As I sit here with my little sister's bag of Hallowe'en candy in front of me, munching on some peanut butter M&M's, I can't help but get excited about the upcoming holiday season.

Or is it already here? 'Cuz see, I can never really tell, when companies air their Christmas commercials as early as mid-July. Yes, I've already seen countless Christmas commercials, and they're bound to quadruple in the next couple of weeks. I'm still coming down from the Hallowe'en high, and soon every American's favourite excuse to eat 'till they die--Thanksgiving--will hit. Therefore, I'll be
forced to lay on my back for two weeks waiting for the five pounds of turkey, vat of corn casserole, 18 sweet potatoes, and a lump of mashed potatoes the size of Rush Limbaugh to digest. Please, spare me the Christmas cheer until I can walk.

But let me tell you something, once I'm in the Christmas spirit, ain't nothin' can get me out of it! Move aside, Martha Stuart, cuz ol' DZ's master house decorator this season! Thanks to my
mom's ever growing collection of snowmen (She owns approximately 2,145.3¹), I'm never at a loss for festive decors. Some tell me I'm a bit dictatorial when
I decorate:

'NO! I said 3.2 inches from the fat snowman, and directly behind the naked one!'

'#@$%! Dammit! There! See? It goes on the branch BELOW the ornament of St. Mary not at an
85 degree angle to the east of it! God hates bad decorators!'

But I prefer to think I'm just strict and orderly. Heh.

The good ol' family tree is a duty of mine as well and NO YOU CAN'T HELP ME WITH IT! NO ONE CAN! I keep my sisters tethered to the couch while I decorate the tree, occasionally allowing them to pick up the needles on the floor.

'Katie, can I...'

'No.'

'Katie, I want to he...'

'No.'

'Katie, I gotta PEE!'

'Too bad! You should have gone before Thanksgiving!'

Yep, nothing like spreading a little holiday cheer. Which reminds me, I still need to write my wish list! Let's see...

• Toshiba Protege tablet P.C. with built-in DVD rom 2.2 gig processor and printer
• A bathrobe made of ostrich feathers
• Industrial size piece of bacon
• Two 2-way tickets to London and $10,000 spending money
• Guam

*whew!* I'd say that about covers it. My least favourite aspect of the holidays are all the
heart-warming carols that make me want to HURL ON MYSELF (or the carollers). So I wrote my own
song, thank you very much.

(To the tune of 'We Wish You a Merry Christmas')

Can I rip out your vocal chords?

and sell them on Ebay?

Thanks. It's nothing personal, they're just a tad too festive for me. Plus I don't want them
breathing on my tree. Now you'll have to excuse me, I need to take down the Hallowe'en decors and
count my stamp collection.²

Your Little h2g2'er,

Darth Zaphod

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