The case of the house bound fog!
Tis were on the 34th of Octember, when night fell and no one was around to pick it up. The church bells chimed 1300 hours, the vicar had not put the clocks back, a crime that he had spent the last 6 months in jail for, or, was it 4 month in jail six? That we will not know until the 25 year official secrets act comes into force.
Anyway, it was about this time when the tomb of the unknown vampire opened and out came a most fearsome vampire, shrouded in a greyish blue mist. This was a sad case, for this vampire had amnesia. He knew he had to come out, but no idea what for and by the time he could begin to work out why, the sun came up and he to go back inside his coffin.
Now back to the story, because that wasn't it, I'd been to the doctors and even he could not tell me why my left foot took a size 6 shoe and my right foot took size 11? I had a feeling that the car driver knew something, but he didn't stay long enough to explain, not that he even got out of his car.
Anyway, it was on the 34th of Octember, when night fell, or did it? There were no indications that it was tripped, or anything other than an accident. The clues led to it being natural, but for night to fall every night, is a bit too much of a coincidence for me. Plenty of witnesses, but no one was talking, must have fallen out with each other. So! As I was saying, during my investigations, it became obvious that something was amiss, I'd asked the butler, but he was married, so who was this miss? The plot thickened. But as I'm the best detective going, nothing will escape me, but where was I going, I'll put that in my diary for later.
Now time was running out to solve this case, I knew the combination of one lock but not the other and my cucumber sandwiches and flask were inside the case. I've always been cool, so I was not panicking. The horse had bolted because the stable door was left open. So that ruled him out. The upstairs maid was and the crime had been downstairs, so she was clear. His Lordship was a suspect, but as he was dead, I'd have to wait to interrogate him. Now the gardener, something rang bell here-gardener/cucumbers! Did he know something about my sandwiches and my case combination? This needed further scrutiny. Her Ladyship was with the chauffeur, strange? Showing her the Highway Code in his bed, but that’s nobility for you.
So that left only me as I could not account for myself. I had no witnesses, it must have been me. At this deduction, I arrested myself on suspicion of the crime, of which I now have to investigate.
So retracing my steps, it was on the 34th of Octember, when night fell......................................................
<space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space>The Inspector's case. Episode two.
<space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space>Or another bit added on after the first bit...
While out walking and re-tracing my steps in a forward direction, I saw in front of me, well! I didn't really have a saw in front of me, tenon or rip, I mean! It’s not the sort of thing an inspector in the police force would have on his person, but there in front of me, I saw an half, now! I thought that was strange? Because you don't see many half’s on the floor. But silly me! After picking myself up, covered in oil, I now know it was an hole.
Now I know I'm not paranoid, but picking myself up takes some explaining?. I'm not that easy or cheap, so I cautioned myself that it was an offence to solicit and told myself to move on, so walking on and covered in oil from the hole, I now know it was fisshoil(fish hole)which is my dialect for Fish and Chip shop. But back to the crime in hand, now! With his lordship being dead and taking the Fifth Amendment in refusing to talk, makes my solving this case very hard.
Her ladyship could have read my mind, because she said it was very hard to the gardener. Then all of a sudden! it hit me, but looking around, I couldn't see who threw it, I could not ascertain the time this happened, for I'd forgot to put my watch one hour forward the day before. Before I took this case, I’d been reading a book and at the end, the butler did it. So my next task was to interrogate the butler and he wasn't going to fool me by saying he was buttlering at the time of the murder and how did he know it was a murder, if he wasn't there.
My suspicions were growing and that was odd? I'd planted Tulips. I had to make out a P756/834-9982 requirement requisition form for three pairs of shoes, it is extremely hard trying to question a chauffeur whilst he is driving the Rolls Royce and the Chief Inspector will not allow me a car, after the slight accident I had, he has only another 9 month before the body cast is removed, it was his fault, he should have sat at a different table away from the window in the cafe.
Having recorded the words of the chauffeur, I went back to the manor, to question the butler. The poor man! He was under the illusion that I was a school teacher, he kept calling me Sir, so not to confuse him further, I gave him some lines and 2 hours detention. Now it was the gamekeepers turn, he said he was with the upstairs maid and as she was, he was cleared as well. I needed extra information, so I asked forensics what they had come up with. Stabbed 20 times/shot 11 times/poisoned/tyre marks on his torso and his head found 2ft away from the body, with feet missing. So I deduced that that ruled out suicide and that he fought with his murderer, because he could not run away, not having both feet. I now narrowed down my suspects to one!
The only one who knew all the details and where everyone was, so he could move about without being seen and that again, led me to me. So having retraced my steps, I knew that if I questioned myself enough, I would crack and the crime would be solved, so again I arrested myself, but this time I would not grant me bail, in case I made a run for it, but I had to prove my innocence somehow....It is not over yet
<space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space>This is the Episode after the last Episode, which was not the first Episode....
Having all the clues to the murder and taken all the interviews, I had to convince this man in the white coat of who I was. The room I was in was very well done; the walls had a soft feel to them. I thought! What a clever idea, in case someone tripped, but the interior decorator was rubbish, leaving them plain white and the big mirror on the wall were to high. I would be taking notes of this, but the coat they gave me to keep warm, had very long arms and had to be tied behind, to stop tripping up, handy that the walls were soft.
Now being an Inspector, you have to have keen sense’s, so I had noticed that every time I said I was Inspector Gas-gone-off Is-not-on, slowly so they could understand me, four men in white coats came in the room and plugged my coat into the wall socket, at which electricity flowed into me. I told them that the makers of the warming jacket had made a bad connection in the wiring. These men must have been very thirsty! They kept saying more juice, more juice. Now I don't berate our medical doctors, but these men were thick, as soon as I said I'm not Inspector Gasgoneoff Isnoton, but Napoleon Bonaparte, they left, saying he's ok now! So here was my chance, because Napoleon only had one arm behind him and the other in his vest, they took the coat off. The arms were very very long, but playing their game, I said! In my best French accent, can I inspect the troops before we give battle with Wellington? They replied! No problem Boney, go right ahead. I walked down a corridor to another room, much larger and to my surprise, there were 5 Napoleon's walking about and lots of people gibbering and making weird noises, they must have been practicing for a play.
But then, I was given a blow to stagger the strongest, at one side of the room playing darts, was his lordship, alive as well and the gardener was playing cards with the upstairs maid, I stood rooted to the spot!, which is hard when there's no soil and nothing will grow on a spot anyway.
A man in a white coat came up and said your cognac Napoleon, now thick white fluid, is not Cognac and I said do you take me for a fool!, at which 4 men in white coats brought my long armed coat, I told them that I was warm enough, but they insisted that I put it on, maybe a cold spell was coming, so I let them. Knowing that after defeating Wellington, I was going to Court Marshall them, for insulting their Emperor.... Maybe his lordship had a twin brother, I'll ask him later....
<space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space><space>Inspector Gasgoneoff searches for answers… (Might even be episode fore).
The year!is a quarter past three and strolling out of the bunker on all fours and whilst standing on one leg for a better view. But he’d run out of ideas, so I got in a car and drove off.
Not knowing the cliff was there, or anyone called Cliff, if it came to that, he thought! "I recognize this feeling", he was right! It was pain. I Inspector Gasgoneoff was right again, how could I! Solve the world’s greatest crimes; whilst they kept me in that long sleeved white coat, plus I did not like the flock wallpaper, it was a very thick flock, like cushions stuck on the wall.
But now, I set off hot on the trail, oh! Just remembered, the car and myself are on fire! my training says that the sea can be of use to put out fires.
Now to the case in hand, but not having a briefcase left me wondering. At my hotel, they were always trying to fool me, by all wearing white coats, I knew that someone had booked me in there, the question is: - who is paying the bill. I had to find the management and question them closely, because farly! They would not hear me.
So now I would wait for night fall, should be easy, having laid the trip wire across the path.
I had loads of suspects, but nothing concrete, which was funny, because the white coats had talked about getting me a pair of shoes made out of it? Must have been a birthday gift? .I can’t remember my birthday; I was too young at the time. Dawn broke, who broke her and was she a suspect? I made notes, but alas Doh Ray Meh left me confused. Then I saw my way in to the hotel in secret, a ambulance was coming up the road, now I’d noticed that over the time I was in the hotel, there must have been a lot of accidents !, because the ambulance was always calling, anyway! As it slowed for the bend, I leapt for the rear door and held on tight, the gravel was a bit rough, but my superior training, of constantly repeating "it does not hurt" meant that the only thing to worry about was the loss of blood, a few more yards and we’re there. I could now slip in through the back door, I needed a disguise!!
And there, on hangers, were loads of white coats and smocks. One even had my name on it, I recognized it, because I had had it on yesterday. Now if I disguise myself as me! I could walk around and no one would take a second glance, it was fool proof!! Because they think I’m still in the hotel room upstairs.
Heading towards the managers office, I overheard to waiters talking about upping the medication they were giving me, didn’t know I was poorly? At this they grabbed me, saying how have you got out, I sternly replied, that I haven’t got out, I’m still in the room and I’m not me who you think I am. When we got to my room, I soon noticed that I was not there, so! This was another puzzle added to the case. How had I got out and where was I, I could not give away my disguise, it could come in handy again, I will have to work this one out "yawn" after I have a little rest, being the world’s greatest police inspector, they need me out there to fight crime and will I come back, to get me out.
I need the fresh air.
Episode five of the 3 part trilogy.
A disguise had been found.
Inspiration flooded in to my mind, I was happy because it did not hurt, after watching repeats of a television series, I’d found the answer, I’d become my own identical brother.
Blah! Blah! etc! Free to roam again, saves writing.
From my previous investigations, it came to light, but that’s weird? We don’t have gas mantle street lights anymore, so why would it want to light them, plus it used to be a man that did it.
One person had been unaccounted for, the cook! I at once headed for the mansion (I took my other eye with me as well), there I questioned the cook and got some recipes as well, it was clear, so I knew she was skimping on the ingredients of the soup, she knew more than she was letting on. So the plot thickened, which is more than I can say for the soup. His lordships game was being poached by the village butcher, who is the lover of the cook; now why anyone would want to poach a Monopoly board is anyone’s guess.
HA! You were thinking Cluedo! But there’s no Colonel Mustard in this investigation (goes through notes just to be on the safe side). Now his lordship had found this out and had to be silenced, but another poser popped its head up, his lordship was dead, so how would they go about in silencing him?. <Here is a long pause while I’m thinking>
My mind stayed a blank, so I was normal then, I felt at ease, even though I have never been in the armed forces, I have been forced by the arm though many times. I needed more information from the forensics dept’ stabbed 20 times, they found this easy to count, because there was knives and forks, spatulas, skewers and other assorted kitchen ware still stuck in him, shot 11 times, wounds evident of elephant gun shells/cartridges and tyre marks consistent with an off the road vehicle . SO! Nothing there that helps me, apart from the fact that I now know him to be fully dead and I don’t think I’ll be able to question him at any time now, pity! He could have been a great help in this investigation.
Now I am not one to ignore relations, but my identical brother has totally ignored me and not spoke to me once in this episode and another thing puzzled me? How did her ladyship know the phone number of the weird hotel I’ve been staying at, because the mansion is surrounded by men in white coats? I had tried to tell her I was my identical brother, but she kept running away, maybe she was scared of strangers, not having met him before, then again! Neither had I (still got my other eye). But now I’d got chance to get to know me, because I am now in the back of a van with 4 large men sat on me and again, there must be a virus going round because I’m having another inject……….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz