h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A couple of years ago, the powers that be decided to redecorate Glasgow Central Station. This is a glorious Victorian Edifice, with a pigeon population close to the theoretical limit before black holes form. However, in order to protect the iron columns that stood at the front of the building from damage during this operation, they were wrapped in bubble wrap. To six feet high. At at least three inches thick. I discovered this, during a Sci-Fi convention, when I was a little worse for alcohol. Thus I was found, by some acquaintances, running down the street and throwing myself at a pillar, where upon I would hug it tightly, attempting to burst as many bubbles as possible. I woke up the next morning feeling very sore indeed. Take this as a warning.

Thanks, I now feel warned.

Hehehehehe. Oh you just made my morning. hehe.

Happy to oblige!

Just realised you probably meant Munchkin, etc! Too keen to take credit for making you laugh! *Exits, tail between legs. Realises hedgehogs don't have tails. Blushes at own stupidity.*

No i definitely meant you petal! hehe *hugs Norman despite spines to make him feel better*

Mad, impetuous girl! Be careful of these spines there. Remember, wrapping a hedgehog in bubble wrap is probably a waste of time.
PS I feel much better now, thanks. And you can call me Spiny.

Well i'm a fly by the seat of my pants gal, you know, Mr Spiny, sir! But wrapping a hedghog in bubble wrap would make loads of satisfying noise though, don't you think?

Yes, but I've got a better idea: what about laying out strips of bubble wrap like a bowling alley, then getting curled up hedgehogs and - well - bowling them? The object of the game would be to see how far down the "alley" you could get them. Any satisfying noises would be a by-product of the game. Right, I'm off to round up some of my hedgehog pals this minute!

Sounds cool! But we'll have to get somecushions for you to roll into so that you don't hurt yourselves...I'm not by nature a cruel person.

Okay, I'm back with my chums. There's Norbert, that's Herbert at the back, this is Dilbert - the rest you'll get to know as the game goes on. The cushions are a nice touch, but I reckon the bubble wrap'll slow us up so much, we won't need 'em. But thanks for the thought. Okay, girl: you start unrolling the bubble wrap...

(PS if you want some laughter therapy, visit Samuel Pepys Back Parlour - I don't know how to paste the address in here but the search engine should get it for you)

Thanks, I'll check that one out. The bubble wrap is now unrolled, complete with soft cushions at the end. Ready?

Hiya, have a good weekend? Mine was marred by a spot of road rage too boring to go into, but it's amazing how one buffoon can ruin your whole day...At least the Bentley wasn't damaged.

Anyway, to the game...Obviously, I'll go first: I wouldn't ask my hedgehog mates to do something I wouldn't do myself. Now before we start, we'll need a tape measure, and maybe someone in your office could be Official Measurer? We want to make sure the first Open Hedgehog Bowling Championship is conducted properly. Right, I'm curling myself up now, you pick me up and aim for that nice red velvet cushion with the gold braid....

Ok, I have special hedgehog handling gloves on so your spines don't get me, Norman. Ready? Ok, Aiming for cushion...and ooops...missed the bubble wrap...well I never said I was good at bowling, did I?! Sorry...you ok?

*echoey* Hello! Hello? I don't know how far I've rolled to, but it's dark and wet here. What is this place? Eeeuucchh! I think you'll have to leave the game for a minute and come and get me, Maisie. *whimper*

*yelling!* Norman! Hello?! Keep yelling and I'll follow your voice!

*shouts* Oooooveeerrr heeere!

Ah, my eyes are adjusting to the darkness. I've landed on a pile of damp leaves and there isn't much room...it seems to be circular. Smells a bit too. Or is that me? *looks up* About two feet above me there's a grating...a bar's missing so that must be where I rolled through...Oh no...it's a drain! Wait *listens* that sounds like rain...

Maaaaiiiisssiiieeee!

Owwwwwww!! What in tarnation.... oh, it's a hedgehog. Who's rolling hedgehogs around with no regard for..... stone me! Spiny Norman, is that you?

Oh there you are Norman...I'm so terribly sorry. Can you grab this rope and I'll pull you to safety.

Allow me. *lifts Spiny Norman up and out of drain* Ah, hello. E Vibenstein, Regius Professor of Pedantry at the University of East Stirlingshire. Pleased to meet you. Have a care with those hedgehogs, you could have someone's eye out.