination in the
evolutionary cycle of a species. It is not a worry however as when they
advance far enough they stop using the pollutants of their own accord.
Be that as it may, sometimes things do get out of hand, in which case the
race's only real options are to either colonise underground, thus making
transport difficult for the most part, or to move to another planet. If they
choose the latter option, the Government will assist them in doing so, and
will immediately commence clean-up works on their old homeworld. It's a long
process however, and we're thankful that it rarely comes about.
So then, that's it again for this week, I'm afraid. And as I'm off on
holiday, the next column will feature on the 30th of this month. Until then,
keep the letters rolling in, do! Toodlepip, all!
Yours installing magical toasters,
- Professor Christopher Tonks
Minister for Science & Technology for the Alabaster House
GalaGroup Overseer to San Beta
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