Episode One

As night descends on the rambunctious town of Pipeston, the sinister weirdos of life begin to unravel their suits and start plotting the downfall of law and order, for their own wicked pleasure: a fact that Wesley Pipes, intrepid vigilante crime fighter, knew only too well.

Wesley looked up at the building – all 300 feet of it – and began scaling the perilous sheer face using those suckers that Batman always used in the TV series even though they never looked likely to actually work. Wesley rose fiercely to the challenge, pausing only once to pick himself off the floor after the laws of physics realised that those suckers couldn’t possibly work. While this was a solitary pause in the brave Wesley’s ascent, it proved a decisive one as he hobbled home to catch the end of Animal Hospital, safe in the knowledge that he wasn’t likely to be killed there…

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Episode Two

Wesley Pipes, intrepid private detective trained in the deadly martial arts, slouched further back in his chair while guzzling down the Chateaux ’78 that Piper Crane had given Wesley for his birthday. The wine was a sumptuous white with a full body, exhibiting dry characteristics while offering an almost serendipitous portion of fruitiness. The fumes exuded springtime – the birds flying high in the air, the little kiddies skipping gaily through the meadows and the other little kiddies gunning them down for being geeks.

“I do wish you’d stop analysing wine like that, dear.” Wesley’s mother approached from the rear, causing him to jump slightly. “What are you doing, anyway? Shouldn’t you be doing your detectiving, or whatever?” She inquired, with the curiosity of a soon-to-be-dead cat. “Oh muuum, go away will you,” retorted Wesley, “I’m on a stakeout. That house across the road is due to burgled at any time now, and I shall be the man to stop it!” Wesley’s Mum, whose name can now be revealed as Agatha, waddled over to the window of the darkened room and peered out at the night-ridden world. “You mean the house with the delightful latticed porch supports?”

“Yes!” Replied Wesley, somewhat irritated.

“You mean that house, with the van pulling away while being driven by a masked man?” Wesley rushed to the window and watched, with a pained look upon his face, as the abetting vehicle van-ished into the distance.

“Oh, b******s…”

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR AN A-MAZE-ING DEVELOPMENT IN THE ADVENTURES OF WESLEY PIPES.
NB. The A-maze-ing pun does not necessarily mean that the episode will have anything to do with mazes.

Episode Three

Wesley Pipes, intrepid fruit salesman, stood in the living room of his mum’s flat, jaws opened wide in disbelieving shock while pondering where the world went wrong. “How did this come to happen?” you ask. Well if you idiots would stop butting in on my story for one minute then I might tell you.

It all began with the words “Oh, b*****ks,” spoken by Wesley himself at the closing of the previous episode. Now the curtain will rise once more for the continuation of this enthralling story…

“Language, Wesley!” Barked that man’s mother, whilst dishing out a well-placed clout around the noggin. “Oh, pipe down will you, Moth…” Wesley’s performance of the, thus far, underused pipe-related pun was cut short by a loud BANG. The source of this noise was a hand gun that, less than one second previous, had contained precisely ‘x+1’ bullets, where ‘x = number of bullets currently present in gun’. In short there was a bullet currently flying through the air and there was no telling in which direction it was heading… except that Wesley’s Mother suddenly slumped to the floor, now sporting a considerably fatal wound in the forehead. “Oh, dear me,” tutted Wesley, upon seeing the dead body of his Mother.¹ He followed this with an apprehensive glance towards the doorway which, he discovered, housed a gun-wielding Billie Piper² who, he discovered, was completely naked.

“Why did you kill my Mother?” inquired Wesley.

“Oh, sorry. I thought that was a secret Government spy attempting to eliminate you. Oh, this is really embarrassing.” Replied the under-dressed songstress

“No, it’s alright really. It was an honest mistake. But why are you naked?”

“That is a long story, Wesley, which will be shortened and simplified for the attention-span lacking readers.” Billie explained that she was a secret agent for an underground anti-capitalist group known as the ‘Pipe Pipe Pipe’. This group had been attempting to overthrow the whole capitalist thing for many moons but recent events had given fresh impetus to their movement. They had discovered that the ginger-haired media mogul Pipe Evans was actually the centre of capitalism for the entire world. Billie had married Pipe Evans as an attempt to infiltrate and destroy from the inside but, once infiltration was achieved, she discovered that this would not be as easy as previously expected.

While rooting through some literature at the Pipe Pipe Pipe headquarters they had uncovered a prophecy regarding the coming of a ‘Chosen One’. These writings foretold that this person would have the power to rid the world of capitalism forever. The group had been searching for this person ever since then but now they believed their search had come to an end.

“Wow that’s a really interesting story,” Wesley said, while Billie made her way to the front door. “But that still doesn’t explain why you’re naked.”

“No. No it doesn’t.” Billie replied, disappearing around the corner.

Wesley slumped into his armchair and switched on the television. “Welcome to this brand new channel,” began the announcer. “The twenty-four hour a day Jim Davidson Channel!” Wesley shot up from his chair and stared in shocked disbelief at the screen and that, I believe, is where we came in.

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE VAGUELY PIPE-RELATED SHENANIGANS

Episode Four

“Erm… Wesley?” Wesley looked from his recently destroyed television set towards the doorframe that, once more, featured a naked Billie Piper. “Err,” continued Billie, “did I mention that you are the chosen one and you have to come with me right now?”

TUNE IN NEXT TIME WHEN SOMETHING MIGHT ACTUALLY HAPPEN!!!

Episode Five

Wesley Pipes, intrepid Star Pipe fan, divulged his life story upon the unfortunate Billie Piper while journeying to the headquarters of the Pipe Pipe Pipe. This took up nearly all of the five minute Hypo-Larkotan ³ride. They soon arrived at their destination – The Pipe Street Stock Market – and entered the building, Wesley wearing a confused look upon his confused face.

In truth the Stock Markets around the world, long thought to be centres of capitalism, are actually the secret buildings of the Pipe Pipe Pipe. Nobody, not even the Government, actually knows what is supposed to be going on in these buildings so they simply assume that it must be capitalism and therefore helpful to their regime. Come on, think about it: Why else would Pipe Against The Machine perform an impromptu concert for the people in the buildings.

They passed through hundreds of people who were simultaneously shouting nonsense up at a large screen, which displayed a large amount of numbers that meant nothing. Upon reaching the far wall Billie paused for a moment then whipped out a marker pen. This was, of course, a magic marker pen. Billie’s Magic Marker Pen™ drew a door upon the wall, which Billie walked through. Wesley attempted to follow but hilariously hit his head on the wall and was subsequently knocked down by a speeding train.

Thanks to a passing ‘Sex Dwarf’ Wesley eventually passed through the wall. He found himself confronted by a room that was largely left up to the reader’s imagination. However, one constant factor was the unmistakable presence of Michael’s Pipe. “Welcome, Wesley. Please leave us alone Billie.” Spoke the mystical Pipe. “I expect you are wondering who I am and why you are here.”

“No, I know who you are. You’re Michael’s Pipe, lead singer for RPM, and I’m here to help your anti-capitalist organisation – Pipe Pipe Pipe.” Interrupted Wesley.

“Oh, but I had a great speech worked out and everything.” Complained the mystical Pipe. “Well, now you’ll have to do loads of training and stuff. Blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah.”

“That’s great, but do you know why Billie Piper is naked?” queried Wesley.

“Yes. Yes I do. And so will you soon.”

“Are you saying that after the training I’ll be able to know why Billie is naked?”

“No, I’m saying that, when you’re ready, you won’t have to.”

“But that doesn’t make sense”

“Nope, but I have to go now.” POOF. And with that Michael’s Pipe disappeared into a poof of smoke.

Thirty minutes later the gas dispersed and Wesley, who had been standing in the same position for that time, discovered the mystical Pipe crouched down in the centre of the smoke. “You know, most people leave after twenty minutes.”

TUNE IN NEXT TIME BECAUSE OF THE THING… WITH THE OTHER THING… AND THAT.

The Real Episode Six

We last left our intrepid adventurer standing in the
headquarters of the Pipe Street Stock Market, where he and Billie
Piper (naked) have paid a visit to Michael's Pipe, lead singer of
RPM and head of an anti-capitalist organisation.

Wesley and Billie waited expectantly for Michael's to move from
the crouching position he'd adopted in the centre of his room.
Instead of standing up dramatically, the curled up rock star slowly
began to lean to the left, before tipping over completely onto his
side, much like an upturned tortoise, except not on his back but
his side, and his back not being covered with terribly useful but
restrictive shell.

"Grrrrnng…" Moaned Michael's Pipe. Sticking his arms and legs out horizontally from his toppled position, he began to flail wildly.

"Well don't just stand there, HELP ME UP!" he growled as he
gradually circled around on the spot. Tentatively, Wesley and Billie
edged toward him, got on either side of his shoulders and heaved
him into an upright position, although he remained bent
double.

"As you're still here, you may as well begin your training right
away" he sighed. "But first, take me to my Throne of Pipedom".
Michael's indicated a three-legged milkmaid's stool sitting in the
corner of the room, crowned by a voluptuous pink cushion. With
the two young pipe's assistance, he shuffled to the stool and sat
down heavily.

Wesley had become impatient. "Can we start our training
now?" he pleaded, while discreetly hopping from foot to foot.
Michael's Pipe nodded sagely. "Indeed you can, my pupil. But do
not expect this to be an easy ride - this isn't going to be as simple
as lifting a Pipe-Wing out of a swamp with only your mind,
destroying a Pipe Star or any of those other damn fool 'trials and
lessons' in Pipe Wars. This is real life. And as this is real life,
some of your lessons might not be what you have
envisaged…

"What are you saying?" asked Wesley, mystified.

"I want you," said Michael's Pipe solemnly, "to go to the
corner shop, and buy me some Aspirin.

"But I don't have any money!” wailed Wesley.

"Then you must find some, and find some fast. Now, be
gone!"

Wesley glanced over to Billie, a plan forming in his mind.
"Come on Billie, I think I've an idea on how to make some money.
But it'll require your… expertise…”"

"NO!" barked Michael's. "Piper stays here with me."

"But she's naked" emphasised Wesley, a little too
conveniently for the narrative.

"Yes. Yes she is. Now leave us be. And shut the door,
too.”

And with that, Wesley was ejected onto the
street⁴,
penniless, Piperless and desperately needing the toilet (though this
is not crucial to the story). How hard could it be to find a
convenience store? After all, there were plenty of corners in this
part of the world. Weren't there…?

Contributed byBig Mad Mr
T

TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE PIPE-RELATED
GIBBERISH!