A Conversation for Cows


Post 1

Researcher 50770

Antagonizing cattle has led to several popular national past-times.

The first is practiced under cover of darkness, preferably with only one working flashlight for a group of eight children, and close to the most dangerous stretch of land you can find. Swamp works well. The event is called "cow-tipping"--the object of which is to find a herd of cattle that is fast asleep and "tip" them over. This takes momentum, muscle, or large numbers of people--as cows weigh about as much as a Buick. Cow-tipping generally leads to another championship-level sport--"Avoid the Angry Bull." Attempting to tip the bull is the quickest way to start a game--in which players run blindly through the wilderness, attempting to avoid tree-branches, sink-holes, any form of water (rivers, puddles, lakes, rain), snakes, bugs, cow-paddies, thorns, bushes, fences, shotgun blasts, and any-other member of the cow-tipping party. Whoever is gored and trampled loses points. Escaping with minor wounds and a case of poison ivy is usually considered successful.

"Bull-fighting" originated in Spain, and is a breath-taking artistic event in which a man armed with a cape proves how close he can get to an angry bull without receiving fatal wounds to the side and belly.

Another sport that is gaining popularity is the "bull-run"--another tradition that started in Spain. Competitors pay money for the privlege of running in front of a herd of stampeding cattle. Usually several competitors end up gored, trampled, or covered in cow-patties. A path is usually cleared for the run, but in an attempt to escape from the closing herd, hurdling over tables, by-standers, fountains, small cars, or any other large non-movable obstruction is worth several extra points. Getting your picture taken for the national news is considered an honor--even if the picture captures an embarrassing moment--such as when a competitor is flung like a rag-doll over a fountain and into the crowd.

In America, the actual job of raising cattle was turned into a national event called "Rodeo." One of the most popular events is "bull-riding"--in which a cowboy attempts to stay on the back of a wheeling, bucking, drooling, angry bull for 8 seconds. Sometimes cowboy's get "hung-up"--their glove gets caught on the bull's small saddle and they are brutally dragged around, trampled, gored, fallen on, covered in dirt, snot, spit, and anything else in the arena. "Rodeo-clowns" are used to help cowboys get off the bull safely--and barring that (usually the dismount resembles what would happen if you sat down in a catapult and forgot to buckle your safety belt) the clowns attempt to help the cowboy run, limp, or crawl to safety. Rodeo-clowns accomplish this by wearing brightly colored clothing and throwing themselves in front of the angry bull. Once assured they have the attention of 2,000 pounds of heaving, irritable hamburger, they run away--often diving into barrels, diving into the crowd, or running in circles until the bull gets tired of chasing them.

"Steer-wrestling" is another exciting event in which the object is to catch a running steer by the horns and use leverage to twist the animal's head around and force it to the ground.

Younger cattle have also found a place in Rodeo. The "Calf-roping" event shows the expertise of one horse and one rider, or two horses and two riders--assembled into rider/horse pairs--prove how quickly they can rope, stop, and tie a calf. The calf comes out of the chute and into the arena and horse and rider give chase. With a skill developed from many weeks of roping haybales and the occasional ranch-dog, the rider settles the noose around the neck or leg(s) of the calf. The horse immediately stops, and when the calf runs out of slack rope, it is jerked off its feet. As soon as the horse stops (and sometimes before) the cowboy leaps off his horse, runs to the calf, and ties three of its legs.

There is a definite morbid fascination with this particular quadrapedal creature. Beef. It's a winner.


Post 2

Rickshaw Splat

You're all mad there. Here in the UK it is the cows that are mad.


Post 3

The Cow

This should be an article.
Apparently, cows are very scared of you if you turn away from them, put your head between your knees and wave your hands and scream.
Cows seem to like me. It's very scary. They follow me closely through fields.
I'm in the UK by the way.

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