I am God's gift to the world,

witty and pretty and full of myself,

and the milk of human kindness...

if you're nice to me.

If you must have me, have me as I am,

If you must love me, love just the way I am,

and if you're going to be around me,

get a haircut,

and get rid of those shoes,

stop chewing that brand of gum,

and try to get a clue

about fashion, personal hygiene,

real music and art,

good food, good movies,

and that'll do for a start.

Next we'll get around to your diction,

and your dictionary, too.

We'll do something about that slump

and that job'll never do.

If you will just place yourself

in my gentle molding hands,

before long, you be worthy

to more than one of my friends.

But don't you dare reciprocate!

If I am worthy of your glance,

your kiss, your caress,

and your wish to dance,

then it is worth your while

to take my advice or two

if you want me to take a chance

with a loser like you.