It has been suggested by many that bagpipes are an inherently unattractive and unpleasant musical instrument.

This is not entirely true.

Like any musical instrument, in the right context and when played by a sensitive artist, bagpipes can entertain, inspire, and invigorate. What may have contributed to their unseemly reputation, however, is the undeniable fact that bagpipes -- along with violins, pedal steel guitars, tympanies, theramins, and many members of the saxophone family -- belong to that select group of instruments which have the power to inflict serious bodily harm when played badly.

Consider for a moment the acoustic guitar. An out-of-tune six-string, strummed with even the lowest imaginable degree of skill, will induce no worse than boredom and, in the more fragile listener, a slight feeling of nausea. Even a pedal steel guitar is hard put to elicit anything more dangerous than a profound attack of vertigo. But as blown by a novice, a set of bagpipes can easily induce headaches, palpitations, and severe gastrointestinal upset. What's worse, the unscrupulous bagpiper, if driven by malicious intent, wields a weapon of surprising force. A set of ill-tuned Highland bagpipes in the wrong hands has been known to drop a 200-pound man at fifty yards.

This capacity has prompted the creation of several citizen's lobby groups which loudly call for the universal registration of bagpipes, and the restriction of use to those properly trained and licensed for the playing of bagpipes in public. Progress in the institution of new legislation has been slow, however, and is further hampered by the recent groundswell of support for the right-wing group known as the International Recreational Firearm and Bagpipe Association, or the IRFBA. Its members, rumoured to include amongst their ranks such celebrities as Mel Gibson and Sean Connery, have conducted a vastly successful media campaign in favour of the "freedom to pipe without fear of prejudice or recrimination," claiming that attempts to enforce registration or any similar restrictions would "strike at the heart of what makes this country great, whatever country that might be."

When questioned on the subject, actor Charlton Heston adamantly denied any involvement with the IRFBA, but then went on to say that, if he were a member, which he's not, he would vigorously defend "our fundamental right to bear bagpipes." He proudly went on to claim he has neighbours who "practise freely, in their own backyard," and who volunteer in the community in support of various children's bagpipe charities. Upon further questioning, Mr. Festoon asked reporters to "please speak up, as my hearing seems to be a little spotty this morning."