h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[YK] Should I summon Bahamut Zero to vaporise them or Odin to chop them to bits?

[Mackenzie] You don't know how to summon Odin.

[YK] D'OH!

Odin? Norse father of gods? Say, that gives me an idea!

Zifmia Zeus! Zifmia Jupiter!

*Two bolts of lightning later, Zeus, the Greek head of the pantheon and Jupiter, the Roman head of the pantheon, appear, each on either side of the cerberuses. Deep hatred for each other rises up, and they begin hurling lightning bolts at each other. The remaining cerberuses begin cowering in terror*

Ha! Too easy! If I remember their physiology right, they should be invisible to most non-enhanced humanoids, so their fighting should go mainly unnoticed by the populace. I think this'll take care of our problems with Echidna.

[YK] Odin is also a Final Fantasy summoned being, whom I cannot summon.

[Mackenzie] Hm ... I just had a thought. What were the three parts to a Zorkish spell?

Presence, incantation, and unusual effect.

*Everyone stares at Minos for a few moments*

You did say "Zork", right? Father says that Zork is one of the only planets in the Galaxy that is flat, but is not two-dimensional.

*A few moments of silence*

Affy-Well, the kid knows his astrology. Oh, and yeah, he's right about Zorkish magic. Can't believe he beat me to the punch, though,....

*Minos watches as the last of the Cerberuses are blown to bits in the battle between Jupiter and Zeus. He sighs*

Minos-It's too bad that they had to die. I've never seen a cerberus before. Some day, I want to know more about biology than anyone!

*A few tense moments of uncomfortable silence*

Affy-Well, I'm ready for us to continue. Shall we?

[YK] Not being stopped.

*The group heads toward the city. The sun has gone down, and they face the traditional problem: the gate is closed, with a sleepy guard*

Of all the times to leave my Boozniked Espnis spell at home,....

*GL walks over and sits next to the guard.*

Hello, soldier. Mind if I rest here until the gates open at dawn?

*The solder grunts out an affirmative reply. GL unscrews the wolf's head handle on his cane and drinks a little of the brandy that is inside the shaft of the cane. The guard watches with increasing interest.*

Guard: What's in the cane.

GL: Only a little brandy. Takes the chill off.

*Starts to put the handle back on, then, as if suddenly think of it, offers some to the guard. The guard looks guitily around, then takes the proferred can and takes a long drink. Almost immediately, his head starts to loll, his eyes cross and he keels over backwards and lands on his back on the ground. GL puts the handle back on the cane and motions to the others.*

Come on. He won't be waking up till tomorrow, at least.

*GL turns to the gate.*

Um, anyone know how to open one of these things from the outside?

[YK] No clue, but I can use the Force to jump over it, and levitate anyone else who wants to.

*Affy looks at the gate, and has a sudden idea*

If we could get Zeus of Jupiter to hurl a bolt of....no, wait, prime directive....

* Peet shrugs.

[Mackenzie] I could teleport everyone to the other side ...

Could someone remind me why we need to get into the city, please...?

[YK] Because on the other side is the place where the TRC dropped us off to now. Incidentally, what does TRC stand for?

It might stand for Temporal Rift Creator, but Affy can tell us for sure.

Hey! I have an idea.

*GL goes up to the gate and knocks loudly. A small barred portal opens and an unshaven face looks through.*

Yeah, whadda ya want?

*GL recoils from the beery fumes.*

Er, you wouldn't want to open that gate for us, would you?

Guard: Not bloody likely

*The guard slams shut the portal*

Hmmm. Well, so much for that idea. But maybe he could be bribed.

[YK] Hm ... if he can be bribed, he's also weak-minded enough for me to use a Jedi Mind Trick on him, and it'd save us some cash.

[Mackenzie] Sounds good.

Minos-Now that you've figured out the hard way to do it, why don't we just walk around the city?

*Another moment of silence*

Affy-*under his breath* I swear, if he wasn't vital to the time/space continuum....

[YK&Co. start walking /around/ the city]

* Peet follows, balancing the bundle on his head. A quiet snoring can be heard from within.

He's a lizard - night activity isn't his thing...

Minos-Just because it's a lizard doesn't mean that it's diurnal. I know of several species of lizard that are actually nocturnal....not as abundant as the majority of lizards, of course, but they do exist.

Affy-*muttered* Oh, yes, Minos *would* know lizard biology, wouldn't he....

*Minos glances at Affy questioningly, but it passes*

*On a semi-related note, an all-too familiar person is watching the progress of the adventurer's with pleasure, carefully calculating every step that they take, and every step that their enemies in the future take. Interference is very seldom allowed to this familiar being (who is not Cthulex, Pan, The Ellimist, Q, Crayak, Drode, Z, or Mr. B. Natural, just so you all know), so he knows that when he does interfere, it must be the smallest possible change that produces the largest outcome. Already, he knows what his move will most likely be, but careful observance is still required. Fortunately, none of the heroes know this, and it's not going to be useful information for this conversation even if they did. I just thought that it was worth mentioning for future reference*

*Affy stops before continuing*

Hey, you people keep going around. It's not everyday that you get to walk through a city in Ancient Greece at night.

*Affy heads over to the unconcious guard, and snavigs him. Affy's appearance changes to that of the unconcious guard long enough for him to communicate to the awake guard that the gate should be opened. When the gate's opened, Affy slips through, waving goodb-bye to everyone else, unless someone else chooses to come along*

Guard-Hey, who're you wavin' too?

Affy-Oh, no one. Say, look over there!

*The Guard turns, and is soon the victim of Affy's Espnis spell*

Here's hoping he wakes up before the next shift starts. I believe that death is the penalty for sleeping on your watch.