Theme Pubs Content from the guide to life, the universe and everything

Theme Pubs

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Despite the order of the wording in the name, Theme Pubs are first and foremost, pubs - this means you can buy alcohol there, drink alcohol there and repeat the process until one of the following occurs:

  • They throw you out because they want to close.

  • You get carried away on a stretcher because you fell unconsious.

  • You get bored of the decor/music/company and decide to leave and find another pub.

Theme pubs also have a theme. This means that you'll find the same pub replicated from town to town, with identical decor, menus, music and even bar staff1. Themes can range from the dull mock olde english family pubs to fashionably eccentric, nouveau-chic, open-plan, over-priced bars.

While the precise nature of a given theme may be elusive to the more casual Researcher, the themes adopted are often demostrated by the following guidelines, no doubt taken into consideration by the owners of the potential franchise:

  • Ensure there is little or no seating, as more people per square metre can be packed in if standing, which will boost profits.

  • Sell characterless beers at exorbitant prices, which will boost profits.

  • Sell pathetic imitations of foreign foods at similarly high prices, while performing the particularly British excruciation of 'ingredient substitution2' on them, which will boost profits.

Then again, the above listing may apply to guidelines considered by any bar owner, theme-related or not.

One of many theme brands is that of Bar Oz, where the tinnies are cheap and available in quantity, and the food is served in portions of a size designed to make you salivate and shudder at the same time.

1This is either an illusion brought on by your drunken state, or the employees of theme pubs are stalking you.2Meaning no-one will notice if we use mayo on the nachos instead of sour cream.

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