h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*E takes one look at BB and Joanna, then decides to follow Bond...*

*BB comforts the oak tree lovingly*

*E enters the darkened room...She tries feeling along the walls for a light switch...she doesn't know if it's a good idea or not...but she'd rather see where she was going...*

*The door slams shut behind E and at the same time Bond and E are grabbed by unseen hands. The lights flick on to reveal Bond and E in the grips of several black-clad men. At the command of Iwan, the midget, E is released and Bond is disarmed and tied. Iwan smiles at E and says:*

This way, please.

*Iwan leads the group through a series of twisting passageways to door. He knocks, then enters. Inside are Volk and Liebe. Liebe stares at E, as Volk begins to speak:*

Hello, E. It is good to see you again. I felt sure that Mr. Bond would bring you to me. I have a little, er, surprise for Mr. Bond. Please wait here with Mr. Liebe, E.

*Volk exits with Iwan, the black-clad men and Bond; E and Mr. Liebe are left alone. Volk leads the way down more twisting passageways and enters what looks like an empty warehouse. He walks over to a set of double doors in the floor and motions to his men. The men walk over and tie Bond's hands over his head to a chain, suspended from an overhead crane. Bond's feet are then tied together. Volk motions again and the men begin stuffing Bond's pockets with coins. They tape coins all over his body. The men file out of the room, leaving only Bond and Volk*

Well, Mr. Bond, I regret that our acquaintance must end in this way, but you have left me no other choice. You insist on interfering with my plans, so I'm afraid I must dispose of you.

*Volk presses a button near the door and the double doors under Bond's feet open. Bond is suddenly suspended by his hands over a pit filled with squirrels. His feet are about 15 feet above the bottom of the pit. The squirrels notice the coins stuck to Bond and begin to frantically leap and run around. Volk presses a button on the crane control panel. With a lurch the chain from which Bond is suspended begins to descend slowly. Bond struggles.*

Good day, Mr. Bond.

*Volk leaves the room. Bond hears a key turning in the latch*

*Bond scurs the room for any means of escape, but the walls of the pit are all bare. Bond counts the squirrels*

24, and there are more than enough coins to deal with them all.

*He makes a slingshot out of his bowtie and starts firing coins at them. After he stuns the first eleven the others back off as the crane drops Bond unto the floor*

*Bond loosens his managles and looks at the light 15 feet up, to high to jump in a single bound*

*But halfway up concealed by the shadows is a ventalation grate, Bond jumps and grabs hold, kicking out at the squirrels who have revived thier assault, using the laser devise in his watch Bond cuts the grating open and starts to crawl down the shaft*

*Meanwhile, E is still standing in a room alone with Liebe...*

*She is terribly worried about Bond...*

*The screws in the grate above Liebe's head are being carefully loosened*

*Liebe makes a cup of tea for E, hands it to her and smiles reassuringly.*

Your father is really a good man. He has always loved you and wants to give the world to you. He will let nothing stand in the way of his goal. You know, you remind me of my wife. She was killed tragically when a rotten limb from an oak tree fell as she was walking under it and crushed her. I loved her very much.

*Liebe looks tenderly at E*

*E is lost for words...after all what can she say when she's been left in a room with a stranger...she hoped Volk hadn't done anything too bad to Bond...he'd promised after all...*

*Liebe makes a cup of tea for E, hands it to her and smiles reassuringly.*

Your father is really a good man. He has always loved you and wants to give the world to you. He will let nothing stand in the way of his goal. You know, you remind me of my wife. She was killed tragically when a rotten limb from an oak tree fell as she was walking under it and crushed her. I loved her very much.

*Liebe looks tenderly at E*

*E is still lost for words, but she manages to take the cup of tea and say thank you...*

...Thanks...

*As Leibe is bent over giving E her tea, the grate flys out knocking him out cold*

Tea-lightful to see you again my dear.

*Pulls chair a little closer to E*

I know what the death of someone close to you can mean. And I feel a little of what it is like to get that person back. E, I would really like to get to know you better. I think we might be good for each other. Would you consider having dinner with me this evening?

*looks hopefully at E*

I'd love to, but well, I'm afraid you're unconsious now and James is here...so...

...I guess I'll see you around...

*Bond looks down at Liebe*

REM, he dreaming about something. Lets get out of here before he awakes.

*Volk smiles as he watches the first S30's rolling off the line. He looks at his watch*

Well, better check on Mr. Bond, eh Iwan? See if he is done?

*E follows Bond*

Where did Volk go...? What did he try and do to you...?

*BB, meanwhile, has given the tree arm-to-bark ressusitation, and it is now looking much better. He takes a hefty looking branch from it, and enters the building.*

*His entrance is observed by a waiter casually leaning against a lamppost smoking a cigarette, oddly, he is wearing a dusty pair of cowboy boots. Flicking away the cigarette, he follows Bluebottle.*

*Joanna sees the waiter follow BB, but decides from her position in the shadows not to try to do anything about it.*
*Looks around*
*abruptly stops*
*smells something: donuts!*
<CAMERA: quick shot of production line to illustrate what Joanna has smelled*
*Joanna checks that she still has a gun, and walks round the edge of the factory to find another entrance*