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Visiting a Small Discotheque in the UK

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A mirror ball.

This Entry intends to take a humorous look at behaviour around UK town centres. Please don't take it seriously.

First things first - yes, there are many fantastic nightclubs outside big cities. There are funky clubs, original clubs, classy clubs, and even fashionable nightclubs. Of course though, these are probably not the ones most people experience around the UK, so what's the point in focusing on the nightclubs that only a select few, or those who can be bothered go to. The main topic here, ladies and gentlemen, is the dark underbelly of England's grey, faceless towns and cities - the nightlife where, as some newspapers would say, 'families and pensioners stay away'.

Well firstly, this is not true. It is perfectly fine to go clubbing with your family. In fact, in one club in the West Country there is a gentleman who is at least 70, who is the first one on the dance floor and is usually utterly inebriated, every night. Of course, this does not count as binge drinking, as he is of a certain age, and therefore it becomes 'social drinking'. You may not be aware of this, but only those in the age 18 - 30 group can be guilty of binge drinking, just like any youth aged 10 - 20 wearing a hooded sweatshirt is a petty criminal.

The bottom line is that you don't have that pressure to be 'cool' in these sorts of nightclubs. 'Cool' means something entirely different in these establishments - it's a completely new set of rules. If you want to go clubbing with great aunt Gertie, or wear a £5 plastic nurse's dress, or even go out in what you wore to your shift at the local chippy – it’s fine. That's the point. No one gives a monkey's. However, there are plenty of tips for how to go clubbing in any English town, and here are some of them:

  • Dress Code. Firstly, don't worry about blending in with the locals. Fashion is not specific to where you are geographically. For men, black loafers, or even trainers, coupled with ill-fitting black trousers and a crease effect white shirt will guarantee you will fit in. If it's a chilly night outside, why not couple your outfit with a tracksuit top? Make sure the logo is clearly visible - you don't want any of the locals to think you are poor. A pierced ear here and highlights there for that David Beckham touch will really let you go unnoticed.

    Girls, well, this one is easy. Firstly, make sure you have roots. Natural hair colour, or even well-kept dyed hair is just not the norm for clubbers here. Wear a tiny denim mini skirt and sparkly top, and make sure you have plenty of make up on. Wear with your stilettos for a truly stunning look. Don't worry - you won't stand out.

  • Conduct. Make sure you drink before you go out. You don't want to wander around a dark town centre full of vomit, stale kebabs and crime sober do you? The key motto here is 'If you can't beat them, join them.' There's no point looking at men urinating on walls or girls with their skirts around their ankles with a withering look: they won't notice. Instead, smash up a bus stop or throw your kebab around for instant brownie points with your peers.

  • Dancing. There is only one way to dance in these nightclubs. It is relatively easy, and what you might call a mating ritual for the masses.

  • Kebab House Etiquette. Firstly, do not ask for anything other than a doner kebab, chips, or a can of coke. It is incredibly rude of you to expect the poor assistant to rustle you up anything taxing - this means bottles of water, chicken burgers and salads are out of the question. If you stick to this, you will get served quicker, and therefore are less likely to be elbowed in the face.

  • Taxi Rank Etiquette. Get a friend to pretend to know the really drunk girl sat down. While they are having a conversation, slip up to the window to claim your ticket. While waiting for a taxi it is the norm to use this time to have a fight, or perhaps copulate in the toilets. Remember, it is best to be sick in the street rather than the taxi, as taxis usually carry a hefty fine for vomiting in them.

If you can follow these guidelines then you will be able to go clubbing in a variety of different venues all over the British Isles. Of course, not every town centre is like this - some actually have order and respect - but for the majority, this guide should serve you well.

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