h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My my my my my. I'm an American who will probably be moving to London in the next 6 months and I will probably have to use the Underground. All of the topics here have been very helpful and also frightened me to death.

Do you think that behaving like a crazy American will help me survive the insanity? Perhaps if I wear cowboy boots and talk with a southern hick drawl and demand to know directions to places that don't exsist? Or exsist in Ireland or Scotland?

"Howdy darlin'. I can't read this here stupid map. Ya'll know haw to git t' this "glass-gaw" place?"

Any help would be excellent,

Krissy

P.S. - The Chicago response to a public masturbater would be to kick him soundly in the balls. Is this considered appropriate behaviour?

As an American that worked in London and Chicago for a while I can assure you that The Underground is actually very easy compared to the Chicago El. Really. Just stay away from the Paris Metro. I never did figure it out.

You've already done the hard part. You've learned how they spell
"behaviour". When you can decode "Crimey! I'm just stepping out to the chemists for some plasters, and maybe I'll have a pint and a fag on the way, so keep the loo clear for when I get back, I may be knackered" then you're ready to come back.

If anybody asks you "Is this the Tooting train?" they probably aren't "winding you up". There really is a station called Tooting. Two in fact. Tooting Broadway and Tooting Bec. They're both on the Northern line.

Yay! I understood that whole thing. Of course, being in love with a brit jazz musician has aquainted me with all sorts of interesting new words like, "snog" (my personal favourite), "knackered" (which you mentioned), "pissed" (in it's british sense), "shag", "bird", "pint", "pub", "mate", "gear" (the precise meaning of which eludes me, but I've got the general idea), as well as countless others.

I, on the other hand, have taken a perfectly good Englishman and introduced him to; "yadda yadda yadda", "neighborhood", "mom" (which we still fight about), "chick", "fella", "blottoed", and phrases like "hard liquor" (which he still swears doesn't make any sense).

Luckily, there are words that are universal like "beer", "love", "sex", "drunk", "baby", "jazz", "cigarettes", and "hello?", as well as almost all swear words around which most of our relationship is based.

It's a relief to hear that the Underground isn't much worse than the EL. Do you get arrested for "innapropriate use of force" or something there? Chicago has trained me to be rather....agressive.

He knows Cockney Rhyming Slang. So when he gets around his mates and starts up, I'm screwed.

*perfecting the "I'm going to sit here and smile into my beer until you explain what the hell it is you're discussing" look*

good to know... I'd hate to have to haul off and belt someone when they are asking a legitimate question.

If you walk around the tubes drawling like that, you will either end up with a foot in your arse or a nice collection of pennies, milk bottle tops and other trendy items from the pockets of the English tube travller.

Best way to cope with the Tube is not to go anyway near it. It's hot, shitty, knackered and crap. Just like London. Best thing to do is avoid this god forsaken shit hole of a country with its small minds and whingeing gits and go somewhere with a bit of a style. But if you do come here, go somewhere decent like Manchester. Or Devon. Or just anywhere but bloody London.

A Whinging Pom.....

And now I am replying to myself because I am bored.

Another vote of confidence! Hmmmm....sounds like Column 8 is as in love with London as I am with Chicago at the moment.

Here's one thing, though: Do you know how much &$*%ing cheaper a ticket to Europe is from London?? And I want to travel. Just one of the many reasons I will probably wind up there.

What if I walked up to folks and used the drawl to actually ASK for a kick in the ass? Or what if I used a terrible English accent and insisted that I was from Kent, no matter what anyone said? I think that could be fun.

"No, Gov-er-nor. I'm really FROM Kent. Pip pip and all that rot."

I'd get knifed really quickly, hey?

heheheheheh - bored? thats a shame...why on earth do you hate london so much?
-saffire

Something more along the lines of
"Now look here you young scallywag. You may be the son of the Duke Of Buckliegh, but masturbating in public simply is not cricket. Now if you don't mind I should like you to connect your foot with my arse in a sharpish fashion."

Although to be honest, if you so much as talk to anyone on the Tube, comic accent or no you will probably be able to start research on the simian proximity of humankind without realising it.

I once tried to talk to someone on the tube. Might as well have talked to the cat.

Much better option is to scream the Imperial March at them and do the Darth Vader breathing bit. I guarantee you'll get a seat.

....breathe like Darth...Vader.....got it. What else? How about if I were to carry on a bag of very rotton eggs and begin placing them near people's feet?

I, of course, would wear noseplugs. Can they, for example, arrest you for screaming the entire score to Beethoven's 5th while throwing pre-licked life savors?

They wouldn;t arrest you. They would probably make you a royal and give your own train. Best thing is to walk around with a bin bag on your head shouting "I like traffic lights"

Do you live in the London area Saffire my sweet? With its stupid prices, its knackered infrastructure its self satisfied gloating toadie look at me attitude? Or is that just me? Am I really just a moaning old sod who should shut the shag up? I think so.

You should know that I have been known to horrify and embarass people here in the STATES. Being ignored doesn't put me off my game at all..I'll just go one happily chatting to the bloke who is despiratly ignoring me. Eventually I will probably begin making up little stories about his toupee.

The nice thing about Andy is that he understands that I'm going to embarass him terribly. For instance, his version of being curt is not saying "thank you". My version (as I said, I'm Italian-American and more outgoing than most) is to inform them that they are the kind of person unlikely to be able to locate their own ass if their hands were tied behind their back and they were given a map and a flashlight.

This happened in Montreal. My way was much more effective. Andy laughed his ass off for 2 days.

BUT NOT WHEN THEY ARE RED!!!!

(practice)

Did he ever find it again? Or did you allow him full use of his arms.

His ass is MINE. I've got it at home and if he wants it back he's going to have to come and get it.

It's too late for Krissy Lee, but with just 10p you could help hundreds of others like him / her.........
Delete as applicable.
Do not attempt to write on both sides of the page at once.

I'll give 10p to anyone that can show me a guy named "Krissy Lee".