h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

#1. I'm not here right now.

We know. Why else are we listening to this grating message? Unless you're waiting to see who's leaving the message, then you'll pick up of it's important. An effective screening test.

#2. ..but if you'll please leave your name and number...

We know. What else are we going to leave? Getting through redundant prattle like this is sure to increase another excessive BT bill. Get to the point!

#3. ..I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

WE KNOW! Thankfully another screening test for the owner. You can always blame an answering machine can't you.

Please try to keep it short, sweet and leave out all the cafuffle that we know anyway.

Other inventive approaches:

"Hi! This it the toaster, our answering machine is on holiday..."

Amusing the first time you hear it, but as you hear it more and more, it loses its charm. A high turnover message to leave - that is one that is changed often because the owner is eccentric, or has far too much spare time.

"You know to the drill."

Dylan from 90201. Fast. efficent. Reeking of coolness.

"(Playing some music that suits your mood or lastest release)"

Another high turnover message. Also can be extremely long. A couple of bars will do. Extra points for not having to hear you speak.

Regarding number 1)

Why on earth do people insist on leaving the message "I'm sorry, I'm not in right now..."

...wouldn't "Hello, my house is empty, I've left the doors unlocked and the windows open, please feel free to relieve me of my frivolous lifestyle" be just as effective?

Wouldn't a phone ringing constantly or an answering machine simply picking up be equally effective?

You could always try:

"Hi! If you're a burglar, then I'm probably in the bath, shower or otherwise indisposed; if you're the tax man or someone else I own money too, I've left the country and won't be returning; otherwise I'll get back to you when I've finished shopping, kayaking, or whatever"

Seriously all that needs to be said is that the phone has not been answered draw your own conclusions and if you want me to return your call leave your phone number. Which all of that could be blatantly simplified into "leave a message", but if you are to simple for that you could be sitting at your phone right now waiting for that super important call that will change your life forever. You could not care, surrender yourself to fate, destroy your answering machine and live out the rest of your days tormenting those foolish enough to venture onto your wrath. Hehehehehehehehehe.

I hate people who get all pist when they get an answering machine. You did mean to call the person right? Well if there not there, the next best thing to get there attention is to leave a message. I doubt cursing and banging the phone will do you any good.

No, but its fun watching other people doing it.

My anwserphone message runs as follows:

"Hello, this is . We do not want double glazing, we do not want a fitted kitchen, we do not want any form of home improvement whatsoever. Anybody else, please speak after the tone. Thank-you."

Reason for telling people the phone number is to let those who have mis-dialled the local taxi firm's number that leaving a message on MY answerphone will not result in a taxi taking them where they want to go.

Reason for the rest of it I think is self-explanatory.

BTW, if you want to cut down on telesales calls, have a look here http://www.h2g2.com/A191882